I don’t know if you are having a car wash war where you guys live, but there must be some dirty cars around here. Yeah, there are mountains nearby here, so I assume some people drive around in their Jeep Cherokees for car commercials, but man, I had no idea so many people needed their cars washed.

I have an old Dodge Caliber with no automatics other than the drive. No automatic windows, no automatic locks, no automatic air conditioner and several “mysterious” dents on them. Even my wife thinks she’s slumming when she drives in it and she is reminded how much torture I go through every time I drive it. She had to drive it the other day, and told me she had to pull over, just so she could adjust the side view mirrors. She keeps telling me that next time we get me a car, it will have automatics on it.

Needless to say, I’m lucky if I get a car wash once every 8 to 10 years, or however long I have the car. So I am baffled at the amount of new car washes there are in the area. One particular car wash place near by is starting like 9 or 10 in the next few months. Already there is one down the road from us, and up the road from us. Pretty soon there will be one in our living room, and one in the dining room. I just wish they would put a Burger King in one so I could get a quality gut ache while I am washing my car.

The best part is that they name all these car washes after animals. One is the Quick Quack Car Wash, another is the Brown Bear. There is the Turtle Wax, the Octopus, the Elephant, Tiger and Cheetah. Just kidding about the Tiger and Cheetah. That sounds like a bad Law Agency.

What I want to know is how these owners think animals are better at washing cars than machines. Have you ever met a bear? I have and let’s be honest. Those things are lazy icons of mine. They literally take the whole winter off. I worship that about them. And they terrorize people during the summer. How cool of a life would that be? You know what I don’t think about bears doing? Washing freaking cars.

I don’t know much about ducks, except that they are pretty waterproof, and they swim in lakes and streams a lot. They quack a lot (a whole new language that we haven’t figured out how to translate) and have long beaks. I guess they could probably figure out how to use their wings to wash a car, but they swim in ditch water. They have webbed feet that would leave marks all over the glass. And they are always flying south for the winter, so what would happen to us when we wanted a car wash in December? That is when our cars get the dirtiest.

Octopuses could possibly be good with their multiple arms, but I’ve heard they aren’t very good at multi-tasking. At least in our office. They can’t seem to do more than one project. The other day, I asked one to change the printer ink and he just sprayed it all over. Another time I asked him to refill the cyan in the printer, and he filled it with black. Was I stuttering or something? And you think it is bad when they overfill the printer? How do you think that is going to go over with your just cleaned car?

Elephants might be a better choice. They work for peanuts, they are pretty good at vacuuming, and would be good at spraying water on your car. But the problem might be when they go to detail your car afterwards, they might end up smashing your car. Which would be great, because at least it would be nice and clean when you brought it to the junk yard. At least they would be good at helping you with the stuff in your trunk (because they have a trunk).

I wouldn’t go with a koala, despite what you might have seen in the movie, SING! starring Matthew McConaughey . Despite the fact that they dream more of show business, they just seem a little under-koalafied. Just saying.

Seems like we just need to name our car washes after things that make sense. Like Soapy McCarwash, or MachinyCleany. Naming them after animals that aren’t very good at cleaning makes me want to wash it myself. And we all know that doesn’t happen more than once a decade.

ARRRRRRGGHHHHHH

Bitter Car Wash Battles Ben