I think there are several goals when it comes to being on vacation. The first, most important goal is to forget how to function at work. If you are taking a vacation from your job and you are doing it right, on the day you come back, you should forget the route you take to get to your job. Forget that traffic existed before the vacation. The alarm clock should scare you. Any passwords you used to get into your computer should be completely forgotten. You forget how to use your phone or what an email is. Work you did before the vacation should seem like something you did 10 years ago. You should have to introduce yourself to your co-workers. Essentially, you should forget about work completely when you go on vacation.

The second goal is to create several molds. I know you probably think I mean jello molds or cake molds or something to do with cooking or food. Nope. I’m talking about molds in the couch. Molds in the bed. Molds on the computer chair at home. Molds in all the pillows. You should be planting yourself in one spot so often, that there should be a mold of you in that spot. Your eyes should only be open for necessary things like going to the kitchen to make a large Dagwood sandwich. Playing video games all night. Watching movies and TV, or binging The Office. Other than that, you should be snoozing, on the couch, at the table, in the bed. On the floor. What you shouldn’t be doing is moving. Being active. Getting out.

As you know, the US government is on a bit of a vacation right now. I won’t talk about why, because I’m not really what you would call “informed”. I just know that every once in a while, we depend on the government for things. It isn’t everything, but it is definitely more than you think. I think we are still getting our mail, but I’m not sure, because we don’t really get anything important, except people requesting us to pay for things like internet, heat, light, and electricity. It is winter, so the parks being shut down aren’t too bad of a thing for me. I like to stay inside anyways.

I do get a check from the government once a month, and I heard I might not get that. And another thing that I worry about is that tax returns might be on hold too. I am not a fan of paying taxes, but I sure am a fan of the government paying me.

What I thought was kind of strange was that my wife got a bunch of telemarketing calls yesterday and she was a little tired of it. So she decided to call the national Do Not Call phone number to get us on that list and guess what message she got. “We’re sorry, but due to the partial government shut down, we are unable to put you on the Do Not Call list. Please call back when we are working.”

I guess the government has the same idea as me. Not remembering how to do their job when they go on vacation.

Your turn. What do you think about vacation? Are you a sit and mold at home person like me? Or do you actually like to do things outdoors? What do you think about government vacations? Don’t they already not work? Why did I not get employed by the government, when I realized they don’t really work?

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Static Vacation Ben

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