When I went to college, I dreamed that my degree would propel me to a career in copywriting at a prestigous advertising firm. I would create campaigns for the coolest brands and companies like Nike. What I realized is that my degree forgot to get me any skills. When you don’t have any skills employers rarely care if you have a degree. I knew I didn’t want to go to Hollywood, because I had never been in a play that I wasn’t forced to do. I also sucked at memorizing things. I couldn’t even memorize the Pledge of Allegiance.
The only reason I would ever though of going to Hollywood was to write terrible scripts for Lifetime movies. I mean with movies like ‘A Boyfriend for Christmas’ and ‘Deadly Honeymoon’ why wouldn’t there be room in Hollywood for a F list writer like me? Anyways, I’ve been too lazy to write them any of my sample scripts like ‘A Bitter Christmas Sled’, so I had just given up on my hope to ever fail in Hollywood.
Then on Friday I realized that there was a huge void in Hollywood. For all these action films they have stunt people. They need someone to step in the place of Bruce Willis and all these other action stars, so these action stars can sip their $1000 water in their trailers and memorize their lines.
Anyways, I’ve decided that Hollywood actors also have to stay trim and fit so they can accidentally take their shirts off and show off their abs. But how are they going to do all that when they have to eat all these things from craft services? Well, that is where me and a growing list of Stunt eaters come in. Whenever an actor needs to do a scene where they need to eat pizza or a donut, they swap big old me in there and I take one for the team. I eat their chicken wings, their eclairs, and their bagels, so they don’t have to.
I know it won’t be easy for a lazy guy like me, but when Tom Cruise, an aging actor who is older than me needs to look fat and eat like a pig, and can keep slender like he is, he gives me a call and lets me eat all the jerky, and stake while he keeps eating his kale and protein shakes.
The eating can even extend off set of he wants it to. I can laze around the craft services for him, while he eats his lettuce and carrot sticks in front of the press. I know there is a market for that, and I’m ready to fill in.
I’m finally going to Hollywood my friends! Look for me on the red carpet right behind Tom Cruise and Tom Hanks eating their pizza rolls and divine deserts while they look fit and trim. I will make them look good while getting paid!
It’s a bitter job, but someone bitter has to do it.
ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH
Bitter Stunt Eater Ben
With Tom Cruise making $20 million a movie, even if he paid you $50,000 a year it would be totally worth it.
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Exactly, but I’m thinking he should be able to spare a little more. I could barely get a square foot in Hollywood on that.
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Oh man Ben, I love this one. It’s perfect for you.
I remember back when Harrison Ford was told he’d have to have his shirt off for the Indiana Jones series, and he started working with Body By Jake. By the end of the first workout he was throwing up cheeseburgers and cream pies. It’s not easy to look good. But you can help’em.
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Hey man, when there is a need in Hollywood, you gotta come in there and fill it. Seems they need someone to eat stuff for them.
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Dang! What a great idea! I wish I’d thought of it. When you decide to franchise, let me know. I’m sure I can eat for some Hollywood stars, too.
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I always have really bad ideas, but then I suck even more at executing those ideas.
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Well, this seemed like a really good idea to me!
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I’m full of a of things, but mostly food.
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Oh, you have stumbled upon the right career for me, too! Take me on as your apprentice! The student will surpass the master!
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I will have to pave the way in Hollywood first, and when I’m fat and bitter, I will reach out to you for some job availabilities.
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Brilliant!!!!!
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I can just see all kinds of celebrities lining up to use my food eating skills.
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Dear Ben, you might want to read up on robert crais, and also the free writers’ digest articles on freelancing in screen-writing and advertising (unless I misunderstood what you meant.) Wishing you the best. ps I think you have plenty of skills. hang in there.
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Okay, I’ll give mister Robert Crais an email. I assume he will call me right away and we will be doing scripts for Lifetime movies in no time.
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what I meant was that mr Crais, the writer of several very famous tv series was turned down in a very nasty way by a famous editor. He won the Poe that same year for the best novel of the year at the bouchercon, and the editor who turned him down ran from the room in embarrasssment. I was trying to say hang in there and hang on to your dreams. I will continue reading but will not bother you again.
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That sounds like a dream. Writing something after a famous editor rejects you. Then being able to rub it in his face.
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