Because it is my 200th post, I’ve decided that it is about time that I start my own Hall of Bitterness. Besides, it is that time of year again (by again I mean the first time), where we dishonor the most Bitter People on the Planet that I call the United Countries of Bitterness(UCB) because earth is too general and weird of a name for a planet (So we are named after dirt? Good plan!)
The Hall of Bitterness is modeled after the Hall of Fame (baseball, basketball, football or otherwise), in every way, except for all of them. Instead of honoring the most famous and best players in a sport, it is more of a Shrine of the Most Bitter People on the UCB. Instead of an actual building that has a hall where pictures and paraphanelia and plaques and actual awards are put, it’s more of a place inside my head. Don’t worry though, there is plenty of space in there considering how little of my head I actually use. Of course, there isn’t enough room for any human being to fit in there. I mean, my head isn’t that big! So, you will have to just use your own imagination to see what it actually looks like. But I can tell you who is in there. This year the official inductees into the Hall of Bitterness are:
Caught in Traffic that is Going to make Him Late for Job He Can’t Stand Guy
This guy was been patient long enough. He at least deserves to go to the Hall of Bitterness for his consistent work.
Traffic Guy: I’d like to be bitter towards all those people who have made the beginning of my day as miserable as when I get to work. Just when I start having the worst day at work since yesterday, I imagine my two hour commute home, in my non air conditioned car and I remember how misery can really be. I’m so glad that I came to this awards ceremony at the peak of traffic so I can imagine how miserable I will be on my three hour commute home. Really, thanks a lot Bitter Ben for “bestowing” upon me this honor. Arrrgggghhhh!
Hans Gruber
The face of Bitterness. Just one guy. That is all I had to take care of.
Hans Gruber: Hold on. Can’t talk right now. I’m about to take some money from the Nakatomi Plaza and this stupid John McClane cop guy is just kind of being a bother. As soon as I take care of him I’ll be right with you. It’s fine, he’s got his hands up and I have his wife hostage. Nothing bad can happen. Wait, is that Christmas wrapping tape on his back? OH nooooo! Well, all I have to say while I am falling from this building in slow motion is I could have been a multi millionaire, sitting on the beach collecting 20% if it was for this stupid, barefoot, John Wayne wannabe NY cop. Don’t worry though. My brother will avenge me. Wait, what? There’s a third one of these? Nooooo!
Guy with Family stuck at Disneyland for 5 days.
The Happiest Place on Earth, yeah!
Angry Disney Dad: I want to dedicate this to all the other fathers who wanted to sit on the couch and enjoy the 5 days off of work, but instead decided that it would be more fun to pay for a nice hotel, airfare, and entrance to a park that encourages waiting in lines, paying $20 for parking and $50 for a hot dog and has more souvenir shops than actual rides. Did I mention all the walking? How could I possibly have more fun sitting at home on the couch doing whatever I want? Spending time with other crazed lunatics is much more fun. Thanks for this Bitter Hall of Fame induction, but I couldn’t possibly accept it when I am at the Happiest Place on Earth!
Voldemort
A stupid baby. That is all it took to destroy me. Good thing I will get back at him in 18 years.
Voldemort: I want to dedicate this induction to the Hall of Bitters to He who I can’t stand, Harry Potter. Dude hardly figured out how to do magic and somehow figured out what a Horcrux was and what the Deathly Hallows were, and how to kill all of mine and how to use the Deathly Hallows all in one year. He even get Severus Snape to betray me. And Severus hated him. Blast that fool kid. One stupid kid was my downfall. Arrrrggghhh.
Dwight Schrute:
Dang it Jim.
Dwight Shrute: As assisstant Regional Manager, I accept your award as I am a way better salesman than Jim Halpert. He is lazy and a rule breaker and knows way less about ninjas than I do. Wait, you are making him co-manager? I am also a way better salesperson than Andy Bernard. Clearly Angela doesn’t love him at all. Wait, now he is he the Regional Sales Manager after Micheal leaves? Arrrggh, Dang it Jim!
So does anyone agree or disagree with the Hall of Famers? (Cause I don’t care. I made this place.) Any nominations for next year? (Or when I feel like doing the next one?)
Arrrgggghhh
Bitter Hall of Fame Ben
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- Birch Bay Bitterness (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
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Ben's Bitter Blog 
Another print and read later!!! The pic of Dwight just grabbed me. Think I’m kinda diggin your bitter blog Ben. :))
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Again, all I have to do is get some funny pictures and people will join my cult? Sounds sweet!
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BTW another awesome article. I loved Dwight and damn it he should have been the manager!! Andy OMG, lolol! Did like the way it all ended though… did they ever do a spin off? Dwight with his farm and was it.. Swedish girl?
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Dwight did eventually become manager at the end right? There should have been a spin-off, but I think NBC decided not to do it. It would have been epic though.
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Don’t know how I missed your 200th until now, but you keep getting bitter and bitter!
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It is gaining some bitter momentum, that is for sure. At least people know now that there are at least 200 things to be bitter about.
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Why don’t your parents get into the bitter hall of fame? don’t they deserve some recognition?
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They definitely deserve to be there. You will probably be in the Hall next year.
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Happy 200th!
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It seemed so easy. I must just be really bitter.
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Oh yeah. Love them all. I would like to add the lazy website managers who design things such that after you’ve searched for while, then finally decide to order, the site glitches. Yes. THOSE folks. You need to put yourself in there, too. 😉
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If you can’t fix a website at this point then you need to get out of web developing, my kids could can almost fix them well.
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Congratulations on a Bitter Milestone, Ben!
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I guess I just have a lot of things to be bitter about. That’s a little scary.
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Congratulations on your 200th post. Well done. And thanks for visiting my blog. I appreciate it. Come back on Fridays for free flash fiction stories.
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Sounds like a Friday thing to do!
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My son is in second grade. I’d like to nominate his teacher, who I’m pretty sure is disgruntled that kids are interrupting her margarita hour.
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Sounds like a winner. Next time the committee meets we will discuss her.
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Voldemort was my favorite today…destroyed by a stupid baby. Thanks for that.
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I always try to look at the bitter side of people.
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Bitter 200! You’re going to have to do a post based strictly on bitter bitches! If you need inspiration, I’ll lend you some of my bitter bitchiness
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I probably wouldn’t call them that, out of respect for not having a hit put out on me, but I could do one on the bitter lady folk. Any suggestions on Bitter Ladies?
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Lisa lampanelli (sp?) is bitter… And funny!
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She is a great example. A lot of girl comedians are bitter.
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“in every way except for all of them” LOL
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I specialize in backwards bad humor.
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that was backwards good humor; like steven wright.
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congrats on the 200, and i would like to suggest the guy whose cable goes out right at a key point of a sporting event he is obsessed with. they tend to be a bit bitter. thank you.
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I can’t believe I didn’t think about that one. Although I am pretty bitter about the team I am “obsessed” with. They made to game 7 of the NBA Finals and lost in the worst possible way. It suuuuucked.
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I’ll just bet having to take the time to write those 200 posts made you bitter.
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And it took only like a year and a half to do it. Next time I’m just going to do all of them at once.
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Lol I think that’s a great plan
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I’m a doctorate of bad ideas.
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What does the D stand for in P.hD.? In your case I mean?
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Depression leading to bitterness.
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I am not going to congrate you on your 200th post since you remain bitter. By the way, you forgot “Angry Woman who never gets a good break on the price from her cable company because they are too busy giving the good deals to the new people.” Grrrrrrrr.
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That’s sounds like a worthy addition next time. I will alert the committee about that one for next time.
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From the old broad in the back of the room-or your Blog-NO! Not that nasty one that grabbed that jar outta sister’s^ hand, hellz, NO! If I saw that, I’d grab it away from her and beat her more senseless yet with my cane after I handed the jar to you. I’m the one that’s the stand-in gma when you need a break, OK?
So I have a nomination (now that we cleared up any bitter misunderstandings): That skinny ass Thang sportin’ a pair of after-market jugs glued to her concave chest/”designer”/ex-“Spice Girl,” the Queen of Haughty Haute Couture, “I just sucked an ENTIRE BARREL of NYC’s finest dills,” may I present for your bitter consideration…..Ms. Victoria Beckham.
Now, I’m clueless about “celebrities.” I’m clueless about a lot of things since my last stroke. BUT! I can “properly identify” the “emotions associated with the pictures” on a piece of paper. (I got an A-I think.) I do believe Ms. Beckham has captured the Bitter Crown for the Most Bitter Frown-EVAH! In fact, the only reason why I even have an idea she inhabits the same Planet (and isn’t *really an alien life form*) is because she’s always somewhere-scowling.Consistently. I can’t seem to escape this…this…epitome of Bitterness, This Poster Child of “Life Sucks and So Do I! Suck a Pickle or a Jar of ‘Em Today!” Initially, I felt sorry for that young-ish woman figuring she didn’t smile because she couldn’t afford dental work. Or a plate-besides the one that musta hit her in the face sometime in the past. (Tres trauma! Ohhh! The HUMANITY!!!) But she married some Big Bucks Sports guy. So money is no object and apparently, no guarantee of the absence of bitterness. But I wouldn’t mind “Trading Spaces” with her for oh…let’s say the rest of my very few remaining years. I do believe I’d be smiling to my very comfortable death: I could afford to eat everything, get my teeth fixed and kick the “Bucket List” with a soup spoon stuck in a tub of Ben and Jerry’s.
And the guy stuck in traffic? I get him too. That shirt would make me bitter before I even left my house to get in my car and mow down some pedestrians on the sidewalk because “they were in my way, THAT’S WHY!”
OK. So what sez you all? amiright? huh? Pleeeassseee? Ms. Beckham for the “Hall of Bitchy Bitterness Fame!”
And Congratulations, Ben. For a bitter young guy, you make this old widow smile-consistently;) Many thanks!
TW
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I didn’t even think of her because she is so far off my radar, because I don’t like soccer or the Spice Girls and she doesn’t really make appearances around Hollywood that much that I know of, but she is definitely someone who could be considered for the Hall of Bitterness. I will run that by my committee of Bitterness and see about including her on the next one. Bitter for sharing!
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You are so coming with me on my next shopping trip, TW. Got yer shotgun? Let’s go!
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Assistant to the Regional Manager…..
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He’s in charge when Michael and Jim are out of the office.
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I think Voldemort’s nose should have its own entry.
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Maybe in the nose Bitter Hall of Fame?
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Bitter 200th! 🙂
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And a bitter day to you.
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lol! Pretty funny Ben. Love the Hans Gruber one!
No bitter women?
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I’m sure there are bitter women out there somewhere. Do you have any nominations? I try to tread lightly when I talk about bitter women.
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Great list BB… ‘specially the Bitter Guy in traffic, i think i’ve met him going through the MacDooey’s Drive (Stay) through.
I would like to nominate the bitter old hag whose sole means for the justification of her existence is grabbing the last jar of Horlicks out of my hand at the Walmart 10 min. markdown sale. That was for my kids, you old bag! I hope you choke on it!
And no, i’m not bitter about that at all…
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I’m not sure what Horlicks is, but it bitter be something good for their to be an old hag with you fight. I will discuss that with the Bitter Committee and see if they will consider it.
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… it’s kind of like Ovaltine. Like she needs to nourish her growth, right?
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Especially with something that tastes like Ovaltine. She needs a milkshake instead.
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No, Ben. She needs an enema.
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I’m not sure who my favorite nominee is. Hans Gruber and Voldemort are definitely up there.
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Congratulations!
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I didn’t even make it to the Hall of Bitterness. So bitter.
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