I grew up on sports. It’s hard to imagine, but when I was young I was in good shape. I was even taller than the average person from about 7th grade on. Until my freshman year of college, I was like 4% body fat. Then my metabolism slowed, but my eating did not. It was then that I discovered weight gain. I would sit down and it was uncomfortable. I couldn’t figure out why until my brain kicked in slowly as usual, and deduced that the reason why sitting was uncomfortable, was because there was a belly that was protesting.

But we aren’t here to talk about weight gain. We are here to talk about how sports has taught me all about how to have bad behavior. If it wasn’t for sports, I wouldn’t know all about how to be so bitter.

Tanking – There is this really great habit that basketball teams do when they aren’t winning. About half way through the season they figure out that the season is pretty pointless because they aren’t going to go to the playoffs. So they start losing on purpose in the hopes that they may get a high draft pick that will help them be good next year. I can learn a lot about life this way. Since I’m not getting a raise or a promotion anytime soon, I’m just going to stop trying and maybe they will give me a raise next year.

Taking Bribes to play – This is for those college players out there. College players get scholarships to play at school, usually a full ride. Most other people have to work their butts off in school to even be considered, but free school isn’t enough for some college players. The really good players want to get paid as well. Most of the really good ones will be paid big dollars to play in the pros. But they are impatient to live the lifestyle and decide to accept bribes from wealthy boosters to go to a school. I can learn some great behaviors from these guys by accepting bribes from people for doing work that I normally do for free. So, anyone who needs help moving, or help walking across the street, a premium street walker like myself is available for bribes.

Excessive Celebration – Whenever someone in the professional sports does something they are supposed to do, like slam dunk, make a touchdown, score a goal, they like to celebrate like they just won the Super Bowl, or NBA Championship. Maybe they did, or maybe they just did something they were paid millions of dollars per year to do. But you know, go ahead and celebrate excessively. Now whenever I post a page for a client, or write a blog post for an agent’s page, I’m going to stand up, run around the room, yell in people’s faces, point at the crowd, pretend I’m sitting around a campfire, or some weird celebration, because I just did something I was paid dozens of dollars to do.

Only working in your contract year – Professionals are all about the next contract. Not the one they are under right now, because they are “underpaid”. The moment they sign a quarter of a billion dollar contract, they relax and coast with their average effort. The year before they contract is up though, they are motivated to do things. They are showing off to their team or another that they are amazing and they work hard. So I guess I’m only working hard the month before my review. Because my laziness, poor work performance and lackadaisicallness will only be seen from one month before right?

Working only part of the year – Athletes have these things called seasons. The basketball season is from mid-October to end of April. If you really work hard, you maybe work in May and maybe even June. But you get your summers off.  Even school kids work longer than that. I guess I will decide to work from October until June. But after that, it’s all about the vacation. Maybe I will work out occasionally just make my boss think I’m working.

Since I’m working like an athlete, I’m all about equality. Just send my million dollar per paycheck and I will accept your cheers and jeers whenever I come in late to my 3 hour per day job.

ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Athletically Treated Ben