Seeing the Signs

/ bensbitterblog

I am seeing the signs.

One of the weird things I miss when not having a job was the crack of dawn (just kidding, way before that) drives on the freeway and the steering wheel punching drives home. You can just feel the stench of the city in the air, the hustle and bitter of drivers having a hard day, then getting to face an even more inenviable task of driving home with thousands of other angry drivers. It’s enough to get your bitter blood to boil.

The thing that sometimes breaks up the monotony of raising your fist at other drivers for making the same mistakes that you make on a regular basis, is the signs. The billboards, the spectacle, the wonder. Advertisers pay millions of dollars to capture your attention on the freeway, and businesses get those enviable spots so you will want to swerve off the road or write a phone number or website on your arm and buy their products and services. Some go out of their way to do things differently. And there is the occasional accident, or truck that inadvertently become part of the sideshow.

Yesterday as I was driving home, I saw two very different things, one to my right, one to my left. It was almost something drawn up in a terrible movie. You know in movies how they contrast the beautiful, serene, quiet scenery right before something terrible happens? This is what I was thinking as I looked to my right and my left. To one side, there was a gorgeous pink sky with clouds that looked like fluffy marshmallows. On the other side, a truck carrying missiles. I kid you not. I think there is a military base nearby. I know people say pics or it didn’t happen, and I do have them, but they are blurry and you would probably accuse me of the same thing as when hillbillies get pictures of UFO’s. Anyways, I promise you I saw a missile carrying truck right next to me.

Not quite the same size, but you get the point.

Do you know who Karl Malone is? Former NBA player here from the Utah Jazz. Anyways, as a way of incentivizing players to stay in towns, car dealerships will often give these guys their “own car lots”. Anyways, one of the signs I see while coming in everyday says, “Karl Malone’s Body…& Paint” If you had no idea this was a car body shop, you would think that Karl Malone was in the shop to paint your body.

Another funny sign I saw said 5’10 piano. I was thinking that if the piano grew about 8 inches in college, it could play in the NBA as a center of attention.

One sign for a fun center said I could meet a princess. I don’t know if that means Cinderella, Snow White or Rapunzel, or if it meant like Princess Kate is in town to go to the fun center.

I saw something that said Tent Heater. I always thought a tent heater was called the Bonfire you built earlier. But on the other hand, I was looking to burn down my tent so I wouldn’t have to go camping anymore, so maybe this would be a great thing for me.

I saw a sign that said Guitar Center Fitness. I guess some guitars seem to have a little too much bass and might want to lose a few,. Or maybe it was just that I saw a Guitar Center sign, and a 24 Hour Fitness sign just below it.

Some guitars would like to lose a little bass.

The last sign I saw, just before I got to work was a First Mile sign. Let me tell you, I wish it was the first mile and I was back home sleeping, but I am stuck here. Avoiding work and blogging about it.

Your turn. What are some of the crazy signs you see everyday coming to and leaving work? Any capture your attention or are you too busy cursing other people’s driving habits to notice? Lemme know in the comments.

ARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Sign Seeker Ben

 

34 thoughts on “Seeing the Signs”

  2. Great signs, BB!

    The signs I see on the Highway that crack me up are the ones that have words in ” “‘s that shouldn’t be in parentheses.

    Also, the digital overhead signs on the freeways (that are constantly changing) say funny things like:
    100 That’s the temperature. Not the speed limit. (I saw that one in July)
    Love yourself like Kanye loves Kanye. Buckle up.
    Get your head out of your apps. Drive safely.
    ETC.

    HUGS!!! 🙂

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  3. Saw this in Scotland many years ago: the word Library and right below Police. There was an arrow (that thingie above the period on a keyboard) pointing to the right. Made me wonder what the Library Police did. Maybe they take overdue books really, really seriously there?

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  5. I switched a 40-minute commute for an 8-minute commute six years ago, one of the few decisions I am not bitter about in my life. I saw many signs and sights on my longer commute, but I can’t remember any off hand. My current drive in happens in the dark, I don’t see much. On my ride home I am mostly focused on the taillights of the vehicle ahead of me. You can’t believe a little village like Ilion would go bumper to bumper, but so it is from 3 to 4 p.m. weekdays.

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  7. I don’t see it every day, but when I’m driving by a certain megachurch I see what is known regionally as “touchdown Jesus.” It’s a huge statue that you can see from the interstate. To be clear, Jesus isn’t scoring the touchdown, but is acting as an umpire with his arms raised straight up overhead.

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  8. I don’t see any signs. I drive an hour through stunning English countryside to work every single day. I’ve seen it at dawn, I’ve seen it at sunset, I’ve seen it in ethereal twilight, I’ve seen it at midday and in the starry, wintry night, and honestly, every single day it changes. It’s so, so beautiful (almost painfully so) and makes me contemplate things that are far above angry drivers – not that I don’t have in-car screaming matches with them! That missile truck is very depressing, but what an interesting contrast with pink fluffy clouds!

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