This last weekend, as in all weekends, it is my goal to not do things and lay on the couch as long as possible. This weekend, I epic failed. I was asked by some relatives to help them move. So I figured I would do that as fast as possible and then move…back to the couch.

When we got there, they weren’t quite ready to go. So they offered me food, which I so generously accepted and ate as much as possible, because food and I have a good thing going. Then when we finally got to it, I realized it wasn’t going to just be a quick move boxes from here-to-there job. This was more of a “clean out a room called a ‘dungeon’ project”. It was a Harry Potter room (not a magical one, but the one under the stairs) that hadn’t been looked at for years.

There was dust and old dead bugs. I didn’t mind that stuff. What I did mind was that there was really bad Wi-Fi there.

I had my phone in my pocket in case of emergency. I’m not talking about my kids calling for a medical emergency. And I wasn’t worried about the house burning down. I was more worried about when I would get the latest update on my Tsum Tsum app and making sure I didn’t miss the latest things on Twitter and Instagram.

Anyways, while I was so urgently lifting boxes, I had my little computer in my pocket, making sure that no box was touching my phone. After several hours of carrying really dense plastic toys from the dungeon to the other part of the basement, I heard a call on my wife’s phone. I rushed up to grab it(because she was doing the really hard work of organizing) and just missed the call. It was my son calling about some emergency (birthday party rundown) so I tried to call him back. It was busy. Usually when my wife doesn’t answer her phone, they try to call me.

When I looked down at my phone, horror struck. No, it wasn’t because the kids were calling, but the symbol in the upper right corner. The one that said 9%.

My phone is always thirsty. I swear I can go longer without food, than my phone can go without charging. Same with my laptop. I swear my electronics ask for juice more than my kids ask for soda. And they ask for soda all the time (another of the things my son asked me about on my dying phone.

You would think for all the freaking technology crammed into my phone and laptop, they could figure out how to make a battery last forever, or at least 8 hours without being charged. I’m not calling this thing a smartphone until he can figure that out.

Since I forgot to bring a charger, because I thought we would be only be a few minutes, I actually had to shut Smarty Smart Pants down before he shut down himself. I may be lazy but at least I can charge myself. This thing depends on me. And that isn’t a good thing.

ARRRGGGGHHHHH

Bitter Not So Smart Phone Ben