I’m on Instagram from time to time and all I see are all these things that stupid people are doing. Like active things, out doing stuff, going places. Obviously we need more people to just take pictures of themselves just sitting down, doing lazy things. As I wrote in a previous post, I am going to do way more photos, now that I have a GoPro, of me doing nothing, being lazy, sitting on the couch, etc.
But now I’m seeing all these things that are happening in the summer. There’s E3(the big video game conference), ComicCon, VidCon, CES, CVX Live, PAX, Botcon, and Coachella. All these gatherings of people doing stuff, dressing up, buying things. For some reason I haven’t been invited.
Not sure why other than I am not famous, not an influencer, not rich, don’t have the time, not in the industry, don’t have any vacation time, or have a ticket or any reason to attend them. I find this highly and bitterly offensive. Just because I wouldn’t want to come to your stupid event, because I don’t care about it, doesn’t mean that you should not be inviting me to come, with tickets and airline and hotel and a stipend to attend it. Let’s start realizing how little I would mean to an event and start inviting me anyways.
Since that will never, nor should it ever happen, I am just going to not do stuff and sit at home. Also, I’m going to find some highly ambitious people that are good at starting events and start my own. I will just tell them things to do and they will do it, because it is fun to do things lazy and bitter people ask you to do.
In other words, either this summer, or Summer 2052, I’m officially starting my own convention, BitterCon. Just like the others, there will be high prices, crappy food, sweaty people dressed up in costumes, little to no reason to come. There will also be fights breaking out, despite there being plentiful security guards sitting around sleeping to break them up.
There will be all kinds of great things to do, but not at my convention. We will build this week long event up to be nothing short of amazing, only to be way short of amazing. There will be huge promises made of many amazingly famous people attending the conference, only to them suing us because they weren’t even contacted about going. This will of course, bring much publicity to the conference, only to disappoint everyone involved.
There will be all kinds of fake merchandise being sold as authentic, autographed, and one of a kind, when it is only really just stuff we found in the garbage. Of there won’t be any refunds, returns or any sort of customer service to help you in any way.
Because of all these things, we anticipate not only a huge following this year, but next year as well. It will be something that you will have nightmares about when you are sitting at your desk thinking about when you are on your couch, and talking about with all the friends you don’t have.
We will of course have the wackest of accommodations and the worst of weather planned as it is on December 25th(I’m pretty sure no other events are happening that day). So bring your warmest coats, your bitterest frowns and your thickest wallets, because it is going to be an event you will soon forget.
Welcome to BitterCon 2017,
ARRRRRGGGHHHHH
Bitter Event Planner Ben
I love it when people make fun of celebrity/social media whores on Instagram by copying their ridiculous photos only in their bitter average way. I think it would be hilarious if you just took selfies on the couch with your bae pizza and etc. Or when you’re playing video games, caption it as, “I’m so lucky to be living an adventurous life without having to leave my couch.” #blessed
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You have no idea how much I want to do that. But no one would follow that.
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Sounds like my kind of bitter disappointment. Count me in.
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You will be disappointed as you should expect. Welcome to Bitterfest 2018.
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Do you need a talent booker for Bitter Con? I think by then I can volunteer my services. Cons make me bitter. Why, you might ask? Well, they cost big bucks. Then if you want to meet your favorite celebrity, you have to stand in line for hours like the world’s largest cattle call just to get 2 seconds and a handler to push you along. Oh, you could pay 200 for a picture. What’s not to like?
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I’m looking for someone to be the world’s most famous bitter people, and since you seem to be one like me, you probably have what it takes to find bitter talent. Plus, that frees me up to not doing anything.
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I will start looking. I am certain they won’t be hard to find. I will just hang out near TMZ.
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Ahhh… Too bad. I have an appointment to get an ingrown nail removed on Dec. 25th! It should be pretty infected by then, so I should be in for quite a ride at the doctor’s… Probably not as much fun as Bittercon, but I’ll have a thought for you guys… If I think about you.
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I think that whenever people think about ingrown nails, they should think about Bittercon. That or getting tortured or having teeth pulled.
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I will purchase a table, be a no-show due to Christmas, be bitter about losing the money for the table and my “fans” will be bitter at me for not showing up. This is a great idea. I can’t wait to disappoint.
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You will be a perfect vendor for the show. I can’t wait to get your $500 non refundable deposit.
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It doesn’t matter how many warning I get, I’ll be there in the bitter cold with all of the hope in the world that this time, this time, all of my dreams will come true.
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And knowing that dream will never come true. I keep having winning lottery dreams and that is just uncool.
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Winning lottery dreams just suck!
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I know right? When you wake up you are like so depressed because you were ready to spend some mad doucots on some things.
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So, does that mean I’m invited?
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You are invited of course. It’s right in your backyard.
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I think he had forgotten to tell you this thing is happening at your house. Please have chips and salsa and something with protein. I don’t want to be hangry as well as cold. Thanks!
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Yeah, Marissa, we need something good to eat.
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I am bitter about Instagram as well. Everyone’s life is so much better than mine.
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Mine is way worse. And I’m trying to tell everyone all about it through Instagram. Sometimes I even take blurry pictures to show how much I care.
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That is just about perfect. I bet you could make #bitterlife a trending hashtag
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I’ll work on that. I think by the end of next year it will be trending with two people.
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Sorry, Ben, but this Con has already been done, too. #FyreFestival
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Ours in on purpose though. I just read about this and it sounds awesome. Especially the price to get people there. Why didn’t I think about all this?
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Sure, sign me up for BitterCon20XX, send me cash and gift certificates and travel vouchers good to go anywhere, and I will not come to your convention. Instead, I’ll cash in everything and keep the fat stack of cash, like any proper self-respecting human being should be expected to. And then my children and my wife will promptly pick my pockets and “help me” spend that. If you include gift certificates for food they’ll also eat that for me, because they want to help me with my diet plan. Instead of attending your convention I can take a few naps and search for fast food crumbs left by the family, unless they publish a list of things they “need” me to do “right now,” in which case I’ll procrastinate until they threaten and sigh and accuse me of hating them all. So, thank you for planning such a lovely, bitter event. I anticipate it’ll be a smashingly bitter success. ~ DM
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I’m sure you will be there in your nightmares though. And that is what I’m counting on.
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NNNOOOOOoooooooo!!!!!! Another boring dream where I do nothing I want, at a place I don’t want to go, spending money for bad food and things I don’t like/need/want, and lame, awkward group activities and training sessions I know already? The horror!! YOU MONSTER!!!!
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Yeah, those are some great nightmares to have. Sometimes, I have dreams about there being rainbows and unicorns everywhere and I wake up in a cold sweat.
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Oh, no, I hope this didn’t go into your spam folder, you need to see this.
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What do I need to see?
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ck your spam folder. You don’t really NEED to see it.
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I don’t have any spam folder. Did you send it to my email?
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I’m bitter because I don’t really get Instagram (I get it but I don’t understand it) and I feel like I should be into it so folks will know I am into something.
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You should totally get it. It’s like pictures that you do of stuff and then you make people follow you and like your photos. Then some people get famous from it.
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I should be able to do that! That’s simple enough.
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You know, that is a great way to get famous, if you are either a model or a famous person already.
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haha! Sign me up! I don’t have a thick wallet, but I do own a winter coat and a wicked, sarcastic tongue. I hope I still meet the eligibility criteria.
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You meet the eligibility as long as you are human and you have money to attend. If you are willing to make a fool out of yourself and dress up as something terribly funny for me to laugh at, even better.
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Well it is payday today, this is my best chance at being rich. You provide the alcohol/caffeine/water and I’ll provide the foolery.
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Payday is my least rich day. I get to turn that money over my wife and kids and then when they spend it all they give me an allowance of what may or may not be left over.
I’ll provide the tap water. From the neighboring gas stations bathroom.
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