You didn’t even see me coming.
I take a lot away from people around me. That includes all those people that read this blog, who are few. I would like to say that I’m kind of the Midas of Bitterness. Everything I touch turns to bitterness. So, of course, that happens to everyone I meet or talk to. In the same way that my son is a Pied Piper of annoying neighborhood kids, I am the Pied Piper of making other people bitter. I wonder if I was created to be extremely introverted and not influential at all among real people that I know (as opposed to all my fake friends of the internet) was a good way of containing the bitterness to my tiny corner of influence.
Anyways, I often think I would be a good thief. I have had many years of practice. Ever since I started my “real” career at the company which shall be called, “The Company that shall not be named”, I’ve woken up way before my wife and kids. I think I prefer that, and they do too. Dad isn’t around to eat breakfast with us, and he isn’t annoying us with his pathetic attempts at trying to stay relevant with pop culture.
My kids love pretending like they don’t know me when I use words like Savage, and extra and other stuff like that. Which is why I use them. Anyways, so this early thing in which I wake up and go to work before they even wake up is how I’ve gotten so exceptional at sneaking around. I am not blind, but I am exceptional at the lay of the lands which I live in.
Arrrggghhh, the light is too light!
I can walk around the entire house in the dark, to the point that having light causes me pain, not only to my eyes, but in tripping over things, and bumping my knees on just about everything. I know where every creak is on the floor, the exact angle each door when they start squeaking, and each sound that every electronic device makes and when they will turn on lights. We even have those motion lights in our house and I know the exact distance I can be from each so as to not set them off.
I pretty much would be this confident guy that would walk into a casino that Ocean’s 12 had been working on for months to crack, and would just breeze right through the security like I was walking through a meadow (do meadow even really exist?).
I would really make Brad Pitt and George Clooney made that they didn’t have anyone on their team that did what I did. Then I would sneak pink supersized diamond into their house and give it back to them, just because I could.
Of course, I could be the world’s best thief from all my training, but of course, just like all the other potential I have in all kinds of areas, I am just too lazy. I could get a degree at S.T.E.A.L. (Southwest Thieving Entertainment Academy of Lockpicking), and probably even get on the Dean’s List, but I would forget to turn in my homework and miss out because I “skipped the stealing Porsche” lesson because it was pizza Friday.
Anyways, just watch yourself around me, because not only would I be able to pick your pocket pretty easily, but I would also be able to steal your house. And all your joy too.
ARRRRGGHHHHHH
Bitter Thief of Joy Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
I thought vegetables were the thief of joy, but I think you’re doing a bang-up job Ben.
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I try to do my best when it comes to stealing other people’s joy. But vegetables do their best. I don’t know how vegetarians have any joy at all.
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What joy?
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Any joy you have, like you know, with your family or whatever. I will suck that dry from you when you find a way to get some.
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I’m not normally a fan of bitter but I read you all the time man. You make bitter better lol
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I’m glad you recognized that I am bitter. There are very few signs that are available around this blog that would lead you to think I was bitter.
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My wallet’s on the nightstand but trust me you don’t want to steal my identity
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I’m too lazy for my identity. I can’t imagine stealing some one else’s identity.
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If you are a thief of joy why am I smiling? That shadow thing is a good idea.
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I think because you must have got that smile from somewhere else. We don’t allow those around here. Have you seen my Gravitar? No smiling!
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That’s just to annoy people!
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That is what I like to do. You aren’t allowed to annoy me back!
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Okay then
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You know, cause I’m a bitter baby and no one should make me cry.
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I know…it’s all over town, people are talking… don’t make B. Ben cry!
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Let’s go ahead and just pretend this didn’t happen.
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lol! agreed.
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Awesome. So let’s just talk about bitterness from now on.
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LOL! “S.T.E.A.L.” so clever! I don’t know Ben. I’ve always thought of you as more clever than bitter. I see past all that bitter stuff. Clever Ben. That’s what I think. 🤔
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I’ve gone to a lot of schools before, Ben’s B.I.T.T.E.R. School of bitterness (a school I am actually in charge of. See the tab up above to learn more about that one) and I have failed getting through all of them. Clever Ben doesn’t really have the ring to it that Bitter Ben does.
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I have been reading you for a couple of years now, and I have to say: You are the King of Bitterness! I consider myself the complete opposite, so I guess that I why I find your posts so interesting. You do have a fantastic sense-of-humor (sorry for the compliment), and I do appreciate it. I was raised with an “if we are not picking on you, we don’t like you” type of humor. All of our closest friends are aware of this and agree. Good luck with finding your group of like-minded friends and keep up the bitter work!
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I will definitely keep up the bitter work, because that is all I know how to do. And thanks a lot for complimenting me. That really makes me bitter. ARRRGGGHHH!
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