Elevator Problems

/ bensbitterblog

 

The other day I was talking about Netflix and I mentioned Die Hard being one of my all time favorite movies. From the fact that it really is a Christmas movie, to the fact that I currently have Bruce Willis hair that he had in that movie, to the unbelievable amount of lines in the movie I can still quote, “Shoot the Glass” etc., to the amount of ways that John McClane took a whole host of terrorists down with no shoes on, make it an all time classic that people are still trying to duplicate(even Die Hard sequels tried).

You know how strong your senses are and you can capture a smell(like chocolate chip cookies) and can be transported to your grandma’s house? For me, it is a sound. I recently started working in a place that is on the fifth floor and since I’m lazy I take the elevator. And a sound I haven’t heard since Die Hard is the ding the elevator makes when it hits its floor.

Every time I hear it, I expect that explosion that Bruce had to duck when the elevator went off.

He’s saying elevator SHHAAAFT!

Amazing how that sound can bring you back 29 years. That got me thinking, “What do elevators do when they aren’t transporting people at light speed between floors?”

The elevator in this building is a girl. I know because she announces in such a sweet and tame manner that I am on floor B1.  She does her job quickly and efficiently. Usually she reaches me within a minute and has me to the bottom or top of the building between 1 and 5 seconds.

She does it for probably a hundred or two hundred people a day, so what does she do in her off time. You know, when people are all bitterly sitting at their desks for the day. Or when everyone leaves for day?

What happens when we aren’t annoying the heck out of them?

WHAT. DOES. SHE. DO?

I wonder if she and the other elevators take 15 minute breaks and pretend they are broken if someone tries to get on.

I wonder if they try to go up and down really fast to get their stomaches all fluttery.

Maybe they push each other like a swing back and forth on their cables.

Or maybe they take naps like I would do constantly.

Maybe their have really strict supervisors and they have to stay on the bottom floor until someone summons them.

Maybe they are envious of their friends that work in tall buildings like the Sears Towers or the Empire state building. Maybe they are envious of their friends that work in a mansion that has elevators.

Maybe they make prank calls with their phones to security officers all day.

Maybe they have employment agencies that place them in hotels, or high rise buildings or casinos, or old abandoned mine shafts.

Maybe they have Netflix on their TV screens and watch that all day.

Maybe some of the make pictures from all their buttons like some residents do.

I wonder if some of them are afraid of heights or the dark, and don’t like going to the top floor, or worse, B4.

I wonder if some of them like to entertain their customers by making going really fast to the top and making their customers stomach do flips.

I don’t know what they do all day. I assume that a movie will be done about them someday. Like the Secret Life of Pets style animated movie. And we will all laugh, or make snide remarks.

So, question, what do you think they do all day? Tell me in the comments. 

ARRRRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Elevator Ben

38 thoughts on “Elevator Problems”

  3. LOL I love this. I had never given a thought about elevetors’ feelings, and I have to thank you for doing it! If they do in fact have feelings and thoughts, I must have the most depressive and envious of others, elevator at work. It can only go from ground to first floor and back. Come to think of it, I am pretty sure it is depressive, because it is always out of service. I suspect repetitive suicide attempts!

    Your post reminded me of one I wrote a while back… About a very lonely sign they planted in the front yard of my work building….

    https://cyranny.wordpress.com/2016/11/09/loneliest-meeting-point/

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    • Yeah, I guess elevators and other objects have feelings too right? Time to start acknowledging them too. I guess a lot of them probably get depressed and think about dropping to the bottom, but the stupid cables keep them from ending it all. Lemme check out your post about a lonely sign.

      Liked by 1 person

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  4. DieHard is one of my favorite Christmas movies. I think elevators probably nap and complain when they are not working. Sometimes they complain when they are working, as do I. However, I find the other suggestions intriguing and wish they would be true. Yippee-Ki-Yi-Yay… etc.

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  7. Well, let me first say that I am very interested to know what is happening on before…
    I love Die Hard, I watch it so often the Hubster is sick of it. During the month of December I watch it once a day…okay, sometimes twice a day.
    I think elevators probably actually watch that movie in their off time because they want to make sure they know what to do if Bruce Willis ever comes for a visit!

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  8. Loved this post – it reminds me of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy bit about elevators 😀

    “Well,” the [elevator’s] voice trickled on like honey on biscuits, “there’s the basement, the microfiles, the heating system . . .er. . .”
    It paused.
    “Nothing particularly exciting,” it admitted, “but they are alternatives.”
    “Holy Zarquon,” muttered Zaphod, “did I ask for an existential elevator?” He beat his fists against the wall.
    “What’s the matter with the thing?” he spat.
    “It doesn’t want to go up,” said Marvin simply. “I think it’s afraid.”
    “Afraid?” cried Zaphod. “Of what? Heights? An elevator that’s afraid of heights?”
    “No,” said the elevator miserably, “of the future….”
    “The future?” exclaimed Zaphod. “What does the wretched thing want, a pension plan?”
    (http://deceth.com/more-quotes-from-the-hitchhikers-guide-to-the-galaxy/)

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  9. I am very claustrophobia and will wait endlessly for another soul to come along so that I don’t have to take the elevator alone. I imagine the elevator is thinking what a geek, a nerd, a coward…a very bitter elevator!

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  10. May I present to you the idea to watch the movie “Down”? Or maybe in the US it’s known as “The Shaft” (no no, it’s not porn, it’s just a suiting title for a terrible film). I think this film might answer some of your elevated questions (couldn’t resist).

    Also, I’ve been away for a while, but: congrats on the job! 🙂

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      • I should read back to see what kind of job you’ve landed, but I had so many blogs and posts to read back I’m afraid I haven’t done that yet.

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        • Don’t worry about me, Ben.
          I am happy you found a job! I hope it’s something that enhances your bitter feelings so you can blog a lot about it 😉

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        • Oh yeah, I was just excited to get the job, so I could have something new to be bitter about. Anyways, I am a content writer for an educational software company. It is cool, but temporary. I would like to make it permanent, so we’ll see!
          And of course I worry about you, even if you don’t want me to.

          Liked by 1 person

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