Cheese School

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life. You probably know a few of them, and the rest of them, well, I’m not telling you and you can’t make me. My bad decisions have made me who I am.  A bitter, lazy, aging old man who still hasn’t climbed my way to the middle.

One of the my biggest bad decisions was going to college. Not the fun, making friends part, or the staying up late to eat pizza part, but the educational part. All the success stories I’ve ever paid attention to involved someone dropping out or even going to college. Casey Neistat, Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Steve Jobs, they all dropped out of either high school or college and they all made at least $30 grand a year. I only dream of being that successful someday.

Every job I’ve ever locked down was because of my experience doing something, not the piece of paper that said I stayed awake just enough to get a C in a degree that was so diverse, that it didn’t make me an expert in anything. Every skill I’ve ever had was learned by teaching myself. Adobe products, blogging, writing, social media, those skills I learned on my own.

There is one school I would absolutely learn to brown nose for. It involves a discipline that is just like me. Bitter, aging and gets more bitter with age. That’s right. Cheese. There are cheese schools. I don’t know where, and I don’t know how, but learning more about the best food ever invented makes me want to go back to school right now. If I was stranded on a desert island and only had one food for the rest of my life, it would be cheese. Of course, I would invent pizza again while on the island, but cheese is the Alpha, baby. No amazing pizza didn’t have amazing cheese.

Just like the age old basketball debate, if you were to choose one player right now to start an expansion team, who would you choose? If there was an NBA draft for food, cheese would be the first choice, the MVP, Most Valuable for Pizza.

Most Valuable for Pizza.

I may never get a job from cheese school. I may get nothing but heartburn from cheese school(I get heartburn from everything I eat anyways, so it might as well be a good tasting heartburn). But I will know more about cheese than anything else.

I’ve often talked about pizza being my favorite food ever and I hope the way I die is in the middle of eating a slice. Even more specifically, I want to be taking a bite and seeing the cheese stretch across my mouth to the pizza, cheese connecting me to the pizza forever. I want that to be the last image I ever see. I want cheese and me and pizza to be together forever. Is that cheesy enough for you?

By the way, this is not just a blog post. This is actually my admissions essay for cheese school. Let me know if it will be good enough to get me in. You have no idea how much I want to get in, and if you screw this up for me, I will burn the Utica to the ground.

So, what critiques do you have for me? Have you ever wanted something as much as I want to get into cheese school?

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH

Bitter Cheesy Ben

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38 thoughts on “Cheese School

  1. If I was president of Cheese School, you would SO be in! I too love cheese, and cheesy things. I, too, live a life created by my bad decisions, including college, which was not nearly as fun as advertised, but don’t get me started down THAT bitter road! I love the idea of your expiring with the cheese stretched between you and the pizza (one of the major food groups, by the way) (the others are sugar, caffeine, and alcohol). Rock on!

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  2. I’m with you on this cheese school thing, Ben. I think you shouold include a great quote in your essay, something like “I never met a cheese I didn’t like,” -Will Rogers (or was that Roy?)

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  3. I went to cheese school and learned how to cut it there. Cutting cheese is an art. You can’t just bust a bifurcation and be done. You gotta work that cheese, grip and squeeze. Only then when you have the proper tension can you cut the big ones.

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  4. All the little “Office” clips you’ve been including in your blog have inspired me to start watching it on Netflix. So you should ask the actors for a cut of their residuals. I’m in Season 5 now. Please don’t tell me how it ends, or I will become as bitter as anyone who works at any office.

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  5. College is a bitter disappointment to me. I have a B.A. and a M.A. I taught in the school system for over thirty years. My best year I made about forty thousand. True I worked ten months a year. But the summer was not paid for but incorporated into the year contract. The rub is my son-in-law is a UPS driver and he makes seventy five thousand a year with no college credit. The bigger rub: my son who graduated high school and went to college for less than two years makes over two hundred thousand a year and goes on vacations six times a year to foreign countries. Who is really educated?

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