My wife and I have been looking for ways to become independently wealthy for some time now. She would really like to go shopping without looking at price tags. She would also love to have a maid, a personal chef and personal trainer. She would also like a car with heated seats, and a house that has heated air. She would love to be able to afford a McDonald’s Happy meal.

My list of absolute needs and not wants includes finishing the basement, getting a new comfortable chair for my underground lair. I also need a new command center, sound and bulletproof glass for my theater room. It’s so hard to torment people from the comfort of my home when I’m constantly being harassed to do things. It will allow me to better serve the bitter community by discouraging the candy grubbing kids, door-to-door salespeople, by scaring the crap out of them. It will also allow me the peace to write these bitter blogs instead of having to do them at work while being interrupted by my boss to do work.

My son has an extensive list as well. Starting with being able to eat. As a 15-year old, he requires at least a metric ton of food per meal, which rounds upwards of a million dollar a day per diem. He’s going to have to go to the NFL just to be able to afford his groceries. He also gives us an updated list every day of the newest things he HAS to have in order to survive. Things like a new snowboard, skateboard, new winter coat, new shorts, new mounts for the snowboard, new wheels for the skateboard, a new ski pass to ski with, a new skateboard park so he doesn’t have to go all the way up the block, a new computer, new games for the computer (like he needs the computer for homework), new airsoft gun, ammo for airsoft gun, fatigues to use when going to play airsoft, and a new phone, oh and a new phone case. Because he NEEDS all those things just to survive. Then he has a list of things he wants.

We’ve tried many schemes to get rich quick, like starting MLM’s, starting a YouTube channel, becoming influencers, starting a cash company (where people give us cash), house flipping, and becoming real estate moguls. Real estate seems the most legit, so we’re trying that. We’re only missing two things for that. A property and people to rent the property to. While we are waiting for a property to arrive in the mail, we’ve been preparing our ideal candidates to rent to.

The requirements for renters are simple. We are looking for ignorant people that have lots of resources. They should have no self-awareness and be at least have been scammed 3 times by MLM’s or pyramid schemes. We want them to be a part of a growing empire, namely the part that pays us to start our empire. They should enjoy cave-live conditions (cold and dark), frequent power outages (for weeks and months sometimes) and have no need for entertainment, except quiet hobbies like reading or not bothering me. They should just sleep or eat just enough to survive. They should enjoy long walks off short piers.

The second part of our plan is living rent-free. My son tells me that there is a way to live rent-free inside someone’s head, which seems cramped, but could work at the beginning. We could start out living rent-free in someone’s head and save so much money that we could start living rent-free inside their apartment, and then move to a rent-free condo and finally rent-free to a mansion. Since kids are saying you can live rent-free in their heads, I’ve decided to start there.

According to my son, in order to live rent-free in someone’s head you either have to do something really memorable or really stupid. As you know, I am as about as memorable as a goldfish’s brain. So memorable won’t work. I can do stupid really well though. I’m a fan of Jim Carrey and he makes stupid faces. He seems to be living pretty well. I could just have my kid film me whenever I get angry at him for filming me being angry.

Or I could have him film me when I’m talking to myself and coming up with conspiracy theories. Or could try really hard to become handsome by getting too much plastic surgery and end up looking like a clown. I need him, because my sense of humor and his are on the opposite ends of the earth. My is sophisticated and witty, while his is…sophomoric, which means he’s finally doing something above his grade level (he’s a freshman). According to him, Gen Z’s think things like eating Tide Pods and skateboard tricks that land you in the hospital are funny. If only they knew that I don’t need skateboard tricks to end up in the hospital. All I need is to eat too much pizza, or walk down the steps, but I guess that isn’t as cinematic or as immediate as the skateboard fails.

While I’m practicing jumping out of trees to get enough Tik Tok clout to live rent-free in kids’ heads, you guys watch can watch some Bitter Friday Giftures of other people doing GenZ stuff that landed them in kid’s heads rent-free. Or go the traditional route and just go to your job to pay rent. Seems like I’m coming out the winner here…

Living rent-free in Homer’s head…

Not as easy to make it into…

Now this…

Perhaps I need to employee the neighborhood kids…

Security cameras are a good source…

Athletes are a good source of…

Stupid people on the subway…

I don’t love soccer…

Oh hey don’t worry…

This gif is just my son…

How much of a percentage…

Yeah everyone else…

My master two-step plan of getting others to pay me rent is going well and living rent-free is going amazingly. The only thing I’m missing is the people paying me rent thing, and the living rent-free in people’s heads and houses thing. Other than that, it’s all going to plan. I can already see my wife’s personal chef delivering my pizza sandwich down to my evil lair by way of her butler through the delivery tube into my soundproof command center.

EVIL LAUGH Muhahahhahah

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Rent-Free Ben