When I went to college, I dreamed that my degree would propel me to a career in copywriting at a prestigous advertising firm. I would create campaigns for the coolest brands and companies like Nike. What I realized is that my degree forgot to get me any skills. When you don’t have any skills employers rarely care if you have a degree. I knew I didn’t want to go to Hollywood, because I had never been in a play that I wasn’t forced to do. I also sucked at memorizing things. I couldn’t even memorize the Pledge of Allegiance.
The only reason I would ever though of going to Hollywood was to write terrible scripts for Lifetime movies. I mean with movies like ‘A Boyfriend for Christmas’ and ‘Deadly Honeymoon’ why wouldn’t there be room in Hollywood for a F list writer like me? Anyways, I’ve been too lazy to write them any of my sample scripts like ‘A Bitter Christmas Sled’, so I had just given up on my hope to ever fail in Hollywood.
Then on Friday I realized that there was a huge void in Hollywood. For all these action films they have stunt people. They need someone to step in the place of Bruce Willis and all these other action stars, so these action stars can sip their $1000 water in their trailers and memorize their lines.
Anyways, I’ve decided that Hollywood actors also have to stay trim and fit so they can accidentally take their shirts off and show off their abs. But how are they going to do all that when they have to eat all these things from craft services? Well, that is where me and a growing list of Stunt eaters come in. Whenever an actor needs to do a scene where they need to eat pizza or a donut, they swap big old me in there and I take one for the team. I eat their chicken wings, their eclairs, and their bagels, so they don’t have to.
I know it won’t be easy for a lazy guy like me, but when Tom Cruise, an aging actor who is older than me needs to look fat and eat like a pig, and can keep slender like he is, he gives me a call and lets me eat all the jerky, and stake while he keeps eating his kale and protein shakes.
The eating can even extend off set of he wants it to. I can laze around the craft services for him, while he eats his lettuce and carrot sticks in front of the press. I know there is a market for that, and I’m ready to fill in.
I’m finally going to Hollywood my friends! Look for me on the red carpet right behind Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks eating their pizza rolls and divine deserts while they look fit and trim. I will make them look good while getting paid!
It’s a bitter job, but someone bitter has to do it.
Bitter Stunt Eater Ben