I have now written over 1,350 blog post over a 10-year period. Some were bad, most were awful, and the rest were pure garbage. I’m like the Sysphus of blog writing. No matter how bad the posts get, and how negative the feedback gets, I just keep coming back for more. Any sane person would have given up by now, but you are looking at a certified insane person that refuses to give up his refuse.
I think I might know why my blog posts continue to defy writing conventions. Most novelists and writers take inspiration from their deep fountain of knowledge they get from reading. They study the art and craft of writing through dozens of English classes, where they learn how punctuation works, and what nouns and verbs are. They understand things like Em dashes — and how to type them on a keyboard. They understand how and when to use Chicago style or when to use the Stuffed Crust style.
I, on the other hand, don’t really read that much. I’m a child of the 80’s and television. I get my inspiration from TV shows, my friends in college, Dilbert comics and the Simpsons. My blog style follows the Simpsons show formula. Just like a Simpsons show, I start the blog on a subject, and then, just as you think it’s about that thing, I pull a smooth switcharoo, and the show is about something else.
You probably thought I would have quit this gig a long time ago, because there is no money in it. There has been exactly no money in it. But have I run out of bitterness yet? Not…even…close. Here I am, award-losingingly bad writer still getting a post or two a week published for almost 10 years. Writing wouldn’t have worked for me back in the 80’s, because it was too much work for so little result.
I would have had to pound out posts on a typewriter, waste a bunch of paper, and send an article like this to a newspaper, or send a novel to a publisher. That would have been way too much work.
Thanks to social media and the internet, though, even a lazy man like me can get published. That’s because there is no middleman between my thoughts and the billions of people with a computer and an internet connection. Unfortunately, there are still a few people in Africa and a couple in Antarctica that haven’t been granted the privilege of my bitter thoughts, so I’m working with UNICEF to do their jobs of getting these underprivileged people some dang internet, so they can be annoyed like everyone else.
As Dwight said, millions of people suffer from identity theft every year. That simply isn’t enough. The goal is billions.
You might wonder how some lazy person like me could produce so many blog posts over the years. Well, would you be surprised to know that I have a ghost writer?
I know what you are thinking. No, he isn’t friends with Casper the Friendly Ghost Writer. He also doesn’t know the Ghostbusters, or the Ghosts of Christmas future. Those are famous ghosts in his realm. He is in fact, a really bitter ghost. In fact, the only reason he is writing for me, is because he can’t pass onto the next life until he writes everything I ask him to do. If he doesn’t, he spends the rest of eternity as a ghost.
I know he isn’t any good, but to be honest, I don’t really pay him that much. For this reason, he has to take on side gigs. He’s gets paid to haunt a few houses, and does cameos in a few ghost hunter shows. Where he makes most of his money for the year is Halloween. He models for ghost costumes (and the Snapchat Logo), hangs on people’s front porches, and makes silly noises whenever people appear. He hopes someday to make it in a big Hollywood movie like Ghostbusters or a Casper movie.
If that ever happens, my blog is screwed. Which is why I’m making sure that I give him really bad advice on how to act. I tell him to be more transparent, and because of that, casting directors can’t really see him and they hire ghosts that are a little more visible.
I’ve even singlehandedly sabotaged his relationships with other ghosts on Tinder. I keep telling him to ghost other ghost girls, “because they love when you ignore them”, which, of course, is wrong. I might have also accidentally spread the “ghosting” trend to dating in humans. Sorry if that has affected any of you.
Well, I’ve got to get back to work telling Bitter Ghost to finish writing this blog. Luckily, he can’t read, only write, because he might be mad about how I’ve exposed him in this post.
Bitter Ghost Writer Ben