The Great American Indoors

Fun little ditch in our backyard.

Fun little ditch in our backyard.

Raise your hand if you’ve been seeing the previews for the upcoming comedy disaster movie staring the Rock and some other people, and based on Grand Theft Auto, San Andreas? OH, you means its already out? Well, little known fact. I grew up in California, in Pasadena, not far from the Rose Parade and was born in a hospital right near a horse race track.  Though my parents would deny being hippies in the 70’s, I think I might have been because apparently I ran around in sandals a lot.  ONLY sandals.  We also had a really awesome water ditch thing in our backyard that we liked to play around in when it got particularly hot in the summertime.  I later found out this little water ditch thing was called the San Andreas fault and that some day in the near future, it would be the star of a disaster movie staring a Rock.  Cool.  That could have been me getting swallowed in a giant earthquake.  I could have been the star of a 53 million opening weekend blockbuster!

Instead, we bitterly moved not long after that, and I was deprived of a natural disaster happening in our back yard.  The worst part though, was that I wasn’t a little older and hadn’t gained the appreciation for a bad pun. Had I been older, and been in trouble outside that San Andreas house, I could have said, “It wasn’t me, mom.  It was San Andreas’ fault.” What that San Andreas house didn’t teach me was the appreciation for The Great American Outdoors. I was deprived of the outdoor experience.  As a lifelong indoorsman, I’ve had people tell me all about this “outdoor” thing and I’ve gotta say, I’ve really missed out. Take it from some random outdoorspeople I talked to about their amazing outdoor experiences.

Ugghh, how do I deal?

Ugghh, how do I deal?

“There’s just nothing like the fresh air you can get by being in nature.” Harriet Hippy – You’re right. All we have on the indoor front is this thing called air conditioning. Sometimes the air conditioning goes a degree cooler and we have to fight our way through the cold.  But you outdoorspeople have it so much easier of a time freezing to death. If you want to freeze to death, you can stay outside, you can freeze in your tents, you can even freeze right next to the fire.

“There’s nothing like a meal cooked over a campfire, or a portable propane stove.” Otto Outdoorsperson  – Well, us indoor people have to use a stove or a microwave.  We can burn our food too, but there’s nothing like the scent of food burning outdoors. Though sometimes the microwave actually accidentally cooks our food just right.  But we can’t suffer from getting all the smoke in our eyes like you, Otto.

Yeah, sounds like you have such breathtaking views outside.

Yeah, sounds like you have such breathtaking views outside.

“The views in nature are spectacular and take my breath away.” Ned the Naturist – Yeah, we really have nothing like nature.  We just have you seen this nature demo on our 88 inch curved screen Ultra HD 4K TV’s that has spectacular views of mountains and forests and natural phenomenon all over the globe.  You guys have that one view that only takes a whole day hike in rainy, cloudy, mustiness. And maybe you forgot your glasses and you were attacked by a bear on your way there.  At least your breath was taken away.  Mostly from all that hiking.

“There’s nothing like setting up a tent that protects you from the elements for the night.”  – Fred Forager – It is true, the Insidist has nothing like a tent to protect them from the elements. Just these four walls with insulation, a waterproof roof, and a blanket fort interconnected with another pillow fort that runs throughout the house.  How do we ever make it through the night?

“The sounds of nature always helps me sleep so much better.” – Nancy Naturesound – You are right, having the symphonic sounds of bears and cougars growling, wolves howling, raccoons snarling, moose grunting, and leopards quietly stalking must always make it easier to sleep at night. All we have are the sounds of Dolby 7.0 surround playing the sounds of silence to help us sleep.

“There’s nothing like the excitement of telling stories with friends around a crackling fire.” Samantha Social – Yes, talking to other people is just so fun! Us insidaficianados have to deal with all the stupid silence of not talking to other people and we don’t get to hear the same stupid lame jokes, from the same stupid people with the same stupid terribly unscary stories.  We have to be tortured inside and have to sit around a horribly uncomfortable couch, and have to deal with sitting around the warm glow of Netflix playing on our laptops.  It is the worst.


See how we can stay up all night for a sunset? 

“My body feels refreshed when I’m outside roughing it.” – Elaine Essential Oil – Yeah, you’re right.  My body just feels so nourished and clean from all those showers I take and they just don’t feel right not having mosquitos bites to itch and scratch and my nails just don’t feel right being so free from all that dirt.  And my hair just doesn’t feel right when it’s not flaky and dry.

Thank you random people of nature for convincing me that going outside is so awesome.  As soon as I finish the internet, I will be right out.


Bitter Indoorsman Ben



32 thoughts on “The Great American Indoors

  1. Heloooo!! I have a tag I thought you could have some fun with. It’s a love vs hate. So I tagged you in. If it’s not your #cupoftea *Lol* no worries! 🙂


  2. Does it still count if I watch Netflix on my iPad while outdoors (on my porch swing, where I still get a good wifi signal)?


  3. That race track is about 5 miles east of the hospital you were born in, but I guess that qualifies as being bitterly close. Your brother and your sister were born in a hospital much bitterly close to the race track.


  4. While I’ve encountered all of these types, Fred Forager is the one who always gripes my grits. We have houses for good reasons, yet Fred never seems to be able to grasp that concept. He’s probably more dim-witted than most, after inhaling all those fumes that his manufactured tent fabric gives off while he’s sleeping in it. Tents are out to get you. I’m sure of it.


  5. Ok, so I was very excited for the San Andreas movie. I acted like a tourist even though I’ve been living here for a year. It wasn’t bad. Not terribly scary, but not horrible like 2012 was. Also, I pretend that I like nature and encourage hikes and what not, and then I instantly regret it as a hornet flies straight into my face.


Your Bitter Comments

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.