Gum Confident Bitter Friday Giftures

I was one of the last people to watch a movie in a theater before the pandemic thing started 5 years ago. I remember it so clearly, because it was March 13th, maybe a couple of days after the NBA shut down. It was on Friday the 13th and the theater had maybe 6 people other than me. I knew theaters were going to shut down soon, but whether it was morbid curiosity or I just because I needed a bitter day in a theater, I wanted to be there that day.

The movie I saw was Bloodshot, starring Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel is one of the most unexplainably successful and rich movies stars you will ever see. Let’s explore why. He stars in some of the biggest franchises in movies. The Fast and Furious saga, Guardians of the Galaxy, and The Pacifier franchise…of one movie. But why? How? The Fast Furious saga started as an illegal street racing movie that somehow morphed into a FAMILY (see various memes across social media) of international spies that defy logic, reason and gravity. In Guardians he plays a tree, and in Pacifier, he plays a babysitter.

How in the world can someone who is shorter than 6 feet, can’t really act, and is bald somehow take on The Rock, John Cena, and Thanos? One reason.

Confidence.

Fact: His real name is Mark Sinclair. He renamed himself VIN DIESEL. He manifested himself to be in a car movies, by naming himself VIN (as in VIN number of a car) and diesel (as in the most premium kind of gas). That takes confidence.

I don’t have a lot of confidence, except in one instance. Have you ever noticed that when you chew gum, you seem more confident? It’s the strangest thing, but when you are chewing it makes you seem superior to everyone else in the room. I have no idea why that is and it seems almost unexplainable. Like Vin Diesel.

If I were able to chew gum while I was in an interview, I’m pretty sure I would get every job I ever applied for. If I could chew gum while giving a speech, I would have crowds cheering at the end. And if I could chew gum when I was on dates, every girl I dated would have asked ME to marry them. I guess that is why chewing gum during important moments is considered rude. Because people wouldn’t be able to resist your confidence.

At the moment, I’m chewing gum, so you should know that this is going to be the greatest blog post you’ve ever read…but the gum is getting kind of bland, so it much suck by the end.

Enough about how great me and Vin Diesel are. Let’s get to the Bitter Friday Giftures…

If you ever want to know what it’s like to be Vin Diesel…

pokemon confidence GIF
…this is how he walks into meetings.

Can’t explain it…

Washington Nationals Max GIF by MLB
…but look at this guy’s confidence.

As opposed to this guy…

Criticism Mean GIF by Adult Swim
…who isn’t chewing gum.

Amy Poehler can show up at the Oscar’s with a sweatshirt on…

amy poehler deal with it GIF
…but since she is chewing gum…totally confident.

It’s because…

Feeling Fat Hannah Horvath GIF by Girls on HBO
…she isn’t chewing gum.

Totally confident…

vapid saturday night live GIF by HULU
…even with sweaters on a hot July day.

Yeah, invisible…

Who Am I Taco GIF by The Masked Singer
…because you aren’t chomping on gum.

She got any boy she wanted…

gum GIF
…because she knew how to chew gum.

She would look so much more confident…

whatever happened to baby jane wtf GIF by O&O, Inc
…if only she chewed more gum.

Also, the bigger the bubble you can blow…

Bubble Gum Pop GIF by Hinds
…the more confident you are.

Also a sign…

doom generation 90s GIF
…that you don’t have any gum.

The reason why Michael looks so disheveled…

Angry Season 4 GIF by The Office
…is because the gum is in his hair.

By the way, the reason why Vin Diesel and other really confident people like him don’t chew gum is because if they did, their heads would explode. Literally. There is only so much confidence you can have before your head explodes. And by the way, this post isn’t sponsored by 5 Gum, Trident, Extra, Orbit or Dubble Bubble, but it should be, because I just wrote their ad for them. That is how confident (brand that is sponsoring me right here) gum is making me.

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Gum Chewing Confident Ben

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