Last night when I was playing video games, I was having a tough go of it. It wasn’t that I was having a particularly hard time against the enemies I was facing. By now, I’ve destroyed thousands of them using my many techniques, tactics and weapons. I know their tendencies like I know bitterness.

It wasn’t that I had weak weapons, or no ammo, or even really bad armor. The enemy was giving me a hard time, because it was both familiar and unpredictable. This enemy has taken over my life. It has been so pervasive, omnipresent, and all knowing that I have started to not know how to live without it.

No, it isn’t air. I can chill without a breath every once in a while.

Nope, not food. I’ve gone a whole week without pizza before. It was a painful week, but somehow I survived.

No, even more essential. I’m talking about the Wi-Fi.

I can handle all the other things in the game, but when the Wi-Fi is spotty, there is nothing I can do about it. I can’t be faster, because the Wi-Fi slows me down. I can’t be smarter, because the Wi-Fi makes the enemies the same, but me dumber.

No matter how good I am, the spotty Wi-Fi is giving cheat codes to the enemies.

It’s like a drug. I used to get dial-up and I should have been fine with it. I was able to do things online. I could look at websites. But it wasn’t enough. Now I need it faster, so i can have more than one tab open. So I can look at all my useless emails, so I can be on my phone and computer and Netflix all at the same time. And I must be able to play video games with huge amounts of graphics and gameplay and online with 3 other people and chat with them at lightening speeds.

That is how they get you. Then when even a minor glitch happens, you are raging at the screen.

Can you imagine if somehow there was a power outage? How would we survive? We would still have air, that’s not a problem. We would still have food. I think there are still berries in our backyard that we could pick. We would still have water. I hear the oceans and Pur filters still exist, but what if the Wi-Fi went out. Could you all survive without it? My phone would be reduced to only being a phone. My kids sure couldn’t survive. And you better believe I couldn’t. I would have to actually write all these blogs down and then hand deliver them to all 10,000 of you. Talk about the worst road trip ever.

And worst of all, it would make it really hard to play video games. I guess there are some games that don’t require Wi-Fi, but they are the worst. And they wouldn’t work very well without power either.

Please, whoever is in charge of Wi-Fi, don’t ever cancel it. Because I would just be a little ball of bitterness, rocking myself to insanity in the corner of a crazy house, and you would be my bitterest enemy.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Wi-Fi Ben