In the past, I’ve talked about my dozen of my get rich quick schemes. become rich. There was the living off of my son’s NIL money scheme that failed, the Go Fund Me for Poor Bitter Bloggers scheme, the trying to own a square foot of land in Scotland Scheme, the failed Bitter School of Bitterness, the failed Bitter News from the Couch YouTube Channel thing, and the asking Elon Musk to sponsor me scheme. I even tried selling out by offering to sell bensbitterblog to Burger King, since they already own bitter.com. I’ve talked about dozens of others in previous blogs, such as winning the lottery, but I’m counting my audience to go back and read them all, so I don’t have to (because boring).

I’ve worked unnecissarily hard and lived way too long to not be rich at this point. I’m getting old and my back, knees, shoulders, and feet prefer a couch to sitting in a chair doing work. It’s time for wealth to just be dropped in my lap, so I don’t have to work anymore.

At least, I thought it was time for wealth to plop in my lap. Recently (like 5 minutes ago) I realized that money comes with strings. Always has. I know that because anytime my parents gave me money, there was always something they wanted in return. But you know that, every time you give a company money, you also want something in return. That’s just how money works. But having a lot of money, there is a huge string, and it is called Attention. As a life long introvert, I don’t like attention. Every once in a while is okay, but for the most part, I crave peace over attention. For this reason, I realized with riches comes attention, so for my Uno Reverse card, I’m going to tell you why I’m GLAD I’m not rich.

First, I don’t have the unlimited resources to be able to go on a vacation whenever I want. But guess what? I don’t like going on vacations. To stressful, too much flying, too much loading and unloading. Then you have to go back to work and make up for all the things you missed when you were gone. Don’t even pretend that your co-workers did anything for you while you were gone.

I may not have enough money to do anything but pay my bills, but that means I don’t have all this attention from a bunch of charities that want my money. It also means I can watch all those charity commercials on TV guilt-free, because I’m sorry I can’t donate to PETA, ASPCA, Shriner’s Hospital, St. Jude Hospital, Tunnels to Towers, Wounded Warriors, or any other guilt-wrenching charities on TV because I’m just trying to make sure I can pay the heating bill.

I barely have enough money to pay for air conditioning, so that means I don’t have the attention of Capitol Hill. That means I don’t have to be summoned to Capitol Hill and be grilled by a bunch of Senators and Congressman about how in the world I went from being $50,000 in debt to having a net worth of $25 million. As fun as it sounds to have $25 million, it’s not near as fun as it sounds to have a bunch of corrupt, idiotic, moronic government officials combing through all my expenditures, and accuse me of much less fraud than they are all committing.

I may only have enough money to buy things for myself a couple of times a year, but at least I don’t have the attention of all the awards shows. I’m glad that I don’t have the attention of people who are literally awarding people for being slightly better at singing than other people. I’m glad I’m not at an event where people are given mini statues in exchange for pretending to be someone else (acting), following people around and filming them (directing), writing fairy tales on paper for pretenders to say out loud (screenplaying), telling people how to aim cameras (cinematography), putting made up stuff on green screens (special effects), going shopping to buy other people’s clothes (costume design), building stuff (set design), and cutting up other people work (editing). I’m glad I don’t have the attention of a small group of entitled people I don’t have to pretend to care about. I’m glad I don’t have the attention of a group of people that lecture me about things like the world, politics, war, and society, even though they’ve never made it past third grade or have any idea how a regular bitter person lives.

I may only have enough money to have a car that is barely held together by duct tape, but at least I don’t have to exchange millions of dollars, so I can be in gym class every day for the next 20 years, IE be a professional athlete. I don’t have the pressure of perform on a stage for millions of people, most of which hate me because of the team I’m on, and millions because I’m on the team they love. The rest of the millions hate me because of a play I might make that lose them thousands on a bet. that lost them a bet. I’m even glad that I don’t have owners, GM’s, and coaches that could treat me like a pawn on a chessboard and throw me in on a trade, sending me to a completely new city, just because my contract makes a trade work financially.

I may not not have enough money to buy my wife a Balenciaga purse (or spell it without Google’s assistance), but I also don’t have to go to work and be immediately assaulted by dozens of executives, CFO’s, CMO’s, COO’s, CTO’s, and executive assistant’s because of a single post on X. Or a news report about interest rates going down a half a point, or a scandal that happened with my great grand niece that I’m apparently responsible for.

I may not have enough money to buy a pack of Pokémon Cards, but I also don’t have to worry about supporting not only my kid’s, but my sister and her kids, my neighbor’s “business idea”, or pay back my lawncare technician’s kid’s student loans. I also don’t have to discover I have dozens of long lost fraudster’s, uh relatives that just need a couple of $10,000 loans every couple of months so they can pay back their loan sharks.

I may not have enough money in my bank account to rub two nickels together (because pennies almost don’t exist anymore), but at least I don’t live in a house that has the pressure of having enough Christmas Lights to compete on the TV show The Great Christmas Light Fight. I’m also not obligated to have a full haunted house, or pass out full-sized candy bars. I’m not obligated to host Thanksgiving every year, because my house is the only one that can fit 150 relatively relative relatives for dinner.

Most of all, I’m glad I don’t have to fight off all kinds of attention from girls, more specifically gold diggers. You know, those girls that like to go to California and use axes to find gold in the ground?

I understand that with money there always come strings. I’m glad I don’t have enough to gain anyone’s attraction.

Take that, rich guys. By the sheer presence of having money in your bank account, you have the blessing or curse of attention. If you love attention, more power to you. But if you are like me and billions of people that just want to be left alone, we have the advantage of none of that attention, because of our lack of riches. No pressures of having to donate, no pressures of fighting off gold diggers, no pressure of running companies, being good at sports, or fighting off long lost relatives, or even buying full sized candy bars for Halloween.

I’m just an invisible, attention-avoiding money lacking person people that just wants sit on my couch anonymously. Suck it.

Speaking of things that suck, here are the Bitter Friday Giftures of the week…

I’ve spent way too much time…

There was the Go Fund Me…

There was the attempted land grab…

And of course…

While there are one or two reasons why…

I finally realized that money…

A string called…

That money gains the attention…

That money gains the attention…

That money attracts the attention…

It gains the attention of…

And it gains the attention…

Sorry, I meant this kind…

So I realized that I’m glad I’m not rich…

ARRRRGGGGHHHH

Bitter the nice thing about not being rich Ben