Boom Roast Extras

/ bensbitterblog

I’m always giving instant feedback to pizza. 

Instant feedback is kind of a thing now a days. Each of us are now little businesses and personal brands and everything we do and say get instant analytics. We post a picture of our family and we get likes. We listen to a song on Spotify at work and all our friends that follow us know what song we are listening to. We buy something on Amazon and Facebook, Instagram and Google have little pixel elves that follow around the web and we give us ads for things we just looked at.

Back in my more innocent and still bitter younger days, I had to wait for feedback. I took a picture on a camera and I would have to wait 6 months until I completely finished the roll of film, and then a couple more weeks until I remembered to get the film processed. A few more days under the intense red lights and I would get my terrible, blurry, completely out-of-date picture that I would throw in a shoe box to collect dust for the rest of its sad, pathetic life. We were used to delayed feedback.

Then there was the clothing choices. I would get clothes on Christmas day.  I would be like, yeah, great new clothes. There were probably purchased at 1/2 price store, were probably not so flattering to my boyish figure and about 1 year out of the fashion of Sioux Falls, SD, which was four years behind NY and California. So cutting miles from the edge. I would have to wait like two weeks until school started back up before I would even know what kids thought. And of course, they were too busy praising other people to get around to me until mid April.

Back in the day, I would tell terribly unfunny jokes and I would have wait out, terribly uncomfortable moments of people completely ignoring them and cause my face to flush the same red as Valentine’s Day.

I know I’m not so funny. That is pretty evident by the comments given on this blog. But that is something that will change. Not so much the level of funny, but the feedback I will get. I will be hiring of crew of hangers on, brown nosers and constant laughers that constantly follow me around. They will think everything I say is funny, every roast I make is the best ever and every stupid decision the best I’ve ever made.

These guys will be following me everywhere.

The instant feedback starts right now. Every blog I post, every offhanded remark I make, every unfunny things I mention will get an, “OOOOHHHH, sick burn, Ben!”

No more will a bad pun fill an empty silence. No more will there be an uncomfortable silence when I talk to people. No more small talk with people on the elevator, break room, or salespeople at a store. No more Instagram photos going unliked, Facebook posts ignored, or bad decisions questioned.

Every terrible blog post I make will be published in the New York Times, every sentence I utter will go on the news and every time I make a good kill on Gears of War, it will make the nightime news. Get used to seeing this bitter face more than D. Trump’s everywhere in 2018, cause everything I do is going viral, people.

Bitter is going to be the theme of 2018.

I bet you all just can’t wait.

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Boom Roasted Ben

 

28 thoughts on “Boom Roast Extras”

  3. Can I apply on-line or would I actually have to meet you? My parole officer said it would probably be best for both of us if we never met. Also I would prefer only playing your lackey during daytime hours. Are weekends necessary? And do you offer a generous hiring bonus, paid time off, and a family health care plan? I have a great many skills. I can even help you set up your sofa as a real estate office S-Corp to help you save on taxes and launder all the money you make from this blog. Call me.

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