You know how when you are at the office and you are playing work Dodgeball by trying to avoid co-workers at all costs? But the moment you need them they are not around? Probably because you avoid them at all costs and they don’t want to be around you, but that’s besides the point?
Well, you know how you can make this Hunt for the Red October more frustrating and bitter?
That’s right. You make a game out of it. Or more specifically a Scavenger Hunt.
You know what I’m talking about right? That game you played when you were a kid where they gave you a clue (like you’ve ever had one) and you start a quest on finding the final prize which was hopefully a pot of gold doubloons, but probably ended up being one of those chocolate coins wrapped in gold foil? Chocolate may be a good concession prize, but when you were expecting a billion dollars worth of gold and you get a piece of chocolate, kind of disappointing.
So let’s play the world’s worst game of Tug of War with a customer. Your side is pulling for the “Keep the call as short as possible and with as little to do as possible after the call” and your customer is pulling for the “I need to drain your company dry and I won’t get off the phone until I get everything I want.” Fortunately, you have the strongman anchor of “I don’t have the authority to approve of that” guy on your side. But the customer has the “Let me get your name and number so I can know who to call back when this doesn’t happen” guy anchoring his side. You do your best to suspend the voice to voice battle, but then the real struggle begins with your first clue.
“The person you must speak to is a person without a clue not only in life, but for you either.” Easy! My supervisor!
So you go to your supervisor’s and they are not in their office. Of course. They are gone today, so that won’t help. But while you are in their office you spot a piece of paper sticking out from under their keyboard. The piece of paper says, “To Hansel and Gretel your helper, Chanel your inner strength.”
Hmmm, what could this clue mean? Hansel and Gretel followed a trail right? And how did they do it? Breadcrumbs. But it said channel your strength. No, wait a minute. It said Chanel. What is Chanel? I’ll look it up on Google. Oh duh. It’s perfume. Oh I get it. I’m supposed to follow the trail of perfume to find my next person. And we all know who that is. Your bosses boss. The one that wears waaay more than they should. Got it. To the next office.
She isn’t there. Of course. Because it’s before 10 o’clock. Shoot. The trail is running cold. If I don’t get something back to my customer soon, they are going to keep calling. Perhaps there is a clue in here. I look up on her computer and see spreadsheets. Many spreadsheets. Along the bottom, I see a bunch of tabs. And they seem to be forming words. “Ware in the world is Carmen San Diego’s house?” it says in consecutive tabs. Maybe this is a clue? Well, duh. I mean this paragraph is almost over and we need a clue.
Right away I notice the word Ware is spelled wrong in this context. What could that mean? And Carmen San Diego? What does she have to do with anything? Well, she is the elusive world traveler that no one can seem to catch. That reminds me of this chase I’m going through right now. But it never talks about her house. That seems out of place. Maybe…we could…combine the two out of place words? House-wares. No, we don’t have a housewares department. Oh my gosh, duh! Warehouse! To the warehouse! Let’s see if we can penetrate the impenetrable dungeon!
Several floors below the surface of the earth, uh, I mean the second floor, I approach the warehouse door. It is way cooler down here. I should have brought a jacket. But I can’t think about that now. I must get the elusive information to my customer or it will be too late. I take the large gargoyle shaped knocker in my hand and knock three times. Moments later, a large bearded fellow pulls the fortress door open a crack. “Password?” I don’t know. What is the password? “Um, Carmen San Diego?” “That is incorrect.”
I think for a moment longer. “Is it ‘I need to speak to the supervisor about an order?'” A long pause and the door opens slightly bigger. “That is correct….However, our lunch just started 3 seconds ago, so you are out of luck.” Dejectedly, I put my head down. My quest keeps running into dead ends. Certain doom awaits. Until, another clue slides under the door. “Making it rain, by spreading the sheets.”
Uh, what? So I’m supposed to find a weather man by making my bed? How is that going to help? We don’t have a weather department. And even if we did, they couldn’t make it rain. But people that make money, make it rain. And spreading sheets isn’t a bed. It’s a spreadsheet. Got it. So money and spreadsheets? Oooh, my gosh the accounting department.
I go try to find the accounting trolls, but they are in a meeting. There is no clue. I walk back to my desk ready to accept defeat in the Tug of War. I call the customer back. “I’m sorry, but my epic quest to find anyone has failed. I will keep trying and call you back when I find something.”
Kind of sheepishly the customer says, “Oh don’t worry about it. We got the package right here. It was just under our desk the whole time. Thanks for looking into it.”
AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH
Bitter Scavenge the Heck out of your Face Ben
Wait, there’s people who aren’t hoping for a bunch of chocolate coins?
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I know right? Some weirdos actually want gold coins that are real gold. Like those are very tasty.
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Sounds kind of like shopping… salespeople flock to you and offer help when you don’t need any. As soon as you DO need help, you can’t find a soul. Bitter Ben’s Law, I guess. 🙂
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Yes, that is Bitter Ben’s Law. I’ve only very rarely needed a salesperson and they always let me down in that aspect.
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Smiling
Hmmm, what could this clue mean? Hansel and Gretel followed a trail right? And how did they do it? Breadcrumbs. But it said channel your strength. No, wait a minute. It said Chanel. What is Chanel? I’ll look it up on Google. Oh duh. It’s perfume. Oh I get it. I’m supposed to follow the trail of perfume to find my next person. And we all know who that is. Your bosses boss. The one that wears waaay more than they should. Got it. To the next office.”
Wow!
It was a perfume!
Ben, wat a humour!
Wonderful
Have a nyc weekend
–Jyotee
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I think every office has one of those girls that wears just a little too much and it leaves a trail to be followed.
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I see : ))
Smiling
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This is why I won’t do any job that requires me to use a phone.
(… am bitterly unemployed)
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I don’t know what is worse, bitterly talking on the phone at work or being bitterly unemployed. (I actually do. It’s the phone.)
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Gee, Ben, I didn’t know you work the same place I used to work. How is everyone… still working at not working?
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Yeah, your former workplace is still just as bad when you left it. We are still trying to pick up the pieces from all the work you did…
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aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
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Tell me about it. But it was more like ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH. You can’t forget the G’s.
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Amen.
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But think, you were paid by the hour to waste all that time going on an adventurous treasure hunt. Oh no, don’t tell me you’re salaried.
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I wish I was paid a salary…that was way more than I deserved. It’s pretty sad that I have to chase that many people down to get an answer.
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I like this idea, using your imagination to turn mind-numbing office frustrations into an epic game.
Also, I played the original Carmen San Diego computer game when I was a kid and loved it. I’m older than I appear.
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I wish it was my imagination. This kind of stuff happens all the time when I’m on the phones. I need an answer for a customer and no one is around so I have to search the building to find an answer and no one has it or is around. And then I will call back and the customer has what they need. Life imitating art or something bitter like that.
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always hilarious! lol
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Thanks, Mamalisa!
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Sounds like a great game! We used to play balloon tennis over the desks at work and send messages by paper aeroplane. I’m sure if they ever move the filing cabinets they’ll find tons of crashed planes with messages like “Call the boss asap”
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Sounds like you had co-workers that you actually got along with. That kind of thing would shock me. I can’t imagine playing balloon tennis with my co-workers. They wouldn’t know what to do.
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My co-workers were great (well most of them!) best game ever was the time we made telephones out of plastic cups and string… Childish??? Us??? Never!
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You are pretty lucky. I think that is the dream to have co-workers that you can actually stand to be around since you are with them more than your family. That might be why you are not as bitter as me.
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Imagine that! Clueless co-workers. Who’d of thought such a thing could happen to you, Bitter Ben? Great story, that sadly rings true.
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I know right? Why would you ever expect me to have clueless co-workers?
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You should have probably tried Blues Clues. It’s always in the mail over there.
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I’m more of an email guy. Going to the mailbox is way too much work.
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