DNA Test Bitterness

/ bensbitterblog

My science teacher but creepier.

When I was a sophomore in high school, we had to take Biology.  I couldn’t stand my teacher, because he was a pig before the #metoo movement started, but also he wasn’t very good at teaching. I remember him talking about the weirdest things like you should change your deodorant often because the glands under your arm get used to a certain type and stop working as well.

Anyway, the class covered DNA and I could never understand how DNA worked because he was such a horrible teacher.  Nowadays, DNA is becoming famous, because of all these 23 and me, and Ancestry DNA measuring kits. I’m not sure why anyone would care about who their relatives are, because they are people. Most of their lives were pretty meaningless like ours. I’m pretty sure if they all had computers and the internet they would have wasted their lives scrolling Instagram and making up new memes just like us.

If only we had a phone-like device to help us avoid the awkward silences.

I’m guessing while they were on the farm just trying to stay alive in some crappy black plague-infested country, in the dark because there was no electricity, they were probably thinking, “Man, it would be really nice if we had some device that we could look at to pass the time faster. Something like an Ipad, or a phone or something that we could look at while we were waiting for the doctor to diagnose us with yet another disease that they can’t cure.”

I finally decided to get a kit, read the really confusing instructions, spit into a tube, and sent my DNA test in. I waited the requisite 6 weeks for the test to come back. My guess is they get the test, run the results the next day, get your computer print out ready, and then hold onto the results for 5 weeks and 6 days. I’m pretty sure science has advanced enough that they can run the test in a few minutes.

Waiting for my DNA test with bated breath.

To be honest, the wait didn’t really bother me, because I didn’t really care, and also I was pretty sure that I knew exactly what my DNA is. When it finally came, I was like, oh yeah, that’s right, I did that thing.

My wife and kids were waiting with bated breath, but I was just ready to get it over with. I looked at the paper and it confirmed exactly what we all knew all along.  Turns out I’m 0% nice, and 100% bitter. Shocker.

Have you guys done a DNA test? Any results that shocked or amazed you?

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Bitter DNA Test Results Ben

31 thoughts on “DNA Test Bitterness”

  1. Pingback: The .Gif Friday Post No. 619 – Sleight Of Hand, One Capful At A Time & In The Park | Tacky Raccoons

    • That is actually right. Bezos isn’t even very good at hiding it anymore. Alexa is always saying, “What did you just say? You want to order a new tool set for your friend David for Christmas? I will do so right now. Don’t worry, I don’t need your credit card. I already have the number from reading it out of your wallet. You should pay the balance soon, because the interest rate of 20.5% is pretty high and you need to make more room for more purchases lately.” And Alexa wasn’t even on.

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  6. I teach world history, I work in a library where lots of people come in to do their genealogy, and I don’t trust DNA tests to give accurate information about anyone’s genealogy. Our ancestors moved around way too much and groups of people mixed way too often for a DNA test to give flawless information regarding where your multiple-great-grandparents lived. Ever hear of the Goths? Or the Vikings? On the other hand, I’m sure any results that identify you as bitter are completely accurate. J.

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  7. My Dad and sister did it, so my planned life of crime is no more. The cops will be able to trace me through them. A disappointing lack of pigment showed up in every result pointing back to the inbreed residents of the Emerald Isle at every turn.

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  8. I did a DNA test with Ancestry.com. I don’t know what I was expecting. My whole life when people asked about my ethnic background I said maybe English? My father’s ancestor came to America in the early 1700s & my mother’s from England in the late 1700s. Boring. White. Nothing with pizazz.

    I waited the however long, and I agree with your theory, you know it was ready sooner. Anyway. My DNA said 80% English with a tiny bit of Irish and German. Still just white, but maybe I’ll switch between Irish and German sometimes.

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    • Yeah, sounds like quite a letdown. I don’t think they would ever come up with anything interesting for me except, yeah, you’re white. My adopted son on the other hand, he is mixed race white/black, so it was really interesting to know about his.

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