Every year since I was 40, and started this blog, I’ve been celebrating my birthday by giving you all reasons to be bitter. As a lifelong bitteratarian, I’ve always had many reasons, but 2020 has given us a plethora of new reasons. We all know that Corona and earthquakes and floods have obviously inundated us, but to those are of no interest to me. To me, it’s the little things that make us bitter that make all the difference. So without bitter adieu, here is let’s talk about 47 (one for each year of my bitterness) reasons to be bitter.
1 – Chairs – Doesn’t help with standing, not near as comfortable as laying down.
2 – Windows – They are great for seeing through, not so great and not breaking when you hit a golf ball through them.
3 – Chalk – Pretty good for writing things on sidewalks or chalkboards, not so good for writing a book.
4 – Headphones – When one side stops working.
5 – Recycle sites – We tried to dump our cardboard boxes in our spring clean up, but they wouldn’t let us because we didn’t have a city ID.
6 – School ID’s – What use do they have except for taking tests or paying tuition?
7 – Shoelaces – Either they keep your feet all tied up or you are tripping over them. Never do what you want them to do.
8 – Water – Basically we are like 90% water, so that means they are probably responsible for the virus. All it’s ever done for me is keep me alive and allowed to me take a shower. So useless.
9 – The Sun – So maybe it gives us light and heat and allowed our planet to survive, but ever had a sunburn? Sheesh!
10 – Picture frames – Who wants to see old pictures of you or your kids besides you? And if I wanted to know what I looked like, I would look in the mirror.
11 – Mirror – Bad luck when you break them, and only give you a reflected view of what you look like.
12 – Extroverts – Driving all of us introverts crazy, while we are thriving indoors.
13 – Wi-fi – Only works when you need to work, never works when you want to game.
14 – Files – You file thousands of papers, just in case. The one thing you actually needed, you shredded a long time ago.
15 – Volume – It’s always either too loud, too quiet, or you have way too much in your hair.
16 – Socks – Sometimes they get wet.
17 – Paper – The only good thing about paper is that they keep the population of trees down.
18 – Glue – Always so clingy.
19 – Curtains – Every morning you have to open them up. Every night you have to close them. Can they just do their job and open up themselves?
20 – Space – So much of it out in the universe, not so much in our neighborhood.
21 – Signs – We have a speeding sign in our neighborhood…at the end of a cul-de-sac.
22 – Clothes – They seem so overrated. Can’t we just wear some sackcloth to cover up?
23 – Facebook – Why do we need a book on our face?
24 – ZoomBombing – I’m just bitter I don’t know how to do it.
25 – Photobombing – I just wish I could do it to more people’s pictures. If only weddings were going on right now, I would try to do more weddingbombing.
26 – Work – Shouldn’t we just cancel it and tell everyone that we can just share all the money?
27 – Primary colors – Red, yellow and blue. They just think every other color revolves around them.
28 – Puzzles – Why take a perfectly good picture, just to cut it up and turn it into a thousand different pieces? Then the picture is never the same.
29 – Email – Just heard that Nick Saban, coach of the Alabama Crimson Tide, just barely signed up for his first email account. Sheesh. Even my mom has an email address.
30 – Spam – Most of my email, also the only people that eat it live in Hawaii.
31 – Wings – Why would I work so hard to get a little bit of meat?
32 – Shrimp – The reason why they call it that, is because you work so hard to get that amount of meat.
33 – Karens – Seriously, Karen stop stocking up on all the toilet paper! It won’t save you when you don’t vaccinate your children!
34 – Homework – Why am I still doing this! I’m 47!
35 – Personal Space – I was asking people to stay at least 60 feet away from me before it was cool.
36 – Tailgating – Again, stay 6 car lengths from me at all times, before it was cool.
37 – Paper Edging – When you don’t get a clean rip. Ugggh.
38 – Soggy Carpet – Juice or soda. Can you ever get it out?
39 – Clothing – When you can’t it get it off your hanger, and break yet another hanger.
40 – Phone battery – Why is it always at 15%?
41 – Computers – Why does it only work when you are working on homework?
42 – Multi-tasking – Yeah, I’m good at it, but I prefer to Unitasking.
43 – Vacuum – Why aren’t they scaring more kids away from me?
44 – 44 is cool actually. It was my number in basketball and my favorite baseball player. Actually, he was injury prone. And I never made the NBA. Maybe it isn’t such a cool number.
45 – The letter Q – Freaking q. So psycho dependent on the letter U. Maybe U would like to see other letters.
46 – Websites – Shouldn’t it be websights? No one goes on vacation to see the sites.
47 – The number 47 – Seriously, is there any dumber number? Now for an entire year, I’m going to have to tell people I’m that many years old.
Until next year, when I’m finally 48 years old and have yet another 48 reasons to be bitter. Hopefully, next year we can be angry about things like not getting a $100,000 bonus instead of some stupid virus and social distancing.
Bitter 47 Years Old Ben