St. Rude, The Patron Saint of Bitterness

/ bensbitterblog

Some personality traits of other people. My personality trait…Just bitter.

We are all made up of a lot of different little parts of personality; well most of you are. I have been blessed with this bitter personality since I came out of my mother. Actually, probably before that. I was complaining about the tight quarters, the lack of pizza being fed through the veins and the weird music my mom was playing on her belly for me to listen to. Eight tracks. Can you believe that? Could you at least do a little Run DMC or something? I mean I know they were still inventing that music then, but at least get in contact or something.

When they say opinions and personalities are formed in the womb, they are right. Anyways, I don’t know if you know much about patron saints, but apparently, they are made up of good people who died and are here to protect a particular group of people from certain kinds of things. For instance, St. Christopher is the patron saint of travelers. St. Luke is the patron saint of doctors (probably why you see a lot of hospitals called St. Luke’s) and St. Patrick is the patron saint of Ireland. Perhaps why we celebrate St. Patrick’s Day in March.  Of course, you know I have all this knowledge because I can look up Wikipedia, the source of all knowledge.

Actually, the reason why I even thought of this is that of a song by Florence and the Machine called St. Jude. St. Jude is the patron saint of lost causes, which of course I am so I can relate. On an entirely different vein, I wonder what Saint West (Kanye and Kim K’s kid) is the patron saint of?

Meet St. Rude, the patron saint of bitterness.

Anyways, what you should know is that St. Rude is the patron saint of bitterness. Each morning I wake up and St. Rude is there on the wrong side of the bed, putting sleep in my eyes. Each morning St. Rude puts out things that I can trip over in the dark. St. Rude is especially good at finding Lego’s because he knows they really hurt. He joins me for breakfast and makes sure my toast is burnt, there is just little enough milk that I have to add water or orange juice to my cereal, and he joins me on my commute. He always gets me behind just the right driver that I want to punch their face and feel sorry for them at the same time.

St. Rude loves work. He knows all the bitterness he can cause there. He finds the employees that I need the most that day and helps them stay home sick. He helps me delete only the exact files I need at the time, and he loves helping me stain my shirt in just the right spots. He knows exactly when I need to take lunch or a break, so he finds the most urgent projects that have to be done this minute.

That’s St. Rude for you. Always there to make you bitter just when you need him. It is just really uncomforting to know that he will still be there for you in your time of need…for bitterness. I thank him every day for his service because, without him, I wouldn’t have a personality at all.

ARRRGGGHHHHHH

Bitter St. Rude Ben

36 thoughts on “St. Rude, The Patron Saint of Bitterness”

  1. I think St. Rude has started hanging out in my office ever since they took my desk away and gave me the chance to sit on a bar stool or in an uncomfortable arm chair all day. Good thing, too, then I have someone to send my bitter prayers to. Yours in bitterness, amen.

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  9. I saw St Rude in Costco pushing a huge skid of groceries. He just loads it up when he knows I’m coming, to say ‘if you had a bigger place you might be able to buy more!’ Jerk.

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  12. My favorite patron saint is St. Dude, the patron saint of Coolness. He turns on my cell phone flashlight so I don’t trip over those Legos in the dark. When I spill stuff on my shirt, he turns the spilled look into a fashion trend. He makes it so peeps don’t want to cut me off in traffic, because they want to admire my car instead. He’s so chill, I have to wear my shades when I hang out with him.

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  14. Oh, St. Rude…….it appears that he travels, because I often find him in my home (that effing cupboard that ricochets back at that special place on your forehead), my special needs felines and oh, wait for it……WALMART!!!! 🙂

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