Identity Theft is Not a Bitter Joke

Jim Halpert is my prankster idol. For 9 seasons, he spent most of his free time at work (and even extensive time after work), coming up with devious pranks to get Dwight back for being a stickler to rules or whatever.

One of my favorite ones, was when Jim found a pair of Dwight glasses at the thrift store, and saw that he could complete the rest of the ensemble for $11. He totally became Dwight. The best part was Dwight didn’t figure out until the end that Jim was trying to be Dwight. At that point, he said, “Jim, identity theft isn’t a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year!”

Identity theft walks into a bar, and says, “Wow that really hurt!” Why did identity theft cross the playground? To get to the other slide. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Identity theft? Identity theft who? Orange you glad you weren’t identity theft? Dwight was wrong. Identity theft is a joke. Just not a funny one.

Identity theft is a lot of things. Identity theft is a joke, and it is devastating to millions of families every year. But identity theft is not a lot of things either.

Identity theft cannot dance. It may have entered Dancing with the Stars, but it went out in the first round. Identity theft may have been in So You Think you Can Dance, but it suffered multiple fractures in its foot before it made it to the second dance. Sure, Identity theft was in Lip-Sync Battle and nailed the lip-sync part, but utterly failed in the dancing part. It was really kind of embarrassing how identity theft fell down while competing against Mail Fraud.

Identity theft is terrible at doing taxes. In 2016, Identity theft did hundreds of tax returns and just about every one that he did, the person owed money to the government.  The only people that got money back were billionaires who already had billions of dollars.

Identity theft can’t sing. Identity theft got into a carpool with James Cordon and put on the radio, and he broke things. Not only did he break the radio, but he also broke the windows with his high pitched voice, and James Cordon’s and the audiences heart.

Identity theft can’t prank. Actually Identity theft isn’t half bad at pranking. It is all the way bad. Like once he tried to dress up as Dwight, and ended up looking like Pam. Another time, he drove all the way to New York for a party, only to realize that the party was an online party and he almost missed it. Identity theft even tried to put Dwight’s desk in the bathroom and ended up putting it in Dwight’s original spot instead.

Worst of all, Identity theft isn’t even good at Identity theft. One time he pretended to be this motorcycle gang guy, but he ended up naming himself Rainbow Bright. Another time, he tried to be an international spy but everytime he talked to someone he would tell them the he was a spy for a living.  And the best was when he tried to Identity thief someone that was broke and had terrible credit. So he ended up in way more debt than he could ever pay back and now he is stuck at a terrible low paying job, living in an apartment in NYC that he can’t afford and creditors are calling him day and night for money.

So, you see, Dwight was wrong about identity theft. He is definitely a joke, and actually kind of bitter at the same time.


Bitter Identity Thief Ben

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