I have a pretty outstanding sense of direction. I can almost always tell where I am and where I need to go. It was always something built inside me and something I have tried really hard not to develop at all. Whenever I have been somewhere once, I can almost always find it again without direction. I think because I have been blessed with this gift, I’ve been cursed in another way.

I can’t hold onto anything. I’ve lost my wallet multiple times in my life, I can’t seem to ever be able to find my keys, and right now I can’t seem to find my glasses. It might be because I haven’t worn glasses for 15 years, but still…can’t find them.

Lately, I’ve been pretty good though. I figured that I was just getting really good at holding onto things finally, but it seems that isn’t really the case. What seems to have happened is I have just passed on the curse.

I finally took a not deserved at all vacation since December 22nd, and things went well…at first. That is where you always go wrong. The first few days went smoothly. The kids were excited about Christmas, so they were on their best behavior (which for our son is naughty), but they were helpful, happy, and downright intolerable. I’m not used to it, so it was a little disconcerting. We spent a night with my wife’s family, and night with my family. Then Christmas day came, the kids all got what they wanted and we settled into a nice comfortable groove.

Then the next morning my daughter came to me and asked if I had seen her wallet. Not a big deal, just asking. Of course, I don’t really pay attention to other people’s wallets, because I’m always so worried about mine. I looked around but didn’t really get too concerned because, you know, there is stuff everywhere, and presents and wrapping paper could have just swallowed it up. I just told her to tell her mom and we would look tomorrow.

Tomorrow came and we started going through the, “Where did you see it last?” questions. Then the ripping up of the house, tearing up of every part of the house and the frustrations started to mount. Accusations of “you must have thrown it away” and “why weren’t you more careful!” and then chaos. No one wanted to go anywhere (even though we badly needed stuff) and everyone was mad at each other. All because some stupid wallet was lost. It baffles me how these things get lost.

I’ve decided that we had a Christmas Gremlin stealing all our stuff. Come to find out my wife can’t find her charging cable, my son can’t seem to find his wallet now, and then my mom called me last night wondering if we had her purse. Some things we found, others we didn’t. But we will always wonder where these things disappear to. I’m still wondering where my baseball glove and wallet from my trip to Cincinnati in high school are. All I know is this dude made Christmas miserable. And when I find this Christmas Gremlin, I’m going to punch him in his bitter face.

What did your Christmas Gremlins steal from you this year? Why does he always wait for our wallets to be the fullest to steal them?

ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

Bitter Angry Christmas Elf Ben

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