Hey people, as you know I am in the epic struggle known as trying to find a job. Since no company seems to want to hire me (can’t understand why there is not a huge bidding war for a bitter office guy), I’ve decided that I need to start making up jobs and then making people hire me to do them.
As I was driving to another hopeless and failed interview yesterday (and Instagramming it all the way…Follow bensbitterblog on Instagram soon if you want to see it in Instagram story form) I was thinking of what I could do and I came up with a new job that I will force other people to pay me for. It is simply this. I will be a job interview agent.
Tell me more about yourself.
It goes a little something like this. You sit at home, applying for jobs all day, secure an interview for yourself, and then set the date. Then you call me up, wire the money to me right away, and then I go to the interview for you. I show up in a suit, 5 minutes late, I shake the interviewers hand with my sweaty hand. I answer questions about what I want to make of myself in 5 years, and tell an inappropriate story just as I am leaving to give them a great impression. I do research about all the other candidates and tell the interviewer all about their flaws and how they always show up late, or they are big distractions, or how their previous co-workers couldn’t stand them. Then, as I am leaving, I say, yes my name is Bitter Ben and I look forward to meeting with you again.
They look at me confused and say, “Oh, that’s weird, I thought I was interviewing Bryan Cheater.” I walk out. Bryan Cheater walks in right after me and says, “Hi, I’m Bryan Cheater.” They look confused, but Bryan Cheater already looks good compared to all the other candidates, including the train wreck they had just previous to them. Bryan Cheater gets the job, even though he is insanely underqualified, because Bitter Ben just made the squeamish about everyone else but Bryan Cheater.
Not only does Bryan Cheater have a job, but now he has way more money than he did before, and 15% of his paycheck gets sent to Bitter Ben Holdings, a private company out of the Cayman Islands.
In addition, Bryan and the interview guy share a bond about this absolute train wreck of guy they interviewed once and all Bryan’s many flaws are looked past because of how lucky they feel that they didn’t hire any of those other weirdo’s.
It works out for all of us. I get to do what I do best (fail miserably) and you get to do what you do best (exploit miserable failures). So who wants to sign up?
ARRRGGGHHHHH
Bitter Interview Fail Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
This is far from an answer to your problems but this site is about helping people show their experience. The idea is simple: we work as a team as to help one another gain experience in their field of interest. Please feel free to check out our blog site noxpnecessary.wordpress.com for our “undersconstruction” place of discussion or noxpnecessary@gmail.com to get more information if you would like 🙂
Keep on going!! – Vikki
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Thanks for letting me know about it. It sounds interesting and I will check it out.
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Also, please feel free to leave feedback 🙂 we would LOVE to know how things appear to our subscribers and what they find most useful/ where they would appreciate more focus.
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Of course.
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I’ll try this, if I ever get a call back.
Great write-up (but I think you know that already!)
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Yeah, getting a call back is the hardest part of the whole process. Trust me, you will look good after I go in there for you.
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Reblogged this on boudicabpi2015.
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Pingback: Guest Post: Ben’s Bitter Blog | The Perks of Being an Artist
hey there’s a job that you can have and you get paid big time it’s in pinedale wyoming and it’s a paint industry
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I don’t know if they would want me painting their houses. I’m kind of a zig zaggy painter. But I could help someone else a job, by being an interviewer agent.
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no it’s making paint not painting houses it’s pretty cool how to make paint
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That sounds cool too, but I have a much better gig laying on the couch and doing nothing.
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you get paid 50 an hour
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Whoa that is a lot, but I think laying on the couch is so much better and bitter.
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If you ever want to branch out into Canada, I’d be perfect to represent your firm.
I’ll show up totally inappropriately dressed (and by that I mean I’ll be wearing a Trump baseball hat), and smelling like stale wine.
I’ll get to help people get jobs AND drink copious amounts of wine.
Win/win
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Or wine/wine as you might say. I would definitely need a Canadian branch. I hereby place you in charge of Canada, and all its islands, etc. Do me proud. Especially in the Yukon Territories.
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It is my honour, and my new life’s mission to do right by these objectives.
Wow – it this what purpose feels like? It’s weird.
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I wouldn’t know. I haven’t figured out what purpose is yet. And I hope you get help from your friends Terrance and Phillip in your new responsibilities.
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I think you have a gold mine right there, chief. I can see this going global. Before you know it, you will be the scion of a multi-national corporation making big bank. Do it.
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I believe I will be the best of the best of criminals on Wall Street. I will go down as one of the biggest Wall Street crooks since Bernie Madoff.
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That is something to aspire to, Ben. Then you can have HBO make a movie about your rise to power.
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My rise to power and my bitter fall and slow death in prison. I will still be bitter blogging in prison of course.
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Wouldn’t expect anything less…
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It would at least make a good HBO show.
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I will write it. We will both exec produce.
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And if we make money on the show, we get tons of money right?
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Yes! We will be living in style
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A mansion that says bitterness on it? An indoor basketball court that has the bitterness logo on it? A movie theater that only plays bitter movies?
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I am in charge of that theater.
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No, cause all you would do is show scary movies.
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LOL. No. I am more than carnage and mayhem. I can bring the bitter. Anything that has Brad Pitt in it or one of the other pretty boys.
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I’m afraid I would have to insist that you bring more than Brad Pitt. I’ll need a little Anna Kendrick too.
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Groovy. Can we throw in George Clooney, most superheroes in tights….that would bring the total bitterness.
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That would bring all the bitterness to me for sure. We can bring Superheros in tights, as long as they are female superheros.
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We will just throw in all of the XMen, Avengers, Fantastic Four into the mix. This makes me really bitter. Then we will show all of the Ocean’s films. I love Bitterness Theaters.
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Bitterness theaters just needs some stale popcorn and some candy that sucks and it will be a sensation amongst the bitter people.
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Of course charge 50.00 for that privilege.
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It’s not just a movie theater, it is a bitter experience.
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Dude. I’m gonna try that in my market. If it works, I’ll give you like a 0.69% cut.
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I’ll be rich. I’m sure you will be swimming in money in no time.
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I’ve always wanted a pool. This is sounding better and better.
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I also want a pool. Though I don’t want to have anything to do with maintaining it, because it is all kinds of work.
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Bleh. There will be buckets of money to hire a poolboy, though!
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I will probably hire a pool girl, but yeah, you are right.
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The INTJ in me admires the brilliance of this proposal, but abhors the lack of ethics. 😉 Hopefully your shrewdness will impress one of your interviewers soon!
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I admire that you found it brilliant. Trust me I would rather have a job, so I could start talking about things that make me bitter about my job instead.
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I know the feeling Bitter Ben. It is tough as I am trying too. Keep trying is all perhaps I can say. Blessings and good luck!!☺
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But trying is so hard. Can we just chill and a job just come to us?
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I wish too!! I wish!!!☺
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I know right? Why don’t all my dreams come true? Oh yeah, because I’m bitter.
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Ingenious but way too much prep work
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I wouldn’t be doing any prep work at all. But I’m guessing you are talking about the person that would hire me.
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If you need a female person for you know… The female job interviewees, I’m your man! No wait, I meant woman.
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I actually do need a female for that. I just had another person comment that I would probably not be able to do a female interview for her, so you are hired. I know you have the correct amount of contempt for interviewing.
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Yay! I also have a lot of experience not getting hired, so I’ll be perfect for the job (to speak in paradox)
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I know around and around. But yes, I think we need to start the agency. You do the females, I will handle the males and we will make lots of people lot of jobs. And that will be our job.
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I feel your pain. My employer will be moving out of state soon, and although I was invited to follow, I declined. So it’s the epic struggle for me, as well. And I HATE interviewing… Maybe I can be your female counterpart. Not sure you could pass for Brianna Cheater…
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Oh my gosh, I hate interviewing too, but with the freedom to do it badly, now that is something I can do and do well. It could probably dress the right way, but my voice would have a really hard time talking like a female.
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Here’s where I suppose I should pass on some sort of trite advice such as “don’t forget you’re interviewing THEM as well.” But I won’t. Sorry about the job hunt. Hang in there.
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I have a lifetime’s worth of useless advice from my dad. So I’m good, but thanks for making me bitter with a slightly different way of saying things.
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Job interviews are like going out and asking someone to make you feel inadequate. Thing is, I’ve sat on the other side of the table and it doesn’t feel any better over there. The whole thing just sucks. Good luck
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I’m gonna need it, that is for sure. I’m pretty sure the whole area has been alerted of my bitterness and is hoping they make my blog by coming up with new and more powerful ways to make me bitter.
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I’m laughing so bitterly at this one! Fucking brilliant.
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Well thank you. And I’m glad to see that you shared it on Twitter, which means it will go viral and someone will invite me on the Today show and offer me many jobs for it.
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Check’s in the mail!
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I checked the mail and there was nothing in it.
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That’s really weird. Let me look into that. I’ll get back to you in a few years.
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So May 10, 2019? I can’t wait to get the check in the mail for that.
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Dude. This is good stuff! You pull off self-deprecation like a comedic warrior!
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It’s pretty much necessary as one who goes to battle against finding a job every day and doesn’t have a full complement of weapons to fight the battle.
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