My next TV screen should be this size.

I’ve been living without a big screen TV for a year and a half now. Cable has been a no show for a year and a half now. That will be coming to an end soon. That means I’ve missed some pretty angry news. I heard there was this thing called fake news. Then I found out that a reality show host billionaire is running our country. How could you guys let that happen?

Now I’m being told that every single Kardashian had a baby including Kaitlyn? You’ve had hurricane’s and fires. You know, water and fire kind of counteract each other right? Take all your hurricanes, place them gently on top of the fires and that should solve those two crises. Do I have to do everything around here for you?

Now I hear big time celebrities are getting in trouble for harrassing people. And YouTube “stars” are going to forests in Japan and getting themselves in trouble. And it took patting down a fail mary for somebody to finally beat the Pats. Apparently, I can’t leave you guys alone for a year in a half without you getting in trouble. Can you all just start fighting about little things instead of bigger things? Bigger things lead to anger, resentment, hatred and rage. Those emotions are dumb. We just want the little things that lead to bitterness, like someone putting pineapple and Canadian bacon on my pizza. Or that we lost the internet for 20 minutes and almost turned to savages and lost our minds.

Perhaps, it is time to turn to the real source of news. The source that people really care about. Bitter News from the Couch. Now that is some news you should really care about, because it is old, outdated and full of bitterness. Not rage, resentment, hatred or rage, those clearly useless emotions. We want news the old fashioned way. Done on an old outdated camera, by a guy that has no earthy business being behind a camera, with no experience in acting, journalism or ambition. And the background and sound should be horrendous. It’s basically in technibitter. Now that is some programming that should make someone YouTube famous, not these dumb kids that think that random equals funny.

That is the kind of news we can rely on. None of this fake news, angry news, riots after Superbowls, and stuff that government officials say. Nobody wants or needs to hear that stuff. Let get back to basics and just start believing what one guys says and thinks and stop relying on “Multiple Sources” to get our news. Besides, what is the truth anyways? It’s much easier to believe one person, than a bunch of different perspectives right?

ARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Technibitter Ben