Remember last weekend when I told you about my life in crime? When I was the most wanted driver in three states? Well, I guess all that crazy driving paid off.

An old couple in my neighborhood got wind of my excellent driving skills(or maybe they just heard I was unemployed at the moment) and called to hire me as a driver. They can’t get around very well, and have been told by their inferiors (their kids) to stop driving, so they got rid of their car. They haven’t heard of Uber or Lyft (and probably saw Lyft and thought it was pretty irresponsible to spell Lift wrong) and started hiring regular people they know to drive them around.

Since I am lame and barely ever leave the couch to do anything but pizza, I had to tell them I was available. They called me on Friday night and said they had a bunch of chores to do on Saturday, and asked if I would drive them to places and such.

So I got up bright and early and dressed in my best uniform (shorts and a T-shirt) drove my limo (my Dodge Caliber with no A/C)  over to their house, and picked them up. They were of course not ready, so I got to hear about who they were. They were in their mid 80’s, had a hard time getting around, and they wife was a concert violinist. I guess that mean she was good or something? They also lived in Seattle, and New York, and Utah, all three place which I have lived before. Weird.

And they also told me that they needed to go to Allen’s Camera and the mall. I also coincidentally needed to go to those to places. So they fed me a gormet breakfast of Instant Breakfast and off to the races we went. And by off to the races, I mean we drove exactly the speed limit or lower, because there were a lot of bumps in the road.

Somehow, we made it the whole time without getting a speeding ticket, which as you you know, is a miracle for me, with me being on the 10 most wanted speedsters in the country.

Later that night, I went to see a fantastic show about a wheel man named Baby. He was hired by a crime lord guy in Atlanta who ran bank robberies and he was an amazing speed/stunt driver who had an amazing ability to drive. He would speed through the streets of Atlanta, avoiding cops, people, cars and other borders. After the show, I was so inspired by his amazing stunt driving, that I drove that way home. No cops could catch me, and I found a way to get into an underground parking garage, before they knew I had stolen a second refill of soda without the movie workers could stop me.

This got me to thinking. Maybe Uber and Lyft, taxis and limos have the market saturated with drivers who can get you places safely and without incident. But there is a whole market out there that hasn’t been filled.

The market for people that don’t want to get to their destination safely. They want to be in danger on their way. Or they want to get their fast. Or they want an experience like a roller coaster ride. They want cops chasing them, bullets to be riddling their car as they duck in the back seat, or they just want to rob a bank and be able to have someone else drive them around, so they can worry about their banking, instead of the ride.

I shall call my new service, Speedster. Or Stuntster. Either way, the service costs a little more than your average Uber, or Lyft, but it is totally worth it for you thrill junkies. Just make sure you are ready to jump in the car, through a window, and get ready to duck and scream a lot, because it will be the ride of your life.

And make sure you tip your driver one of those stacks of money that you steal, because he or she is keeping you safe (from others).

ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter Baby Driver Ben