Bitter Film Review of Gravity Starring Sandra Bullock

Just another whiny look of despair on the incompetant face of Sandy's character.

Just another whiny look of despair on the incompetant face of Sandy’s character.

 

There are bad movies that are so bad that they are still good.  Then there are good movies that are so good they are really bad.  Then there are movies like Gravity starring Sandra Bullock and kind of George Clooney.  Yes, I am talking about a movie that came out last October and made all kinds of money. Before I start this review let me just say that there are spoilers in here and I’m not going to give you any warning.  I don’t really care if I ruin the movie for you, because the people that made it ruined it for you first.  Also consider that I didn’t watch it in the movie theater, I didn’t watch it in 3D and I also don’t even watch the whole movie.  I just happened to finish a good movie, and saw this movie as I was scrolling through the TV viewer guide and remembered that some people had talked positively about the movie (some freaking guy named Oscar.  Maybe Oscar the Grouch was his name….?)

Oh look. Space.  Where the sun never shines.

Oh look. Space. Where the sun never shines.

The first thing I saw was space and what could be more interesting than that? Did you know it is pretty much like night time in space all the time?  The sun never shines there.  Just a bunch of stars that don’t really light it up. So Sandy and George(can I call you Sandy and George?) are in their space suits all unattached to anything that should be holding them down like a ship or a station.  Why would they leave that station again? Oh yeah, to get some space.  I get it.  I understand being cramped up in a space station.  I had an MRI once and it wasn’t fun.  And hour and a half of sitting in a tube where you couldn’t move more than an inch either way.  A claustraphobe’s worst nightmare.  So somehow these idiots who had been trained for years and years (I think. Remember I haven’t seen the beginning.) are out hanging outside in these suits somehow let go and let themselves be trapped out in space without being attached to something.  Great.  So then I find out Sandy is the inexperienced one and Clooney is the one that knows stuff? So of course, for drama’s sake or because he is noble or wants to teach her a lesson in reading your space manuals before you go to space, he “sacrifices himself” to space.  He saves her because she “has something to live for” and he doesn’t? Nope, not buying it.

So Clooney decides to unstrap and die out in space without oxygen or whatever it is that humans needs to survive(while giving her instructions with his last breath on how to get in) and Sandy is bumbling around in her supersuit trying to grab something on the space station.  She finally figures it out (this is genius we are sending into space?) gets inside, then starts taking her suit off and crying because she got Clooney killed.  She turns she dials, twists some knobs and cries some more.  All of a sudden a fire starts and she messes up things again.  So she has to figure out how to get this satellite over to the Chinese Satellite so she can ruin their space program.  So in order to do that, she has to read the manual (that she apparently has never done before) and somehow bumbles her way to but not before destroying the US Space station.  I’m not an expert on how much a flying things in space cost, but I imagine that even the amount of money this movie made worldwide (including the Blu Ray sales) didn’t make enough to cover the cost of this satellite breaking.  But that wasn’t enough for Ms. Sandy.  She had to get into China’s satellite and start pushing buttons there.  By this point of the movie her whining was already pushing my buttons.

I may be incompetant, but at least I am smart enough to know I don't belong in space.

I may be incompetant, but at least I am smart enough to know I don’t belong in space.

She does something stupid again, and all of a sudden she is losing oxygen even inside in her super space suit.  She tries to radio the Chinese, but then realized that she forget to learn that language before she went to space.  Because you know, learning something before you are responsible for a space vehicle might be important or something.  Then she starts meowing with this Chinese guys in hopes that maybe he would help her read the manual or something, but to no avail.  Sandy complains that she is going to die all alone in space, (cause Clooney didn’t do the same thing, but in actual space instead of in a Chinese satellite) and just as she is about to pass out, she gets a knock on the window.  Is it the Chinese guys just outside working on their satellite? Or is it…Oh my gosh it is George.  Just out in space wandering around, somehow had enough oxygen and thrust in his pack to make it to the Chinese satellite.  And then moments later, we of course realize that this is just Sandy’s hallucination.  But Halluicination George has just the vital information that Sandy just happens to need to push her forward and help her remember what the crap to do.  How convenient.  I wish I had a Hallucination George for all my sticky situations.

 

Now Sandy knows just the right buttons to push and can all of a sudden read pictures enough to know the right sequence to do things.  All of a sudden her life has purpose.  All her training failures have come to teach her this lesson on how to survive.  Then she starts mumbling a story back to dead George about some girl that she knows and how today she was going to make it back to her.  So she gets this satellite from China to burn up its way back to earth, somehow makes the parachute come out at just the right time and lands safely in an ocean of unknown origin.  Then because she is so impatient she decides to open the hatch without thinking that water might flood in.  At this point we are done caring about her, and hope that she just drowns.  But alas, at the last moment, she remembers to take her space suit off and somehow is able to not get eaten by a shark, or drown.  Yeah, she takes a deep breath and is saved!  But how could she swim so far to dry land? Oh she is only a few feet from land? How convenient? How do lucky things keep happening to her?  We are so glad, that after only 2 satellites and the sacrifice of another way more experienced, way more deserving person died, that Sandy made it to dry land.  Now we just get to see her triumphant return to see that daughter of hers or whoever it was that was talking about that was motivating her to come back to earth.  Nope, that is where the movie ends.  With her alone on a deserted island of unknown origin.  You know what? Maybe this movie did have a happy ending.  Because maybe we have the sequel, where she survives this harrowing experience only to be stranded on this island where she talks to Wilson (that was left by Tom Hanks) and she dies before she is found.  Serves her right for destroying all those space stations.

The sequel to Gravity?

The sequel to Gravity?

ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter GRAVITAS Ben

 

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130 thoughts on “Bitter Film Review of Gravity Starring Sandra Bullock

  1. Wow.. like the male and female bitter versions of the review, and I’m not even bitter! That movie sure did make me angry lol. Funny how you noticed different things than I did, yet together they complete the complete crap that was this movie! Heh heh.. nice, guy. I would be totally cracking up but the grand baby is at work with me today and I just got her to sleep. If you have any idea how hard it is to get any work done with a whiny one-year old bugging you ever 2 minutes with that whine, well I won’t apologize. We even have a stocked nursery with toys and my office is bombed right now, yet still she whines!! But my headache is subsiding in the quiet. Funny, no one ever calls here normally but now that she’s asleep (I had to walk her in the strolller around the gym about 5,000 times) I got 4 calls! ARRRGHHH!! I’ll just say thank God I had boys as a young woman because I’m a hell of a lot more patient now and OMG that whine!! LOL, thanks Ben for the link and the quiet huge laughs. Have a great day. 🙂

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  2. Would you think less of me if I told you that my husband & I moved our couch up right on top of our entertainment center….and made the room pitch back & pretended to be in space with them? I think if you did that…maybe you would have enjoyed it more.

    Probably not though.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I would never think less of you for moving your couch on top of your entertainment center and getting into a movie like that. Kudos to you. I do think less of you for liking that movie enough to do it though. I would have enjoyed a lot of movies much better that way.

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  3. My mother was just as bitter and annoyed as you after she finished watching this movie. She complained about it having no climax, she had been waiting for something exciting to happen. We all were, we all were. I think this movie tried to tell us to love our planet and blahbitty blah blah bleh bleh blah but it sure pissed off some people while at it.

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  4. . . . . . . . . .
    . . . . .
    . . . . . . . . .
    . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

    Is that REALLY what happens in the movie? Like . . . are you for serious right now?
    My eye just twitched.

    (Also, sorry that I didn’t text you back soon enough. I was concentrating so hard on a spreadsheet that time got away from me. It was way too late before I snapped out of it. >.<)

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    • Pretty much. Sandra’s character whines a lot and breaks a lot of really expensive stuff. By the end, I just didn’t care what happened to her.
      You are funny that way, forgetting to do stuff when you get too focused.

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  5. Ben, you were wise not to watch the movie. It was everything you said, and mostly…BOR-ING! Normally, I wouldn’t have read something so long, but something mysterious drew me in, something like Gravity. This was very, very funny. You are a terrific humor writer. Thanks for the laughs. 🙂

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    • It wasn’t so much boring as it was just so ludicrous that she would be so incompetant and so useless and somehow made it. In any movie or story we should want the person to survive for some reason, but at some point I gave up wanting her to survive.

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  6. Hubby was watching that the other night. I went to bed early and read a book instead. Although I generally like Sandy, I found the slow drip from my leaky bedroom faucet to be more interesting than this particular movie.

    Give me Starship Troopers any day of the week. (Also, don’t bother seeing Lucy at the theater, either. Although ScarJo is hot in everything she does, this movie severely under delivered.)

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    • You made a good decision there. My daughter and I were yelling at the screen to tell Sandy to stop wasting all of our tax money. It was so crazy, I couldn’t not do a blog about it.
      I will have to check out Lucy, though maybe at the Red Box so I have something to be bitter about, but not at such a high price.

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  7. I watched John Wayne in Big Jake the other night – how did this man become such an icon of Western movies with a stinker like that? After seeing that, Gravity seemed like a winner. At least George didn’t send an old Indian out to the Chinese Space Station to fetch an escape pod and kill a bunch of Chinese kidnappers while he took a shower with a midget, fer cryin’ out loud.

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    • I’ve never delved into the career of John Wayne but I assume that he somehow got a pass on this movie because of one or two legendary ones. However, Gravity got all this Oscar buzz like it was a good fim instead of a lady out destroying space cause she couldn’t read a manual. Heck, I can’t read one either, but I’m not responsible for billions of dollars of space.

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  8. Not only was this a spot on review of terribly boring and long winded film, it was also terribly boring and long winded itself!
    Good job making me relive the bitterness I felt when I watched this movie.

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  9. Sandra Bullock is hot as hell, so all her errors are easily forgiven!

    If you want to whine about shitty movies, I’d suggest two others: (1) Clooney’s mind-numbingly boring movie Solaris …. OMG!, and (2) Prometheus. Either of those two movies makes Gravity look amazing.

    My biggest problem with Gravity was that all the space stations in orbit appear to be no further apart than a few hundred feet, all traveling at the same velocity in the same orbit.

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  10. Lol, yeah, she WAS a wrecking ball of destruction. She took us back two decades in space exploration. I kept a running tally in head and I’d cringe every time she turned billion dollar pieces of engineering marvels into space litter. Thank you for making me realize I wasn’t alone in the world with my annoyance with this movie.

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    • If there was some sort of great piece of information, or some equipment this person was bringing back to earth that would be worth the risk, but she was just some hack of a person that somehow made it to space and screwed up everything she touched. It was like Home Alone except way more expensive and way less of a reason to keep her alive.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. If you stop by my page, you’ll see that I try to stay positive. However, I happened to turn the TV on and this show was playing. I actually found myself staring at the TV thinking “Seriously?” Those were 3 precious moments of my life that I can never get back. THIS is what producers are resorting to?? I must say… I agree with this, wholeheartedly!!
    ~Kate

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    • I’ll try to stop by your page, but just so you know I’ll be bitter about something on there. Just sayin’. My daughter was right there with me, going why all this destruction, just so one person can come back. She must have had some special purpose? not really.

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        • Ok… I’m going to study your blog for today. I’m going to learn everything there is possible to learn about you (at least what you’ve shared on WordPress) and I’m GOING to make you smile. That is my ULTIMATE goal. It may take a few days, a week…a year. But I’m gonna do it. Just you watch!

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        • I would recommend you not go too deep into studying the blog, because you may just get sucked in. Make sure you bring a positive rope to pull you out after all the bitterness.

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        • Yea… today’s not a good day to be studying your blog. My ex husband sent me a text making fun of the death of my current boyfriends child. Bitter? I’m BEYOND bitter and going for his jugular!! I may need to come here to take notes though…

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        • When you are bitter with you ex, it is a way bitter day to do it than a day when you have time. A bitter jugular sounds good. I am always up for helping people dialogue in bitter situations.

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        • Well, I need to write a letter to the judge, explaining what a piece of shit my ex is, (including making fun of the death of a child) and why I should have sole custody of our son. The idiot that he is put everything in writing, so it should be an easy process, as he set the groundwork already. The judge despises him, and almost held him in contempt of court last time, because he doesn’t show an ounce of respect. Ugh… he’s such a loser. He doesn’t deserve to carry the title of “Father” yet he and his girlfriend keep popping out kids so that they can mooch off the system. Pathetic!!

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        • I do bitter letters to judges on a fee based system. I charge per letter, because my bitter time is valuable. Sounds like you gave me just the right amount of info for what I would need to write to your judge. You don’t care that I write a 100 page essay right? Mostly bitterspeak, but it will get me a lot of money.

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        • Being heavily medicated, I don’t care if it’s 2,000 pages, but I’m kinda broke. LOL And in reality, the longer the letter the less likely she is to read it all. It’s got be short, BITTER and to the point. 1 page. 2 max.

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        • I can’t get a credit card. My tool of an ex had 1 year to get my name off of our house. He didn’t, and let it go into foreclosure. Therefore, my credit now sucks. But, that’s a violation of the supreme court order, and he has to pay my attorney’s fees. HA HA HA HA HA

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        • I also take cash. I would suggest a garage sale as some suckers out there will take complete trash from your house and give you money. It makes me so bitter when people let my home go into foreclosure. Doesn’t that make you bitter too? See how easy it is? Join the bitterness!

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        • Nope. I refuse. I have a very strong dislike for my ex, but money is the single most important thing to him. I’m just going to hit him where it hurts. His wallet. He’s going to be paying fines on top of court fees and child support. His nasty white trash girlfriend is going to have no choice but to get a full time job. Poor thing… Just to dig him out of debt AGAIN. Karma… LOVE IT!

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        • You may think you are refusing, but really every time you talk about your ex you are going farther and farther down the bitter rabbit hole. So we know deep down you are a bitterling.

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        • When talking about my ex? Absofreakinglutely. But that’s ONLY because he’s hurting MY son. I don’t care about my credit, or money, or any other petty thing. I’d like to see him miserable, just because of the pain he is causing an innocent child.

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  12. I wrote a review about God’s Not Dead after having never watched it. I got chewed out for it. So reading this blog about Gravity must have been a taste of my own medicine. But then again I liked the movie so that makes sense. I blow raspberries at you!!! Thpt!

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  13. I wrote a review about God’s Not Dead after having never watched it. I got chewed out for it. So reading this blog about Gravity must have been a taste of my own medicine. But then again I liked the movie so that makes sense. I blow raspberries at you!!! Thpt!

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    • I had to agree with that. I kept kind of hoping she would realize how much of an annoyance she was, along with how much money she was costing the people of earth and just go join Clooney. At least he knew when to quit.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I totally agree. My husband made me see it in the theater, too, so I couldn’t even sneak out. Lame lame lame lame LAME. Was that ending supposed to be deep and meaningful somehow? I could have really used a little further explanation. How about a meaningful reunion with the child? Where was she supposed to have landed, anyhow? I don’t think she had her passport on hand. And then maybe a few minutes with the responsible party in Houston.

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    • I feel bad for you having to see it in the theater. The end was a cop out because they didn’t want to explain all the damage she did in space. How could she possibly justify doing all that stuff to all those satellites just so she could survive. After all that, I could see China wanting to go to war with us.

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  15. A technical marvel more than a good movie. Could have been great, but Sandra Bullock’s character couldn’t STFU for some reason.

    Loved most of the music.

    I concur, though, I’d like a George Clooney to follow me around. He seems like he’d be fun.

    The less said about that, the better.

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    • I didn’t find it technically marvellous. I guess not watching it in 3D or on a movie screen helped all that. And how could it be a marvel if almost all of the movie is just a bunch of stars (not Clooney stars)? Clooney stalking would have been more fun to watch.

      Liked by 1 person

      • To be fair, there was a good amount of Earth, too. And metal. Lots of metal, moving really, really fast. So there’s that. I saw it in a theater in 3D (my first and last 3D film because I was seasick driving home), and I have to say, it was a very pretty thing to look at.

        But at its heart, it was about Sandra Bullock’s character never shutting up. Because in space, no one can hear you yammering on until everyone hopes you get sliced into tiny bits by lots of metal moving really, really fast.

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