I was reading the post of a fellow blogger, Alanna, a couple of weeks ago and she wrote a short post about what she would do if she ruled the world. Of course, I thought it was a great idea for a post so I am stealing it because I don’t have any original thought. I thought it was appropriate to take over the world as it is kind of a bitter place, but not bitter enough. This isn’t a comprehensive list, because I’m not that organized, but things will be added later. For now, here are the things I will implement right away.
First things first. My face will be the international symbol of run. Caution, danger, run for the hills. If there is a disaster waiting to happen or has happened, post the international symbol of bitterness.
The cloud will be a place where I store all my bitter thoughts until it gets so full, it will rain down bitterness enough to cover the whole earth.
Phones would be banned as a form of communication. You can carry around a smart computer that does everything else, but there will be no phones. Text, speak face to face, Skype, or Facetime, or invent something else that takes the place of phones, but they are banned forever in the Bitter World.
You can be rich and famous, but if you are a jerk about it, I will send you to be with other jerks to Rich People jail in the bottom of Antarctica, where Wi-fi doesn’t work and your money is no good.
Job interviews and layoffs are a thing of the past. If you know what you want to do and you can explain it to someone in clear manner and you and the employer agree that you would be a good fit, fine. But if you are an introvert and you can’t stand to talk to people about what you are good at, you are allowed to get a brain scan that will show all the employers what you are good at, and they will be able to come find you. No scraping for jobs if you want one. You can work from home if you want, or get a bonus to work at the office.
This one is for me. My weak pathetic limbs like my knees, shoulders, feet and hips are to be replaced by far superior robotic technology. That way if I am sore, instead of taking 2 Aleve’s, I just get some Wd-40 and I’m good. I want to be able run, jump, and dunk at the age of 85.
One language for goodness sake. The dictionary will not have all these freaky unnecessary words that no one uses. Just like the clothes in our closets, if no one has used a word in over a year, it’s gone from the bitter dictionary. And if we find a cool combo word that makes sense, like snarcasm, add it to the mix. But if it becomes so tired that they are starting to name shows after it, like Selfie, or no one knows what it really means even after consulting the Urban Dictionary, it’s out. If you don’t like it, you can go to helfie.
Everyone is born with BS meters. When they get full for the occasion (work, party, watching football commentators) you are free to leave the conversation immediately and without question, or stay in it for entertainment value. For goodness sake, you should only have to take so much crap.
Fame won’t be determined by how well you dribble, throw, or hit a ball. It won’t be determined how well you screw up laws in a country or how well you perform in front of a camera. It won’t be about how rich you are, but how good you are at grinding out a 9-5 for 50 years, or how you stay in marriage for 50 years, or how good you are at showing up when you say you will be there. Cameras will be outside capturing a guy that worked for an entire year without getting sick or a kid that stood up to a bully or a person that fought cancer.
They will be a car cool lane. If it has been determined that you have been a good driver (only getting ridiculous speeding tickets cause you couldn’t cry your way out of one) and avoided accidents over a sustained period of time, you get to use the car cool lane. In the car cool lane, there are secret tunnels, warp zones, force fields and you get the use of awesome sports cars and Monster Trucks. There is no bribing, bullying or intimidating your way in this group. It’s only for the good responsible drivers over a long period of time.
A second lane will be for the “crash causers”. The distracted, the excessive speeders, the ones that never learned how to use the breaks or a stick shift, or a mirror or blinker. The ones that break into cars, forget to leave notes when they run into yours, that ones that apply make up or eat breakfast, or text the whole way, or drink while driving. In this lane, the cars are only junkers with big bumpers. It is a no holds barred, bumper car like, speed fest. You can’t hurt the good drivers in the car cool lane (forcefield) or harm the slow lane (also forcefield). Items are reigning down like Mario Kart. Fireballs, boomerangs, blue spiky tortoise shells, banana peels. You can’t drive, then get ready to be with others that can’t drive either.
One last thing before I go to my first legislative meeting. Work weeks will be shorter. That is a must. 4 days max, no crazy overtime, more vacation time, and for goodness sake, more holidays. 6 “official” holidays is not near enough. And by the way, if there is a holiday, it will be a day off. St. Patrick’s Day, Flag Day, Veteran’s Day, Easter. If they are a holiday, we won’t be celebrating those at work.
Alright now I have to go. The world can’t become a bitter place without me.
ARRRRGGGGHHHH
Bitter Ruler Ben
Count on me, send me the absentee ballot.
LikeLike
It’s being lost in the mail as we speak.
LikeLike
You forgot to reduce the wages of everyone in Congress to minimum wage. What were you (not) thinking!
LikeLike
Reduce the wage? Nope. They get no wages. They make the laws for my sheer pleasure. They have to get other jobs to support themselves.
LikeLike
I would live in this world, but only if I got into the car cool lane. And I got to choose a new car every day from the Mario Cart selection, and the theme song played while I drove to work.
LikeLike
The car cool lane is a pretty hard thing to become a member of. Like I said, it can’t be bought, bribed or cajoled into. You simply have to be a good driver. Anndd, I’m not sure cats really drive.
LikeLike
Cats can drive. Any creature that can watch TV upside down and make you feed us just with a stare can also drive. We just need some extra height on those pedals.
LikeLike
All they need is the human start the car, push the gas and shift the gears. Oh and run the breaks. But other than that, they can drive.
LikeLike
Forgot to say something in the other comment.
Have you ever watched The Big Bang Theory? If you have, do you know how Sheldon laughs?
I seriously laughed just like that with the ‘helfie’ thing. (Or close to that, I should say.) Kind of worrisome.
LikeLike
I’ve only watched it a handful of times and never really heard him laugh. It takes a lot for someone to make me laugh. A few comedians and really really sarcastic remarks, or Community. By the way, have you watched Community’s take on Dr. Who? They call it Inspector Spacetime. They hit it pretty heavy the second half of season 3 and even ended up going to an Inspector Spacetime convention that is awesome.
LikeLike
He has the most ridiculous laugh. I love it.
I laugh all the time.
I’ve seen almost every episode of Community, apart from the last two or three (or so). So yep, I know all about Inspector Spacetime, lol.
LikeLike
It would be great if you would share the laugh with me so I knew what it sounded like. Now all I get is Haha, LOL’s or CTM’s or :)’s.
LikeLike
We’ll talk one day, and then you’ll completely understand all the smack-talk I do about it.
We really should actually talk soon(iiiiiish). 🙂
LikeLike
Maybe we’ll be brave enough to do it one day. Understanding the smack-talk, I can’t wait.
LikeLike
I’m just so bad at phone.
LikeLike
I’m not sure if you intended for your bitter world to sound like a super awesome place, but it totally does sound like one.
Not even going to say what would happen if I ruled the world. I think you’re a lot nicer than I am, hahahaha. (Or mwahahahaha, whichever.)
LikeLike
I’m kind of curious what would happen if you ruled the world. Would you go even darker? Now I’m going mad with speculation..
LikeLike
Yeah, I’m not even going to go there. haha
LikeLike
Well maybe someday you will share.
LikeLike
Probably not where anyone could potentially read it. 🙂
LikeLike
I would bitterly cast my vote for you! Cheers to your Bittership reign oh Bitterlord! 😀
Enjoyed this blog post of yours so much that my colleagues think I have gone El Nutso, staring at my PC screen and laughing away! 😀
LikeLike
I’m gonna need you to get your co-workers on board if this thing is going to happen. Get them some Bitter Ben badges and start working on the campaign.
LikeLike
For goodness sake I’m voting for Bitter Ben you’re awesomsause.
LikeLike
A vote for me, is a vote for bitterness!
LikeLike
Do you have any bitter sauce to give away to keep our votes? 😉
LikeLike
I have stack of fat cash (bitter bucks anyways) for you to bribe people with. They are only good at official Bitter Ben related stores though.
LikeLike
Send em over!
LikeLike
Okay I just sent them. You should see them in your bank account right now.
LikeLike
I’m so checking with bitter excitement of course
LikeLike
Did you bank account get a major boost yet? You can buy pizza with that too.
LikeLike
Oh it did! Yummy pizza!
LikeLike
Don’t ever say I didn’t do anything for you.
LikeLike
I won’t ever say you did anything for me don’t worry…
LikeLike
Good my reputation of doing something for someone will remain intact.
LikeLike
Oh yeah it will..pft
LikeLike
I just left a question on your contact page. I hope this one hasn’t been asked like a hundred times. If you wouldn’t mind linking my blog, and my twitter (you have the link) that would be cool.
LikeLike
Ha got it! It hasn’t been asked! This should be fun. Of course I’m happy to link your blog and twitter to it!
LikeLike
I didn’t know what category to put it under, but I’m sure you can figure it out with your blog expertise.
LikeLike
You know I can!
LikeLike
I like the brain scan idea. You do realize it can be used for many situations, not just job interviews. For example, I could monitor my husband’s thoughts. Oh wait a minute; he doesn’t have any!
LikeLike
I think we will leave this kind of thing for commercial use. I don’t want anyone reading too many of my thoughts of there would be lots of bitter rainclouds raining down on the earth.
LikeLike
I thought all your blogs were about how things would be if you ruled the world. Oh well, I still say Bitter Ben for President!
LikeLike
Yeah, my first vote for President. Now for my first bitter disappointment. I don’t have the money for any of these things and the country will get even more bitter starting the day I take office.
LikeLike
I think we have to be creative about this. Who needs money when you have Bitter Ben. May I apply as your campaign manager?
LikeLike
You may apply, but I’m not sure you would want to be that because I would be making all the demands and you would have to make them all happen. It’s probably the worst job ever. But there would be good pay (in Bitter Bucks) and no benefits.
LikeLike
Okay, I’ll take it!
LikeLike
That was an easy sell. I was going to negotiate a house, a car and medical and dental, but if you’re good…
LikeLike
All for the honor of working with Bitter Ben!
LikeLike
No one ever said you didn’t make bad decisions. Bitter luck next time!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I like your version much better. Especially the job thing, the car lanes, and also being able to turn into what I can only assume is some sort of Terminator/Robocop combo? In fact, in my own post (which will probably happen today) I express how my own “B.S. meter” has failed me, and frankly, your bitterness is inspiring. I am starting to hate everyone and everything and it’s nice to see that someone else knows what they’re talking about in that vein.
LikeLike
I like the different car lanes. The car cool lane would be awesome. I just hope that I would qualify. Driving awesome sports cars? Sweet. I can’t wait to see how your B.S. meter works.
LikeLike
Clearly, you’ve put a lot of good, hard, bitter thought into this ruling business. I can only hope it was done on company time. I am inspired.
LikeLike
Yes, I put a lot of thought into the ruling business. It was so exhausting I had to take a nap.
LikeLike
You give a bitter pill and the results are the stomach inflamed and the burn. I have tried to not work. I am retired and that is a bitter pill. So I went back to work at a amusement park where the hardest thing I do is watch kids smile. I am losing my bitterness. And then I get it back when I have a day off. I have turned off my news for it is the crux of bitterness. I therefore banish to the nether zone all bad news, all Congress people and all things that go bump in the night.
LikeLike
I have also tried not to work. Especially when I am at work, and for some reason my bosses don’t really like that.
LikeLike
If one can sleep with the eyes open and stare as if in a deep thought one can pull it off. I operate heavy machinery in my amusement park and no one noticed it.
LikeLike
I try to sleep looking at my computer so it looks like I am working.
LikeLike
You do it well, but you must curb the snoring and drool can cause a computer malfunction.
LikeLike
That must be why I get caught so much. I’m lazy at covering it up.
LikeLike
Awesome, sign me up! We could really use a new alien lizard overlord. World domination, here we come. I’ll fetch the Batmobile;)
LikeLike
So since you are fetching the BitterMobile, would you be the alien lizard version of Alfred?
LikeLike
Most of that works for me (and where can I sign up for robotic parts?)!
Here’s my addition: I’ve often said that if I were queen of the world, parents would have to run baby names by me before saddling their kid with monikers like Diptheria (I’m not kidding), Shafungus (really not kidding) or Moon Unit (Okay, so Frank Zappa was a little odd).
My mom likes to joke that, had I been a boy, I would have been named Christopher Columbus after my great-great-grandfather. At least I hope she’s joking.
LikeLike
I’ve been needing a couple of robot knees for a little while now. I’m glad your mom didn’t end up having you as a boy. That could have created some tense moments at school when it was Columbus day and your friends got mad at you because they didn’t get the day off for your birthday. I will try to get a law in place about the naming rights.
LikeLike