Hey Bitter Gang! (I realized that I haven’t named my followers with a clever moniker yet)! Like most American’s, I’ve decided to take tomorrow, which is a Friday, off of work. It’s not because I want to, because Friday’s are typically the best day of work, because I usually spend the first few hours writing hilarious bitter posts and then putting Bitter Friday Giftures at the bottom of it. Also, I believe they will lock me out, so even if I wanted to come in, I think I would have to break in.

As you know, this puts a damper on my Bitter Blogging, because as you know, I almost exclusively do my posts on Friday, not only because it’s the best day to slack on, but because doing a Bitter Friday Gifture post on a Thursday or a Saturday wouldn’t make much sense.

Some of you might know why I’m taking tomorrow off, because you are American. We celebrate the blowing up of the Brits in our search for independence, by blowing up our country and starting fires. It’s because we are like children and we can’t be trusted with a little bit of independence, or fireworks.

In fact, when I was kid growing up in South Dakota, we would go buy fireworks, mostly bottle rockets and shoot off dozens of them on the days leading up to the holiday. The only reason why I know what a gross is (other than what onions are in a sandwich), is because we used to buy bottle rockets in a gross (144 bottle rockets). I found it funny that most other places in the country outlawed fireworks, because in my town in South Dakota they didn’t. I remember freaking out once when a cop drove down our street while we were lighting fireworks and I thought he was going to arrest me and haul me off to jail. Not only did he not, but he smiled as I accidentally shot a bottle rocket into the tailpipe of his car and blew it up.

Like I said, lighting fireworks off in our town wasn’t illegal.

Now that I’m older, I feel like it is time for me to celebrate my dependence. Right now, I’m weighed down by two very heavy dependence who are 20 and 17 years old. Pretty much since they were born, they’ve been depending on me to feed them, clothe them, and they’ve been embezzling almost every dollar I’ve ever made. I’m ready to play my reverse uno card on them right now.

It’s time for dear old dad to start getting the king treatment instead of being the money man for so long. Instead of working for these little cretins, it’s time for papa to get his bag, while the young ones started earning. My goal in the next few years is to get my daughter to be a strong, independent woman that marries rich, and most important, marries a rich man that wants to provide for his in laws.

My other goal involves my son getting a massive NIL deal (Name, Image, License) that all these college athletes are getting. While he is out athleting, me and Mrs. Bitter will be holding down the fort and making sure that Jeeve’s or Alfred are bringing us drinks by the pool, while I’m busy writing my next novel.

I’m ready for the Fourth of July to be Dependence Day.

So, sorry I won’t be doing a Bitter Friday Giftures tomorrow, so Bitter Thursday Giftures are just going to have to suffice.

I’m taking off tomorrow…

Instead, you’re getting…

The problem is that our country…

So we decided to blow stuff up…

So I’ve been locked out of the building…

Instead of celebrating my independence…

I’m playing my reverse uno card…

Just wait until they see how it is…

And I’m sitting by the pool…

Dependence day is going to be…

But one can…

ARRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Dependence Day Ben