Drive by Comedian

/ bensbitterblog

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When I was in college, my best friend and I would go door to door to random girl’s apartments and knock. When they answered we would introduce ourselves and then try to make them laugh by telling them stupid puns. Every once in a while we would get a chuckle or a courtesy laugh, and they would invite in and we would chat for a little bit. Most of the time, though, they would look at us like we just stole Christmas(only did it that once), or punched a kid.

We would just pick ourselves off the ground, lick our funny bone wounds, and go to the next. At least my friend did. I have always had a hard time with rejection. I always take rejection personal, which honestly, how can’t it be personal? Anyways, as with all things that punish you, you learn how to adapt.

For instance, when I found out that I didn’t do well with confrontation, because I get all sweaty, and red faced and stuttery when faced with confrontation, I adapted by inventing the internet, so I could leave snide comments on people’s websites, or use email to saying really mean things then pretend I didn’t send it.

Excuse me, sir.

As funny as I think I am, my family does not. I always thought it would be awesome to be a stand up comedian. The only problem with that (other than not being funny), is that I don’t like to stand up in front of crowds, I have a bad stage presence, I have really bad comedic timing, I don’t like standing very long, the previously mentioned fear of rejection and maybe 1 or 10 more things.

So my way of adapting to being a stand up comedian, is that I have became a Drive By comedian. You get all the benefits of the possibility of laughter, while also getting the bail ability if the joke goes sideways. Also, if the joke goes right, you get to leave your audience satisfied and possibly even more. Then you can come back, tell another joke and repeat.

Here is how it works in a work environment. You are sitting there trying to avoid work while surfing the net, or leaving a comment on a blog posted on the internet I invented, and some co-workers are talking about something stupid and you happen to overhear it. You have all kinds of snide yet funny things to say, but you know your sarcasm and wit is two grade levels above your co-workers. So before you make a comment, you grab your water bottle that needs to be filled. You then walk over, interject into their conversation with your funny, witty comments and get them to laugh at a few things.

If on a rare occasion you actually get them to laugh, you raise you wittiness to another level. As soon as they start thinking it is too mean, sarcastic, or not funny, you leave and get your water, but before you leave for good, you give them your best material, and then dodge out of the room. Boom! They are left laughing and having to admit that you are the funniest person in the room.

Gotta get my water!

So this is how funny people like me (but only in small doses) should revolutionize comedy. The millennials created this new model. Everything should be done in bite sizes. Snapchat and Instagram Stories, short YouTube videos, Vines, Gifs that tell a story in 5 seconds. We all want entertainment in small doses.

Comedians don’t need half hour specials on Netflix. We just need 5 minute Snapchat comedy specials. Pretty soon, funny in small doses will be the future.

What do you think? Are you a drive by comedian, or a Louis CK? Do you command a room, or do you just command a few moments?

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Short Attention Spa…Ben

35 thoughts on “Drive by Comedian”

  2. It might be my French roots showing (I gotta make an appointment with my hairdresser), but I have a question. How can you be the funniest person in the room after you left it?

    *Confused, at best*

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  5. Great stuff! I’m always cut and run. I’ll say something I think is funny, leave asap and assume they enjoyed it. It’s a win/win! I think…

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  8. Well Ben, like other aspiring comedians (I could never summon the courage to face an audience – talk about a counter-intuitive move for a high functioning introvert!), I find myself either laughing uproariously, or being mad at myself for not thinking of that funny thing myself! Having grown up with comedy, I got the false idea that they (stand-ups) were the happiest people on earth when, in reality, it is often the polar opposite. I think Harry Shearer said something like, making people laugh was always a pre emptive strike against getting bullied. I like your posts in that they embrace a topic and you pull examples from your life in a matter-of-fact but funny way!

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    • Well, that is just the way it is going to have to be, because I can’t really lift stories from other people (that would be stealing!). Besides, I don’t know other people near as well as I know myself, and I am way too lazy to get to know other people very well.
      Maybe some day I will embarrass myself on stage, but only at the expense of others.

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