I am a huge fan of Community. Not the people in my community, or going to community events or community gatherings. That requires people skills and being a grown up, both skills which I choose not to have. I’m talking about the former NBC show that was so highly rated that it became a Yahoo Screen show (yes, you know the Yahoo equivalent Netflix or Hulu, except no one has heard of it). The show that is about people that are so sarcastic and bitter that only the elite bitter among us get it. Jeff Winger is the like the richer, more handsome, funnier, smarter version of me. He cares not what you think and just wants people to leave him alone.
Other than Jeff, my favorite character is Troy Barnes, the other half of the best friend combo of Troy and Abed. He is naive, funny and in one episode has a falling out with Abed so intense that it has to be settled on the battleground of the Pillow Forties vs. and Blanket Forties. (Who said the Fourties were so bad?) In real life, he is played by Donald Glover, who also plays a rapper called Childish Gambino, which he came up with using, no lie(according to Wikipedia, which does not lie), a Wu-Tang Clan name generator. I should probably change my name using that thing, when I get a chance to see what it is.
One of titles of Childish Gambino’s songs, is Life: The Biggest Troll. I know it was a stretch to get here by this long intro, but here we are. The internet has created things that never could have been conceived of, but internet trolls are one of the worst. But without the internet, these trolls would still exist. Just in real life.
Here are just a few that I will share with you. Then at the end of class, you can comment and tell me your favorite internet trolls that have invaded your real life.
First graders – How in the heck did these guys become smarter than me? Not at math, because I could totally destroy them at long division, but in real world useful things, like knowing who the internet trolls are. I asked my first grader last night what a troll was and he educated me on the subject like he had written his master’s thesis on it. He sited examples, “Well, there in Minecraft there is M3rkMUS1c40 and there is GBTRollSkillz. They are always spawning Zombies, and pushing people off tall buildings.” Me: “Oh yeah. So you’ve seen that on YouTube.com?” and he’s like, “Dad, you don’t have to call it YouTube.com, just YouTube.” Well, he taught me.
Birds – Okay dude. Birds. You know they have places to poop just like us, right? Birdbaths, forests, other places that aren’t me. You know they can control when they do it right? Just like we can? Yet, on an almost daily basis they leave it on my car. Or on my lawn. Or on my face. Not all birds do it, just the troll birds. And talk about show offs when it comes to flying. They sit there in the road, right in from of our cars, making us think that we are going to hit them, so we hit the brakes, just before we hit them, and then they fly off at the last second like they don’t have a care in the world.
The DMV – They know you need a license in order to drive your beat up stupid car. They know that the only day you can get your license is on Saturday. They know that you like to sleep in on Saturday. So they set up the DMV like a Black Friday sale, but without the chance of a stupidly low price on a TV, or a six pack of socks. The only prize is waiting with other bitter people just like yourself who waited until the last minute. They give the least amount of customer service possible, because what are you going to do? Get them fired? They work for the government, and they hold a really bad picture with your most important document in their hands. Don’t mess with these trolls.
Troll Bridges – Some people call them Toll Bridges, but honestly a troll probably does live under there and well, he demands to be paid. They say it is for the necessary construction so the bridge doesn’t collapse into the sea, but those were supposed to be paid for by that gas tax increase we paid years ago. And also that food tax we paid for the year before and the tax on our cars and the tax on our houses. I guess they just gave all that money to the troll under the bridge. So he could make Troll House Cookies?
Nestles Troll House Cookies – I used to think these tasted good, until I heard they were made by the trolls under the bridge and those aren’t really chocolate chips.
Lay’s Potato chips – According to the press release they made a while ago, “Bet you can’t just eat one.” Maybe that was true a while ago, when they just had the regular flavor. But then they did a contest called Do us a Flavor, where people got to submit their favorites and then they actually used them. They are totally trolling us with flavors like Wasabi Ginger (a Wasabi without a soul I guess), Cappuccino and Chicken and Waffles. Yes, I can just eat one of those.
Alright, your turn. What are some internet trolls that came to life for you?
ARRRRGGGHHHH
Bitterly Trolled Ben
Unbelievable.
LikeLike
I think trolls are a little believable.
LikeLike
Is that so?
LikeLike
Yes.
LikeLike
If so, which trolls do you mean?
LikeLike
The ones underneath the internet.
LikeLike
Once upon a time, one of my boyfriends broke up with me while we sat together outside of a coffee shop. Just as he began his breakup speech, a troll bird flew over us and pooped on his leg. It was epic. And the one time I appreciated – nay, loved – troll birds. Go birds.
LikeLike
That is epic. The bird could sense the mean man breaking up with you and decided he wasn’t allowed to get away scott free. Worst decision of his life! I’m sure he wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
LikeLike
It’s true. Even the troll birds were appalled by the meanness radiating off of the mean man!
LikeLike
Was it a mockingbird? Cause that would have been even funnier.
LikeLike
Sadly, no. Just a crow.
LikeLike
Well, maybe he needed to eat a little crow anyways.
LikeLiked by 1 person
A troll bird crapped on the shoulder of one of my jerk ex-boyfriends too. I laughed, ex didn’t. Bird and I shared a high five.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That is funny cause another of the people that read this blog said the same thing. I guess birds have radar for jerk ex-boyfriends. Come to think of it, I’ve been crapped on by a lot of birds…
LikeLike
Troll birds?
LikeLike
Well, there is Grape Nuts (third oldest cereal still in production…tastes like it, too). They aren’t made with grapes…or nuts. I chipped my tooth eating them as a child. In some countries (so I’m told), people are made to eat Grape Nuts as punishment for shoplifting. Grandma uses a big box of it to de-ice her driveway.
LikeLike
Ah Grape Nuts. The cereal that even dumping a bunch of sugar on couldn’t save. At least Corn Flakes felt like Frosted Flakes when you put enough sugar on them.
LikeLike
Able bodied people who walk slowly on crowded sidewalks! They make me internally scream.
LikeLike
Or even people with broken legs who walk to slow. And kids who can walk but refuse.
LikeLike
Being a blogger gives me the right and privelage to be the best Internet troll I know. I love telling people their band sucks from under my bridge waiting for Billy goats to walk by.
LikeLike
You got that right. It sounds like a good night to go sit under the internet bridge and troll mock some people!
LikeLike
I loved the comment by Jessie Reyna. She got it right with the ALL CAPS but real trolls would have misspelled every other word, and there would be no punctuation marks.
I got trolled by a bird today. Every time I came to a stop, it started to fly, and just as soon as I accelerated, it landed back on the ground again. I thought it was hurt but it was just trying to mess with me.
LikeLike
Yeah, Jessie scared the crap out of me. She totally trolled me. I thought I was getting raked over the coals by one of the nicest bloggers I know. I thought I crossed the line. I think she got me even better than I got most people on April Fools Day.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I thought the exact same thing when I first started reading her comment. She’s gained a new follower in me. In fact, I’m currently stalking her blog.
LikeLike
Well, I’m glad I could introduce you guys. Jessie is a fantastic blogger and person.
LikeLiked by 1 person
These were funny, and I love Community! I swear, no lie, I saw a Fat Neil doppleganger yesterday who was playing dungeons and dragons. I can’t think of any other trolls at the moment, I’ve still got the ones you’ve listed in my mind!
LikeLike
No way! Fat Neil was totally the focus in that Dungeons and Dragons episode! You should have totally filmed it. Were a bunch of dopplegangers sitting around a table playing with him? Please tell me a fake Abed and Fake Troy were doing a Fake Abed and Troy in the morning.
LikeLiked by 1 person
My roommate from LA and I love Troy and Abed! That D&D episode was one of our favorites. I didn’t see any other dopplegangers, but I was really just focused on the Fat Neil that I found haha
LikeLike
Is that swanky city LA or your favorite state bad driver state LA? I remember the episode when Troy left as one of my saddest days ever. Even worse than the day I lost my wallet.
LikeLiked by 1 person
SEE? Louisiana is so horrible, it tries to pass for Los Angeles just to throw people off. It was Louisiana. Speaking of wallets, mine was stolen in Louisiana… add that to the list.
LikeLike
I’ve never been to LA (Louisiana) so I can’t judge, but I will anyways. I can’t stand that place. Because for some reason, Nicolas Cage keeps wanting to film there and all his films are so bad. And yeah, my wallet was stolen there too. It was actually Cincinnati, but I’m sure the guy that stole it was from LA.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Haha I’m glad you made the connection to LA in regard to your wallet. Yeah, apparently it’s cheap to film in LA or they get a tax break of something? Who gets the tax break? I’m not sure. Maybe the people filming or the state. You see signs for films all the time
LikeLike
Yeah, I think they came all the way up to Cincinnati just to steal it. Because they would rather do that than work for it.
I think LA was so desperate for the money that they would even take Nic Cage on for a few months.
LikeLike
Let’s get this outta the way right outta the chute: My Wu-Tang name is “Gentleman Killah”.
Apparently, my troll of choice are crazy whackadoo’s that come in looking for an apartment knowing full-well that they aren’t getting approved because they are looking riiiiiiiiight about the same time each month – and that time is when their CURRENT landlord is kicking them out for non-payment of rent. Sunzabitches.
LikeLike
Now that you made me do it, from this day forward am known as Unlucky Conqueror. Of course, I would be unlucky. Shocked that I wasn’t Bitter Conqueror. It just would seem…
LikeLike
You hit it on the head with the DMV!!! Hilarious!
LikeLike
I’d like to hit one of the DMV on the head.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I thought I was one. But after reading this I’m bitter that I’m not.
LikeLike
You need to work a little harder at being a terrible commenter if you want to be a troll. Give me the terrible stuff!
LikeLike
I seem to have misplaced my grindstone somewhere. I’ll have to get back to you Ben as soon as I find it.
LikeLike
We have plenty of those in the BEN offices. Just make sure to bring something to grind it on.
LikeLiked by 1 person
THIS IS AN EXTREMEMLY SEXIST BLOG POST, I CAN’T EVEN. WHY IS THAT MAIN CHARACTER OF THE TV SHOW A MALE!? IT SHOULD BE A FEMALE BECAUSE WE ARE SMARTER. WE CAN HANDLE JUST AS MUCH AS ANY MAN. THERE ARE FAR TOO MANY MEN ON THAT SHOW. I OBJECT. AND CALLING A FLAVOR WASBABI GINGER IS RACIST.
^^^the worst kind of trolls.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I gotta say, you almost gave me a heart attach with your inflammatory remark. I almost thought you were being real. You got me good. That would have been a great April Fools comment.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I do what I can haha
LikeLike
Yeah. Maybe at a later date I will get to write a post from the hospital after my heart attack.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Community is the best!
LikeLike
Yep. My favorite was the pillow vs. blanket forts. So much fun.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Troy and Abed in the morning is always good too! I saw Joel McHale do stand up a few years back, very funny, cool guy!
LikeLike
Troy and Abed was pretty awesome. I really liked the GI Joe one too. Joel McHale is from Seattle and even played football for University of WAshington so he has roots here. I would love to go to one of his shows.
LikeLiked by 1 person
All the people who park in my apartment’s parking lot who don’t live here, forcing me to park in the street. No, wait. They’re just jerks.
LikeLike
It’s almost like they live under the apartment complex and stalk the spots as soon as you leave. They should give you personalized spots.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Seriously. I would be thrilled with that situation. Or allowing me to throw eggs at cars that shouldn’t be there. Not picky.
LikeLike
As long as the eggs are rotten and it gives them that new egg on the car smell, you should definitely do it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Just for the record, I am a stalker, not a troll.;)
The other day somebody accused the IRS of being a troll. It gave me a chuckle because yes indeed, they are trolls, of the big and bad variety. No matter how awesome it would be, you cannot simply label them a troll and declare, “I don’t respond to trolls.” That is sure to give you something else to be bitter about.
LikeLike
The IRS is a good one. They keep telling us that they need money from us just because we were born and that if we don’t give them all this money they will send us to jail, which will cost money, so we will need more money.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think it’s that Bitter Ben guy troll. I just spent like 5 minutes reading his inane blog and now he wants me to come up with an internet troll that bothers me in real life. Like I have time to come up with something funny and clever. Come on, I have my own blog to write.
LikeLike
The internet troll under the bridge is slightly less bitter than me and not near as annoying. You’d probably like him quite a bit. Especially after having worked for me for so long.
LikeLike
Oh , I must meet him…and annoy him to death as well!
LikeLike
I’m surprised you haven’t met him yet. He is the troll that work in accounting at BEN. Though he doesn’t do much like the rest of us, because we don’t make any money.
LikeLike
Oh yeah, well I never went up to the second floor.
LikeLike
Yeah, I’ve never even been to the second floor. That place is full of crazies.
LikeLike
I know what you mean! Who does the hiring around there?
LikeLike
Not sure. I thought I hired someone to do the hiring but I’m not sure who. I guess the doorman?
LikeLike
Oh yeah but I think he got upset because you weren’t even paying him to be the doorman.
LikeLike
Like any of us get paid either.
LikeLike
True!
LikeLike
When you start making me profitable, then I will start getting money. And you will still be allowed to work for me.
LikeLike
Bitter Ben, you are a true humanitarian!
LikeLike
I’m more of a bitteratarian.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on Human Interest.
LikeLike