If People Were Named After Their Personalities Like Me

/ bensbitterblog

Uh…whoops.

I guess I should probably tell you that I finally got a job and just as there are perks (I get paid money to do things) there are also the regular non-perks. The main non-perk is the same non-perk that almost every other job has. Other people. If it wasn’t for that and the whole driving to get there thing, it might be actually worth doing. Anyways, we all have to deal with people, so we might as well blog about them right?

I imagine that for super intelligent people like you, it is pretty easy for you to imagine what I am like, because you know my name, Bitter Ben. You can probably imagine the look on my face when I wake up in the morning, when I eat my bland cereal, when I get dressed in my same old clothes, when a driver cuts me off, and when another abandoned construction site again makes me squeeze four lanes of traffic into two. It’s easy, because my mom and dad had the foresight to name me Bitter Ben.

My question is, “Why didn’t all parents have the foresight to name their kids right?” I wish all of them had, so we could just remember people’s names much better. If everyone was like that, this is how my mornings would go.

“Oh, hey, how is it going this morning, Walkstooclose? Did you want me to slow down so you can get by, and I can be less uncomfortable?”

“Actually yeah, sorry about that. It’s just that when I was a kid, I got separated from my mom in the grocery store and after that she started calling me Walkstooclose. Anyways, I was just going to help someone with their computer.”

 

“Hi, Laughsateverything, did you have a good weekend?”

“Holy Cow that is so funny. HAHAHAHHA! You will never believe what I did last night!”

“Watched a comedy?”

“HAHAHAH! No, I did some laundry. Isn’t that funny?”

“Yes, I would have you tell me more about that, but I have to get back to my desk, to uh, fall asleep filling out some excel files.”

“Oh my gosh, that is so funny! HAHAHAH!”

That is so funny!

“Hey, Bitter Ben. Can you believe what Trump said last night? And that scandal thing in the Gubernatorial Race? I can’t believe the amount of money we spend for defense in this country. And did you go to that rally last night?”

“Oh hey, Political Paul. No I had a thing at church last night. Didn’t catch all that.”

“Oh, my gosh, that is so offensive. You cannot barrage me with all your religious proselyting and all your religiousy stuff. You people are the worst. I mean seriously.”

“Hey guys, what are we talking about?”

“Nothing really, Pokeherheadineveryonesbusiness. I was just listening to Political Paul go ape nuts about something. Wasn’t really paying attention. You should repeat what you said to Pauline Pokeherheadineveryonesbusiness, Politcal Paul, while I sneak out to go to the bathroom and not return for 20 minutes.”

There you are!

“Hey how is it going Lateeverydayforwork?”

“Oh my gosh, traffic was the worst. There was this big pothole and my wife had a thing I had to take her to and the dishes never got done and my car was making this noise and I just couldn’t make it on time.”

“Oh that is crazy. I mean it must be hard to make it here by 10 am when you live 5 blocks away and you just got a new car and you had one dish in the sink. That must make it so hard to be on time. It probably has nothing to do with the angry customer that was going to call you at 9 this morning that I had to cover for you.”

My face exactly.

Are there any workers at your job, or at your church or at your political places, that you would rename if you had the chance? Hit me up in the comments.

ARRRRRGGGHHHHHHH

Bitter Renamer Ben

52 thoughts on “If People Were Named After Their Personalities Like Me”

  1. Pingback: #61 – HIP TO BE SNARK

  2. Well… I already call Booh Boss, well, Booh Boss. Just not in her face, though. I pretty sure you’d like her, I think she invented bitterness. Oh wait! Bitterness, or hatred for anything living..? I’m not so sure anymore… The rest of us, we’ve self-proclaimed a**holes, since that’s most probably what Booh Boss calls us, just not in our faces! A**shole in French is “Trou de cul” which we have shortened to TC, and added a number (because, in the company’s “mind” we ARE numbers after all!)… That makes me TC4, which I’ve come to find cool, because it sounds like the name of a Star Wars character!

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  3. Thank you for the giggles this afternoon! I am retired now and live in a small town, so I went from a large target environment of people to rename, to a smaller bunch. Funny how the smaller group has the same names that the larger group has…
    HeWhoLiesToYourFace
    SheThatMustSayTheLastWord
    TooNosyToTrust
    and my personal favorites:
    ThrowsTantrumsInPublic
    IsNeverWrong AboutAnything
    KeepAwayFromTheDog
    Do you know them, by chance?
    JLG

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  4. My least favorite person at my job is Procrastination Page. She never does things until the last minute and then panics and has to scramble to get shit done. Did I mention that I work alone? With myself? You’d think I’d learn. I’m hoping one day to get to work with Effervescent Emily. She sounds nice.

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  6. HA! This is funny! *snort* 😀
    It would sure make things a lot easier…we would know what we’re dealing with before we even get to know people. 😛
    I knew a lady who was Rulesdon’tapplytome Rebecca. She was the exception to every rule and would let you know about it and why she was the only one who didn’t have to follow the rule(s) Ack. :-/
    I would be Crazy Carolyn. But crazy in passionate, wild, silly, zany ways. Not in as nuttier than a fruitcake way(s). 😀 😛
    HUGS!!! 🙂

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  7. What name is appropriate for the guy who isn’t going to tell you how he would do that task if he were the one doing it instead of you, but here’s how he would do that task if he were the one doing it instead of you?

    Also without naming names because I can’t think of a good one but there’s the guy who’s way too enthusiastic about setting up a server to explain how to use it to serve anything.

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  9. I wish I could have a name like you, but it’s difficult to think up Z adjectives to go in front of Zack. Would I be Zany Zack? That’s just silly.

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  10. Brilliant post, Bitter. I was hooked on the workplace drama filled with characters so real they Complainabouteverything Candace, oh and then there’s Justonelastquestionbeforeweendthemeeting Justine. Let’s not forget IopenlyadmitthatIdoashittyjobaroundherebutnoonecaressofuckthemandfuckyoutoosubtly Ian. I can go on, just please say the word.

    Btw, great idea for a comedy series. Get to writing 🙂

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    • Maybe not for a comedy series, but definite potential for a comedy sketch on Saturday night live.
      It sounds like you have a huge list of characters where you work. At least when the grind gets to you, you can just imagine their names and maybe even say them out loud.

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  11. You certainly are bitter. But guess what, it gets worse with age. So not only will you be bitter but also sour. In fact you will become a dill pickle. With little growths on your green skin and inside seeds.
    Not much to look forward to but in the bitter end who will care. So, says the owl. Wise and sage and eaten by the hobo.

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  12. I know someone who I call Brad the Unhappy Lad. And I know someone else who I call Tony Bologna. Then of course, there’s Boozy Suzy. I probably have more, but those three come to mind. Wonder what they call me?

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    • Oh, I had bossthatwasshockedshebecameboss and it only took her three years to figure out what she was supposed to do. Needless to say, she didn’t have any idea what to do with me.

      And laughsateverything is the kind of person that would say “That isn’t funny. Not at all!” and then laugh after she said it.

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