In doing research for my Bitter Restaurant, I am trying to go to as many restaurants as I can for research(and by as as many as I can, I mean like once a month). I need to find the least politically correct name, the worst service and the most deceitful pricing. While no restaurant will ever be all those things until the Bitter Restaurant is officially open years from now, I did find a fantastically bitter example this weekend that will surely provide bitterspiration for the final product.
Let’s start with the name. Every bitter restaurant needs a completely perplexing name. The one we visited Friday was called XXX Rootbeer Drive-in. While it is a perplexing name for a burger restaurant, they at least gave it a go. I’ve been spitballing a few names and here are a few I came up with. How about Arsenic Filled Rhurbarb Cakes or Salmonella Sausage House of Floor Tacks? I’m still looking into names that will cause failure to happen the fastest.
The next thing that I learned from XXX was completely unacceptable service. We walked in and were not greeted by anyone, because they were too busy standing in the corner talking about how much they hated their jobs. Instead, they had a sign saying that we should get our own dang menus and seat your own darn self. I, of course, bitterly respected the heck out of that method. I would take it a few steps further by misprinting the menu, double booking seats and hiring only the most bitter servers. In fact, my servers will be only be poorly trained Bitterians that failed miserably at my B.I.T.T.E.R. school of Bitterness, Server Addition.
The next way XXX Rootbeer Drive-In bitterspired me was in their pricing. I went there with the expectation of not paying much because of their 1950’s theme. I went in with a dollar bill and was expecting to feed my family of four and walking out with $.50 change after my penny tip. (I know. I am generous tipper.) While they fooled customers by using modern day overpricing, they also found other ways to overcharge. They only accepted what they used to call “cash or checks”. You know, because they didn’t have credit or debit cards back then. My favorite charge was the sharing charge though. If you wanted to eat someone else’s food you got charged $2.00 additional. While I appreciated the $2.00 charge, I don’t think they took it far enough. I would start with a “walking in” fee, a “parking fee”, “sitting fee”, a “plate fee”, etc. I have not begun to figure out all the charges, but they will be a bitter part of the dining experience. Then when I fail miserably, the Food Network will swoop in with all their shows and to try to save my restaurant and I will use them for pubilicty like a Bachelor on the Bachelorette. And bitter publicity is the best of all.
I’m really bitter that this restaurant didn’t go far enough on getting on customer’s nerves though. For that I only give it 4 bitter roots out of 5.
Arrrghhhh
Bitter Foodie Ben
Related articles
- Bringing In-N-Out Burger to Colorado still top on Denver councilman’s list of priorities (blogs.denverpost.com)
- Bitter Pictures of the Early Part of the Week (or Monday as I like to call it) (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Bitter Awareness Week (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
- Picasso Bitterness (bensbitterblog.wordpress.com)
Pingback: Pillow: My Bitter Review | Ben's Bitter Blog
Pingback: Burt Wonderstone: A bitter Review | Ben's Bitter Blog
Pingback: Shoe Bitterness | Ben's Bitter Blog
I think we have a sign on us when we go out that says, “Please give us really crappy service!” It never fails!
LikeLike
I have that tattooed on my forehead. They know I won’t say anything, but will just stew and keep it inside.
LikeLike
I’m on board for everything except double booking the seats. I was once at an outdoor bar and it rained. I was sharing my seat with several other people and it was a bit awkward to look to either side and have someone’s butt in my face. Thankfully, it was a gay bar. And the whole thing was hilarious when the floor started flooding.
Anyway, because I’m arguing that you shouldn’t double book seats, I feel like I need to come up with another bitter idea to replace that one. I think you should make milkshakes with soy milk and stuff that won’t taste the same. But it will look the same and confuse your customers. Only you would know the truth and you could make sure they felt like they were completely crazy by the time they left.
LikeLike
A couple of years ago for my wedding anniversary we went to Cheesecake Factory and we ended up sitting right between a grandma and her annoying granddaughter and the waiter area. It was the most romantic night ever. I’m pretty sure this will make people bitter….I like your idea too. No reason why we can’t use that idea too.
LikeLike
Cheesecake factory…. omg you have good taste. I would have taken a slice of cheesecake to go in order to make up for that torment. Have you tried their corn fritters? Heaven. Absolute heaven.
LikeLike
There are always so many options that I don’t know where to start with them. I usually get pasta and enjoy listening to other people’s conversations because they are practically sitting on my lap.
LikeLike
You’re thinking like the airline industry here. Hope your biz doesn’t crash and burn.
LikeLike
My biz will crash and burn. Just a matter of time before the Food Network needs to come in and bail me out like a government loan to the banking industry.
LikeLike
Pingback: Bitter Car Pictures of the Week | Ben's Bitter Blog
You must look up how Fawlty Towers came to be.
LikeLike
I will be the inspiration for an American version of that.
LikeLike
This reminds me of the experience we had on our way to the ranch. Oh, bitter service!
LikeLike
My restaurant will at least be upfront about having bad service. Where is the ranch? In Utah?
LikeLike
I had no idea those XXX burger joints still existed. I haven’t seen one in these parts for years. that’s probably good.
LikeLike
They shouldn’t exist anymore. This one is in Issaquah and apparently they were taken over by bad management.
LikeLike
That’s still there! I thought it was long gone, sounds like it should be.
LikeLike
We won’t be going back there anytime soon.
LikeLike
In the spirit of Salmonella Sausage, what about Giardia Gourmet or Shigella’s Saloon? And don’t forget to charge a complaint fee, or a fee to use the toilet.
LikeLike
I’m definitely open to more fees and the toilet fee is definitely right up there. My favorite part is that I will be not be revealing all these fees until it is too late. I hope to have bitter word of mouth.
LikeLike
Try this on for size: The Chancre Shack- “where you never have to ask for extra sauce”
LikeLike
That name is deplorable. It is definitely in my top 100 now. Don’t ever give up trying different names to try to get in the top 50..
LikeLike
Salmonella Sausage House gets my vote!
LikeLike
For a place you would avoid? Because I don’t want my restaurant filled with people that are asking me to make them dinner. I want them to go home and make their own dinner.
LikeLike
Don’t forget to garnish every dinner with a long hair weaved throughout the food.
LikeLike
That is a fantastic idea and one that will prevent me from ever eating the food there. I can’t stand hair. My head doesn’t like it much either.
LikeLike
Yeah…I get pretty bitter when I find hair in my food–then I get bitter about feeling like I want to throw up–then I realize it’s my own hair, and it’s a triple whammy of bitterness.
LikeLike
I always know it is other people’s hair, because mine aren’t long. I think if anyone ever wanted to terrorize me they would put hair in my cereal. Then I would become a cereal killer.
LikeLike
Ha! Mr. Clever Pants!
LikeLike
My pants are way more clever than me.
LikeLike
I like the Salmonella Sausage name. I’d go there. I’m looking forward to the opening.
LikeLike
The Salmonella gives it that specific flavor that people want to avoid. Which is great because who wants to serve people anyways? They would just be bothering me, always asking me to make them dinner. Get your own dinner!
LikeLike
the tooth and nail? important staff wears as much flair as possible
LikeLike
I really like that name. People are repulsed by teeth and nails and they could be littered on the floor causing people to not want to be there. Staff will wear bitter looks and too much flair.
LikeLike
Glad you like the name, and of course waitstaff would fight tooth and nail for tables/sections. Your tooth and nail litter idea would replace the old peanut shell on the floor concept.
LikeLike
The whole peanut shell thing is so tired and it’s time for a new concept and that concept is pain. We will charge $25 for tetanus shots and that is where the revenue will come from.
LikeLike
Make sure you put salt in people’s soda for a truly bitter experience.
LikeLike
That is a fantastic idea. Salty brownies would work as well.
LikeLike
Will you have bitter fries? What will be your specialty?
LikeLike
Anything that is bitter. I’m thinking rhubarb and bitter energy drinks. Needless to say I would never eat there.
LikeLike
Oh why not???!! How many bitter dollars do I have to bribe you, to eat there? LOL
LikeLike
Do you get bitter bucks from Starbucks? If so, I imagine you have plenty enough bitter bucks to bribe and get 0 star service. But we do provide Pepto at extra charge.
LikeLike
HEY, BEN, I’m baaaack! Love the article, particularly the comment re: the TRIPLE-COVERED WALL…apologies for my absence (see my latest post if you wanna know why..which is GOOD NEWS, btw), but I promise to have something insanely positive to annoy you REALLY SOON…
LikeLike
I look forward to popping your happy balloon. It makes a bitterman’s day more bitter.
LikeLike
LOL…GAME on…:)
LikeLike
And a bitter Monday to you.
LikeLike
P.S. This post totally reminded me of you! 🙂 Surprising it was actually Kurt Vonnegut who uttered these thought-provoking words considering how dismal some of his work was…anyway…check out the quote:
http://rachaelstanford.wordpress.com/2013/06/30/a-reminder-for-your-sunday/
LikeLike
I think I would just switch around the words. Thanks I think I use that for a future post.
LikeLike
LOL…dammit…guess that backfired on me…ah…but do not underestimate me, dear BitterMAN, I shall retaliate in kind to whatever you do with Mr. Vonnegut’s statement…:). HAVE A GREAT MONDAY!
~TB
LikeLike
It sounds to me as if you are trying to hard to convince your self of having a good Monday. Just embrace the ease of bitterness towards it.
LikeLike
LOL! I’m sorry, but my cranky Grandmother has been relocated to a nursing home 1,000 miles away, so the world is now MY OYSTER, and Monday is just the name assigned to the day after Sunday from now on…:), and ’tis a very HAPPY MONDAY, indeed – even though it just might rain today, and I DON’T CARE…cuz nothing short of a fire-breathing dragon torching my house could possibly get me down these days. Say do you don’t have one of those, do you? (A dragon?)…seems like t’would your kind of PET…:)
LikeLike
I do have one(a dragon) and he is on his way to burn your house and the village you live in. I like how you are secretly bitterly sarcastic like me.
LikeLike
LOL…yeah, but it’s just SARCASM…I’m not really bitter…just good at faking it, LOL…:)! Thanks for the laugh!
Oh, and in case I hadn’t mentioned, I have another super power. I can turn anything into water (and back again), so your dragon’s fire is useless…my house will be a watery wall of impenetrable goo when he arrives…:)
BLESSED be the day, BEN! 🙂
TB
LikeLike
Good thing my dragon are also water breathing dragons that will drown your little castle.
LikeLike
LOL..methinks Ben has been drinking too much of his bitter KOOL-AIDE…:)
Perhaps, try some good old-fashioned iced tea instead? Hope you’re having an auspiciously AWESOME day!
Peace out~
TB
LikeLike
Even more bitter for you, my dragons are breathe Kool-Aid and all the bitter flavors for your castle to taste as it drowns.
LikeLike
Oh, and, of course, I’ll turn the village into one big, flooded blob as well…:)
Love, and chocolate chip cookies!
TB
LikeLike
I have actually made some chocolate chip cookies for you. I substituted the salt for sugar. The will be bitter to the taste for you.
LikeLike
Salty chocolate chips! Sounds really delicious! Look forward to trying them…
~TB
LikeLike
I look forward to the bitter pictures of your bitter face as you eat them.
LikeLike
Camera, check, smiling FACE eagerly awaiting cookies, check…:)
LikeLike
Waiting for cookies to deliver…check…promise of cookies assured check…but cookies never come…bitter face …check…
LikeLike
Man! I was wishing for five bitter roots!
LikeLike
No one will ever get 5 bitter roots, except for my restaurant. No one will have the combo of all three working for them.
LikeLike
How about just BitterBurgers? Has that onomatopoeia thing going for it.
LikeLike
Because that would make too much sense. I need something much more complicated and bitter sounding. Bitter Burgers is simply too easy.
LikeLike
But bitterly tasty my bitter friend.
LikeLike
Bitter taste is just the beginning.
LikeLike
Watch it with all the fees, or people will call your restaurant “Ticketmaster”. And don’t you dare use the name “Jennifer’s Wiener Hut”. I already have plans for that one.
LikeLike
I need to add more fees. Do you think I want to have better service than Ticketmaster. As much as I want to use Jennifer’s Wiener Hut, I think I will respectfully and bitterly allow you to have it, and won’t sue as long as I can have a free one.
LikeLike
I think I found the perfect waitress for you. She works at a chain restaurant in a US airport. I won’t say where it is here because if you have any competition in the bitter restaurant field, they might snap her up before you do.
LikeLike
I’m not worried about the competition when it comes to bitter. In fact, I’m pretty sure that when the time comes, that person will have been fired 5 times and my restaurant will attract her like a bee to honey.
LikeLike
Ben’s Bitter Burgers isn’t a good enough name?
You could mix turnips into the meat before cooking That will make it very bitter. For the healthy bitter burger, you could add ground quinoa to the mix. For southern burgers, add finely ground cornmeal. Then for the western burger, don’t forget to add a few prickly pear cactus thorns.
LikeLike
What? Go with the obvious name? It doesn’t tell enough about how terrible the restaurant is. I think customers would demand a terrible name.
LikeLike
The name would be a clue. The food would speak for itself…and speak…and speak…
LikeLike
I want the name to be the thing that sticks in their head, while the food sticks in their stomach.
LikeLike
Ben’s Rotten Roadkill (Try our Salmonella Special)
Diner’s Dump (Free Pepto with every purchase)
LikeLike
Sounds like you have a future in naming bitter restaurant chains that I create, destroy and then reinvent. I will have to say that Pepto can be provided for an additional charge of $2.00 per cup. In fact, this is how we make the real money. Genius idea that I am claiming that I stole from you.
LikeLike
$2 a cup seems a cheap price. Be bitter about the fact that I, for one, will not dine in one of your establishments. 🙂
LikeLike
Good, because I only want positive people that won’t complain about the service no matter how bad.
LikeLike
Then look no further than the politically correct, participation award crowd. That’s your best bet. 🙂
LikeLike
My best bet is all the followers I have who are so positive that come here for training on how to be bitter….
LikeLike
What? All 2 of them? 🙂
LikeLike
Nope all both of them.
LikeLike
4 outta 5 ain’t too bad for bitterness! I would defintely want to work at your restaurant. I’m certain I would win world’s worst, and most bitter, server!
LikeLike
You would be right up there, but you would first need to enroll in and drop out of your the bitter school.
LikeLike
Don’t forget to advertise that your food is 99% Ecoli free
LikeLike
I like the idea of creating just enough doubt to make someone want to come in.
LikeLike