I’ve never been a huge fan of New Year’s. Ever since I was young, until whatever day it was yesterday, I have never really done anything for New Year’s. I’m an introvert so I’ve never really liked to party. I’m a very uninteresting person, so I just like to watch TV, or play video games because it does all the thinking, entertaining and talking for me.
The other thing I don’t like about New Year’s is all this fake, made up resolutioning. I know for a fact that either you don’t remember what resolutions you made last year, or you didn’t keep them for more than a day. I get it, you have a new calendar and it’s time to make a fresh start. But why in January? January is the coldest, most depressing, bitterest time of the year. If you wanted to make a resolution, why don’t you choose May or June when the weather starts getting better? Or September when school starts? Or after the Super Bowl for you football fans because you have nothing left to live for except all the other sports? Or just be like me and not make resolutions.
I am a bitter realist. I know that nothing will change for me this year, unless something random happens and I win the lottery. But that isn’t something I can plan for. And if I won the lottery, we know that I would be cursed just like those other people that won and blew all their money on multiple Xboxes and Playstations.
And maybe I get a new couch that is more comfortable and a TV that doesn’t make my eyes want to cry from it being so small at only 65 inches. I will certainly find something to complain about, no matter how good life is for me. Luckily, we know it never will be because I don’t have a positive attitude or a handsome face.
We all know that resolutions are doomed to fail, so I am actually going to make some this year.
I resolve to not win the lottery.
I resolve to gain weight.
I resolve to get a terrible job, or no job at all.
I resolve to not become a stand up comedian, an social media influencer, or basketball owner.
I resolve to lose followers on blog, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. A lot of them.
I resolve to grow balder this year.
I resolve to have no savings, no checking and no interest (both in my bank account and in anything at all).
There you go Bittermaliens. Some resolutions that are doomed to fail. Hope all your resolutions fail and cause you bitterness in the New Year too.
ARRRRGGGHHHHH
Bitter Old Year Ben
I also resolve to grow balder…I need to catch up with my brother.
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That is a great resolution. I am also working really hard on converting to the Bald Side, but my wife seems to think I have a terrible head for baldness.
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My head isn’t so good for baldness, it’s shaped like an olive.
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I’m so jealous. Mine has all kinds of bumps and stuff. But it isn’t protecting much.
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I really appreciated your “liking” my post over at slowpainful.com For that alone, you are my cup of too strong, under-creamed, over-percolated continental-roast coffee that’s been sitting on the heating element all morning.
You have nine thousand followers. NINE THOUSAND. And it’s not like I have, you know. FOUR thousand or something that gives me aspirations. Like, my chin isn’t quivering with determination. I have SIXTY-THREE.
You deserve every single one of them, too. I’m going to lie down and cry now.
DR
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There is nothing like the slow painful lie down to get your bitter day started. I’m going to go do that right now.
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Best line: ” If you wanted to make a resolution, why don’t you choose May or June when the weather starts getting better?” Makes perfect sense. Meanwhile, in your honor, I resolve to disregard any resolution I’ve ever made in my life. [and am considering, also in your honor, to power down a weekly salad of radicchio, and orange pith.
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I like the resolution to not eat salad. That stuff contains healthy toxins that will invade my healthy pizza artery clogging.
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This brightened my day. That’s got to speak volumes about how much fun today has been, so far. If I wasn’t so excited about rotating my lightbulbs at 4:00 PM–in 1hour, 7 minutes and 32 seconds–I’d go back to bed.
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I know how I can be the highlight of people’s day. Pretty much because they work at the worst jobs, or do nothing else but eat pizza and watch Netflix all day. Oh wait I just described me.
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Resolutions for your New Year solved in one stroke.The tinge of bitterness leaching into the new year like oli on water. Spread the bitterness. Enjoy your words, thanks for the likes. PS Happy New Year?
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Nope. Definitely a bitter new year. Bitterest year yet, and we are only 11 days in.
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Good luck on your New Year’s Resolutions, BitterBen! 😉 😛
HUGS!!! 😀
PS…I posted my blogging resolutions AND my dog’s resolutions. His are better than mine. 😀
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I’m sure your dog will succeed. Mine, I pretty much see them not working.
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Happy New Year my bitter buddy. Once again you’ve taken optimism on face to face and brought balance back to the universe.
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I like to drown out optimism. To many shiny, happy, people around.
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Oooh! How did you get the snow??
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It is something in your settings. I think it only lasts from December 1 until early January, though.
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Thank you!!!!!
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No trouble. Enjoy the snow storm!
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I resolve to not make any resolutions… oh, crap!
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Yeah, I keep screwing that up. Just messing up my resolutions like usual.
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That pretty much nails it for all of us, I think. Happy New Year anyway.
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Yeah, and a Bitter New Year it will be .
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Excellent plan. Good luck with your dive into bitter despair.
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Bitter despair is what I do best.
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May all your new year’s resolutions come true!
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You know that never happens. Especially for someone like me.
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I hope 2018 will suck big time for you, so you don’t have to worry about everything going smoothly and wondering when sh*t will hit the fan!
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Oh, it will suck. I have every confidence that it will be a bad, cold bitter year.
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Priceless
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I wish it was, but there are prices for everything unfortunately.
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there you go!
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Yep, there I go…to the couch.
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Now those are some resolutions worth keeping! Cheers!
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I will work really hard to fail at these resolutions.
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I too like to stay close to home on New Year’s Eve. Wishing you the fine things in life Ben. Happy New Year.
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Fine things in life and I don’t mix. I only deal with bitter and disappointment.
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I will pile it on this year then. No need to thank me, it’s my pleasure.
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Great. So you are going to make me do stuff? That sounds like a year I don’t want to be any part of.
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lol!
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Yeah, it is funny to imagine me doing things.
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