Lice-ense to Kill

/ bensbitterblog

Get ready to itch.

Just so you know, before you start reading this post, you are going to itch. It’s inevitable. So, get out your itching powder or whatever it is that you need before you start reading.

My family recently went back to Washington for a couple weeks. We didn’t bring gifts, we brought something much better. My daughter was infected and she brought it to share with everyone in Washington. We don’t know how much longer it will be before she is a zombie. I expect when they come home, she will decide to bite me or infect me somehow. Seems zombies remember their favorite relatives and try to bite them first. So I will probably be last, but will be bit nonetheless. If that is the case, expect the content on this blog to change slightly.

Actually, she got lice. And it freaked her out. Not sure why bugs crawling in your hair would freak you out at all. They told me to look out for bugs in my hair, but then they asked, “Wait, what hair?” I think if lice like a nice deep hair style to imbed themselves with, then my hairs, or whatever is left of them, are just as good of a host as I am. In other words, not a good one at all.

She did share her plague with her two cousins, one which was getting married, and her future husband, because that is what you need to prepare for the week of your wedding, not cakes, flowers, and other wedding things.

Luckily, there is a comb that allows you to pick out the nits, or what they like to call a nitpicker. Insert obvious joke here for anyone in your life who likes to micromanage the nits in your life.

So my wife became the 007 to lice. She had a lice-ense to kill and she took her spy duties seriously. For 8 hours, she murdered lice and nit, after lice and nit. She chocked them, strangled them, drowned them in shampoo, and shot them with tiny lice bullets. For 8 hours, she destroyed lice town after lice town, leaving nothing in their wake. She even went into the big bosses hideout, left a big bomb in the hideout, and walked out Jane Bond style and watched as his hideout exploded in a fury of a fire and brimstone.

Walking into the lice headquarter and walking out Jane Bond style.

Luckily, she told me about every last deathtale, so I could itch in fear of all the things she was going to do to any of the lice that dared touch one of the hairs on my head. She told me that she was going to do a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse, and doghouse in the area. She was going to destroy on lice who dared to live or breathe on any piece of clothing, bedding, hard surface or soft surface in the house. No lice, bedbug, spider or nit would be left when she was finished. There is no Harrison Ford of the lice world. No negotiation, no escape, just instant death.

I’m pretty sure the entire population of lice is gone.

Either that or they have been nitpicked to death.

ARRRRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Get Ready to Itch Ben

47 thoughts on “Lice-ense to Kill”

  1. Pingback: Actually, she got lice – GAGArapido

  2. I once brought a horde of sand fleas home from Mexico. Luckily, I live in Canada and they all froze to death but not before alienating my entire family who scratched for days and refused to talk to me for weeks … bit of a bonus, there!

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  4. UGHS!!! šŸ˜¦
    But, HA! (okay, lice are not funny…the way you wrote this IS! šŸ˜€ ) YAY for your wife!
    HA! And another time when being hairless is a plus!
    When I taught Kindergarten in the San Fransisco Bay Area (Marin County) some of the children in our school got lice every year. So we had to do head checks and then send them home. If I just THINK about doing the head checks, I get all itchy. :-/
    I was told that lice like to hang in certain plants and if you are exposed to those plants, you might get them. A friend’s kid got them once from a bird nest. Ack. :-/
    HUGS!!! šŸ™‚ for the UGHS!!! šŸ˜›

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  6. I had bed bugs once. That was enough for a lifetime.

    I had my itching event three weeks ago when something bit me 15 times on my back. The next day, I wanted to scratch myself raw. So, I’ll pass on itching today, thankyewverymuch.

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  9. Is it safe in here? Because I feel like people think I must be a louse sometimes the way they always want to nit-pick ME. I try hard to not be a louse. But sometimes I feel like I need to find a deep, dark, sc-hairy forest to hide in. I wish you well, and hope for your survival when the nit-pickers tire of or run out of their own nit-twitter-y and focus their scrutinies upon you.~DM

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  10. As the parent of a lice magnet who has had lice 20 times since she was 4 (I’d never once dealt with lice until that first time she came home with it, I was 40). I appreciate you putting a funny spin on what is a hellish experience.

    Lice- the bitterest pill of all. Because there is no pill for it.

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      • Dude, everyone should suffer through lice at least once. It humbles you and also, makes you question even leaning in close to another person, full head of hair or a few hairs. Zombie virus is nothing compared to the new super lice. If your wife has to contend with that as I have…she has earned her bitterness.
        Like roaches, one has to ponder what ecological purpose a louse/lice serves. Perhaps to test our sanity? In which case, anyone treating for it is likely a step from a tin foil hat and talking about leprechauns River Dancing on scalps.
        It’s that bad.

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        • I agree. Everyone should suffer. As a bitterperson, I believe everyone should suffer and I should watch.
          Oh and also yeah, everyone should also suffer with lice as well. Except me.

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  11. A close friend of our recently had a bad infestation of bed bugs and so we did research to help them get rid of them. I would say they are actually SO much worse than lice! Be grateful you didn’t have them. šŸ˜› Some of the fun facts of bed bugs: 1. The only thing that gaurantees their removal is an expensive heat treatment of your home or room where they are. They heat the house to 180 degrees for several hours to dehydrate them. (There are videos of this process you can watch on YouTube…..Fascinating AF!!) Fun Fact #2: BB’s don’t need a male to reproduce. Isn’t that great?? šŸ˜›

    Hope you get rid of the lice soon. I had it as a kid when I shared a locker with a friend in school. After that I wasn’t allowed to share my locker with anyone. šŸ˜€ (Now the treatment is a bit easier to deal with. I also worked in the school system here for a few years and learned there is certain sprays you can put on your scalp to discourage lice from hanging on. Our teachers used it all the time. šŸ™‚

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  14. We don’t have lice, but I like your wife. I am on the same mission, to kill every flea in the tristate area……….:)

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  16. I want to cleverly revise the Taken speech for your wife but I don’t think my caffeine has kicked in yet… “I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom I can tell you I don’t have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career [as a mother]. Skills that make me a nightmare for [bugs] like you. If you let my daughter[and cousins] go now that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you, but if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you.”

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