Picasso Bitterness

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Freeeaaakkyy!

Freeeaaakkyy!

As an expert in jumping to conclusions, being ignorant and making assumptions on things I have overheard, I believe that Picasso was a good artist.  So good apparently that many people call their best work their “Picasso”.  Maybe he was good at one time, but that was a long time ago.  How about we move on to new people that get the title of the “Best”.  In other words, how about we call someone’s best bike ride their “Jordan” or someone’s best presentation at work their “Bond”, James Bond.  Or someone’s best remodel work was their Tony Hawk.

I’m not saying that Picasso wasn’t good at connecting lines and using paint, but did we ever consider that maybe someone else was just as good at painting?    Picasso is pretty old by now and is probably in a nursing home and just wants people to leave him alone.  Perhaps he is even a bitter old man by now.  Regardless, I think there should be some changes to the “best of” conventions.

I got in hot water for this plumbing disaster. In fact, I was fired.

I got in hot water for this plumbing disaster. In fact, I was fired.

Here is what I propose:  Anytime someone does their best in something they call it their Bitter Ben.  I am terrible at a lot of things. I can barely add single digit numbers with a calculator, and I even need help even to do that from my 5 year old.  I’m really good at destroying things, but when it comes to fixing things, repairing things or building things I am a disastrophy.  Ask me to unclog a sink, change my oil or tighten a screw and I’m lost in a sea of bitterness.  Communicating with other human being with anything other than a bitter stare, a grunt or a short terse phrase and I look like a kindergartner trying to figure out astrophysics, but in a non cute kid way.  But when it comes to bitterness, I am the master.  A more virtuoso performance of bitterness you will never see.

Could Picasso do this kind of art? Make even celebrities look good?

Could Picasso do this kind of art? Make even celebrities look good?

Do you think Picasso was an expert at race car driving or good at math?  I don’t think so, unless someone has a time machine and can go back and prove it to me.  I’ll make him do a few laps around the old race track at 200 mph before I will believe he’s anything other than a decent Nascar driver. If he does perform well,  I’ll be the first to admit I am bitterly wrong and you can eat my shorts.  And by the way, Picasso may have been good at doing Picasso’s but how do you think he would handle Photoshopping the cellulite off of a celebrity?  We can do the time machine again if you want, but I’m going to go ahead say he would struggle with that.  Besides don’t “they” say art is subjective? If so, then isn’t it just some subjective person saying he was the best?

Micheal Jordan has all kinds of stats to prove he was the best.  I have all kinds of stats (150+ post and counting) that say I am the most bitter.  How can we prove that Picasso was the best?  What stats appear on the back Picasso’s art collector card?  Did he paint the most paintings?  Did he get rated the highest in Zagat the most times? Did they do the Sabre Metrics to find if people were looking most pensively when they were staring at his paintings? Did he get a lot of views and likes on his Youtube channel?

How viral did Picasso's art go?

How viral did Picasso’s art go?

My theory is that one day some guy wanted to impress his date, so he claimed that a Picasso painting he just happened to be viewing was the greatest of all time.  She told someone else, that person did a blog post, a Youtube video went viral and all of a sudden Picasso was crowned the king.  On the other hand, my posts aren’t funny, emotional or even make sense ever.  But they do showcase the one thing I am good at and I am the President of.  Bitterness.  The stats back me up.  Check comments, read posts, check my stats and count the amount of time I have said bitter or any form of it.  (I throw down the bitter mic and walk away bitterly.)

So the next time you want to proclaim your greatness call it your Bitter Ben.  Or at the very least call me the Micheal Jordan of Bitterness.

Bitter Ben Out

All images courtesy of Google
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46 thoughts on “Picasso Bitterness”

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  6. Arghhhhh I don’t like Picasso. It freaks me out. I get the angles, I get the shapes, I get how the man thought but I don’t like it. The faces look crazy and I can’t see how it fetches millions. It’s not even that involved. Seriously. It’s not like it’s cohesive, it doesn’t take years to paint. Seriously, I just don’t… ugh.

    Why you make me so bitter? 😛

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  7. I’m the Bitter Ben of writing sassy blog posts and eating sweets. I think this could come back to bite you, though. I passed a thug downtown today who said he was the Bitter Ben of larceny.

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  9. I’ve always referred to my best moments as my ‘rock star’ moment, and it depends on what I’m doing in order for the reference bring to mind a specific rock star. Example: parking next to the door of where I’m going? Plain old rock star parking. Success dyeing my hair? rock star dye job. Now suppose I almost fell down on the dance floor (again) and saved myself with a smooth move. That would be “I pulled a Michael Jackson.’
    Or when I tell someone off and I don’t have to say a single word,its all body language and attitude? That, my bitter friend, is called a Mick Jagger, as in ‘Did you see me go all Mick Jagger on that waiter?’ Dude has the moves, am I right?

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  10. Oh my goodness! Where to start! First of all, I have seen that Picasso learned at an early stage in his life how to draw, paint and do what people expect out of “art.” He sincerely could do realistic art so well. Just go to one of his museums, I went to one in Spain. His doodles would impress you, let alone he created a whole different style of art, cubism, that also became a Modern Art form. Okay, I also think that it is silly that you are starting a fad of calling things by the name of whoever is best at the current time for what they are doing. Lastly, I will be happy to title things “Bitter Ben” like
    “Bitter Ben’s Lemonade,” “Bitter Ben’s Pickles” or how about “Bitter Ben’s Bestselling Novel, Featuring Bitter Ben’s Sarcastic Wit?” I like that one!

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  12. Picasso’s dead, pal. And you know what he said on his deathbed? ‘I have no respect for anyone who ever bought my work.’ Apparently the whole Cubism bit began as a joke between himself and Braques and then it got so big and he was making so much money that he couldn’t admit that it was all a farce. (snapshot of guilt-driven Spaniard making 100 sketches a day just to justify his fame). Now that the Father of Modern Art has come clean, he’s essentially tanked the art industry… you know, auctions, galleries, critics, the works. I bet the art leeches are pretty bitter about that!

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  16. What’s so great about sport stars… almost all of your comparisons were about sports.
    Sports sports sports… I am sick and bitter about sports. I could make a basket when I was younger, too. I even had a skateboard in the 60’s!
    Besides, I prefer Salvador Dali! Can you make a clock melt?

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  17. While I think no one can beat me at bitter conclusion-jumping and assumption-making, I agree with you. He’s probably bitter about that!

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      • You could well be right, although I do like Picasso (sorry) don’t think he’s the greatest, but he was pretty good (but in a bad way of course, bitterly bad) 🙂

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        • His paintings freak me out a little and by a little I mean a lot, but that just an immature, bitter, non arty freak like me. I am just as much a fan of carictures or my kids drawings than I am of some fancy artist. But that is just bitter me.

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  19. I agree totally with you! People rehash eternal the old stuff. Also have got enough of these dated terms. I have don some Ben Bitter today – that sound really fresh and global!

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