I like to talk about this a lot, because it makes me so bitter. When I was a kid, I was skinny as a rail. I know because I used to have a bed that had a rail, and I would sit in front of the mirror and compare myself to it. Just kidding. I didn’t every really look at a mirror. I barely brushed my hair, so why else would I need to look at a mirror? Right to practice my bitter look so I could scare other kids. But I didn’t need to practice, because I was very confident in my bitterness.

Anyway, I think my body played a cruel joke on me during my teen years. All the way up until 19, it had me convinced that I could eat whatever I wanted and I would never gain weight. I heard this tweet using video games as a metaphor for the transition from teen to adult and it makes all the sense in the world. Essentially it said that the first 18 years of life is a free trial, but once you turned 18, your free trial was over and you had to pay to play from then on out.

When I was in my freshman year of college, I took a Fitness for Life class, which I laughed so hard at. We got to run the mile and use this little device to measure how much body fat we had. I was measured at 4% and I was feeling like a king.

Problem was that after the year was done, I went on a two year mission and I remember the first moment I realized that I had gained my first pound since I was 7th grade? I sat down on the couch and when I did, it hurt. I wondered why my stomach hurt when I sat down? Someone pointed out to me that I had probably gained a little weight. I was like, WWWWWHHHHHAAAAT? as I ate my 4th Snicker. I’ve been eating all day, but my metabolism takes care of that stuff.

Apparently my metabolism had enough of me and decided to quit. He realized that I didn’t pay with diet and exercise and he wanted to go work with a paying customer. My free trial was over and I had completely wasted it.

Well, I’m not going to change. Exercise is too much work and eating kale and salad instead of pizza isn’t happening.

I’m tired of metabolism charging so much. I think we should be allowed to be lazy in our old age. But we shouldn’t have to carry all the weight either. How am I supposed to enjoy my TV and couch when I have all this weight. I propose we break up this metabolism monopoly and let it know that we are cutting out the middle man.

I’m inventing a skin eraser. If pencil can erase some of writing errors, why can’t our skin have one? Why has no one invented this yet?

I will give someone $25 if they invent this, put my name of the patent and allow me to collect the rewards. It should be easy enough. We find our problem that we need fixed (in my case my stomach) take the little eraser to the problem spot, and draw back in the six pack.

Metabolism is a jerk, and he charges way to high a price. Time to put him and her out of business. Time for them to stop playing the bait and switch and let us have our ability to be lazy back.

Who wants to invent this for me? What other features do you want to include?

ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Eraser Ben