There are bad movies that are so bad that they are still good. Then there are good movies that are so good they are really bad. Then there are movies like Gravity starring Sandra Bullock and kind of George Clooney. Yes, I am talking about a movie that came out last October and made all kinds of money. Before I start this review let me just say that there are spoilers in here and I’m not going to give you any warning. I don’t really care if I ruin the movie for you, because the people that made it ruined it for you first. Also consider that I didn’t watch it in the movie theater, I didn’t watch it in 3D and I also don’t even watch the whole movie. I just happened to finish a good movie, and saw this movie as I was scrolling through the TV viewer guide and remembered that some people had talked positively about the movie (some freaking guy named Oscar. Maybe Oscar the Grouch was his name….?)
The first thing I saw was space and what could be more interesting than that? Did you know it is pretty much like night time in space all the time? The sun never shines there. Just a bunch of stars that don’t really light it up. So Sandy and George(can I call you Sandy and George?) are in their space suits all unattached to anything that should be holding them down like a ship or a station. Why would they leave that station again? Oh yeah, to get some space. I get it. I understand being cramped up in a space station. I had an MRI once and it wasn’t fun. And hour and a half of sitting in a tube where you couldn’t move more than an inch either way. A claustraphobe’s worst nightmare. So somehow these idiots who had been trained for years and years (I think. Remember I haven’t seen the beginning.) are out hanging outside in these suits somehow let go and let themselves be trapped out in space without being attached to something. Great. So then I find out Sandy is the inexperienced one and Clooney is the one that knows stuff? So of course, for drama’s sake or because he is noble or wants to teach her a lesson in reading your space manuals before you go to space, he “sacrifices himself” to space. He saves her because she “has something to live for” and he doesn’t? Nope, not buying it.
So Clooney decides to unstrap and die out in space without oxygen or whatever it is that humans needs to survive(while giving her instructions with his last breath on how to get in) and Sandy is bumbling around in her supersuit trying to grab something on the space station. She finally figures it out (this is genius we are sending into space?) gets inside, then starts taking her suit off and crying because she got Clooney killed. She turns she dials, twists some knobs and cries some more. All of a sudden a fire starts and she messes up things again. So she has to figure out how to get this satellite over to the Chinese Satellite so she can ruin their space program. So in order to do that, she has to read the manual (that she apparently has never done before) and somehow bumbles her way to but not before destroying the US Space station. I’m not an expert on how much a flying things in space cost, but I imagine that even the amount of money this movie made worldwide (including the Blu Ray sales) didn’t make enough to cover the cost of this satellite breaking. But that wasn’t enough for Ms. Sandy. She had to get into China’s satellite and start pushing buttons there. By this point of the movie her whining was already pushing my buttons.
She does something stupid again, and all of a sudden she is losing oxygen even inside in her super space suit. She tries to radio the Chinese, but then realized that she forget to learn that language before she went to space. Because you know, learning something before you are responsible for a space vehicle might be important or something. Then she starts meowing with this Chinese guys in hopes that maybe he would help her read the manual or something, but to no avail. Sandy complains that she is going to die all alone in space, (cause Clooney didn’t do the same thing, but in actual space instead of in a Chinese satellite) and just as she is about to pass out, she gets a knock on the window. Is it the Chinese guys just outside working on their satellite? Or is it…Oh my gosh it is George. Just out in space wandering around, somehow had enough oxygen and thrust in his pack to make it to the Chinese satellite. And then moments later, we of course realize that this is just Sandy’s hallucination. But Halluicination George has just the vital information that Sandy just happens to need to push her forward and help her remember what the crap to do. How convenient. I wish I had a Hallucination George for all my sticky situations.
Now Sandy knows just the right buttons to push and can all of a sudden read pictures enough to know the right sequence to do things. All of a sudden her life has purpose. All her training failures have come to teach her this lesson on how to survive. Then she starts mumbling a story back to dead George about some girl that she knows and how today she was going to make it back to her. So she gets this satellite from China to burn up its way back to earth, somehow makes the parachute come out at just the right time and lands safely in an ocean of unknown origin. Then because she is so impatient she decides to open the hatch without thinking that water might flood in. At this point we are done caring about her, and hope that she just drowns. But alas, at the last moment, she remembers to take her space suit off and somehow is able to not get eaten by a shark, or drown. Yeah, she takes a deep breath and is saved! But how could she swim so far to dry land? Oh she is only a few feet from land? How convenient? How do lucky things keep happening to her? We are so glad, that after only 2 satellites and the sacrifice of another way more experienced, way more deserving person died, that Sandy made it to dry land. Now we just get to see her triumphant return to see that daughter of hers or whoever it was that was talking about that was motivating her to come back to earth. Nope, that is where the movie ends. With her alone on a deserted island of unknown origin. You know what? Maybe this movie did have a happy ending. Because maybe we have the sequel, where she survives this harrowing experience only to be stranded on this island where she talks to Wilson (that was left by Tom Hanks) and she dies before she is found. Serves her right for destroying all those space stations.
Bitter GRAVITAS Ben