My Bitter I.O.W.A. experience

/ bensbitterblog

And get out as soon as you can.

I grew up in South Dakota. As the butt of almost all jokes from other states except from our Northern brethren, North Dakota, it was hard to defend South Dakota. Most states were either bigger, faster, stronger or more famous than us.  At least I was from the biggest town in South Dakota, which was kind of like being the biggest miniature ant. That doesn’t make any sense, but neither do I and I don’t make many dollars either.

The point being is that South Dakota forged me like steel into being the bitterest man alive. Growing up there also allowed me to not be very funny either. It wasn’t until I got college that I learned the art of the comeback, which is a sneaky way of seeming funny, but really is just my underhanded way of insulting people. When I was growing up, I only knew of one insult for one of my bordering states named Iowa.

Or in this case, penguins wandering around.

If you don’t know, I.O.W.A. stands for Idiot Out Wandering Around. I apologize to all my readers from Iowa, not at all. You deserve it for all those times you made fun of South Dakota for you know, sucking. Anyways, as I am want to do, I ramble, which is much like wandering.

Speaking of wandering, the other day, I became an honorary Iowan. I was out shopping with my wife at Sam’s Club. We were heavily into a conversation about jobs, and talking about robbing banks as a new profession for me, when we got out of the car and entered the store. I got distracted by the monster 65 inch 4K TV’s that they always display to make me bitter that I don’t have one, when my wife said, “Oh shoot, we forgot to bring in the return we had.”

Machu Pikachu

I was yanked from the fantasy of people taking a hike up Machu pikachu in 4K, when she asked me to go out to the car and get the return. In a daze, I walked out to the parking lot, and was suddenly transformed into a 96 year old man.

I completely blanked on where we parked the car. My usual good sense of direction was robbed from me like the banks I will soon rob as a profession. My usual keen knowledge of where we park things, was Taken like Liam Neeson’s daughter in every movie he’s in.

I just assumed someone stole our car. That had to be the explanation right? So I tried all the old tricks. I used the remote to open the door so I could see the lights of the car. I hit the panic button so I could hear where it was (and let’s be honest, so I could freak everyone out) but nothing. I guess you have to be close enough or that doesn’t work.

Me(played by John Travolta) in the parking lot.

So here I was, and Idiot Out Wandering Around in a parking lot, holding a key above my head, hoping to find our stupid car. I kept wondering if a girl scout was going to walk up to me and say, “Are you lost, old man? Can I help you find your bus?”

But alas, I found it, (without anyone’s help, thank you very little) and eventually returned to my 4K TV programming. By the way, the whole episode started over, so I guess I will never find out if they made it to the top of Machu Pikachu.

My wife easily finds me at the TV’s and asked, “So, did you return the shirt?”

Me looking at her dumbfounded. “Ughhhh.”

ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH

Bitter I.O.W.A. Ben

24 thoughts on “My Bitter I.O.W.A. experience”

  2. I can never remember where parked. I downloaded an app to find my car. Doesn’t help. When it was time to get a new car, I went with white, thinking it would stand out against all the gray and black cars out there. If I was paranoid, I would say the world conspired against me because it seems that everyone else got a white car on the same day. There must be a name for this type of memory loss.

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  3. So glad I found your blog. Now I don’t feel bad about sooo many things, like losing my car (I’m pretty sure it’s in Colorado, but not positive) which has made me a better walker. And not being from either IOWA OR one of the 3 Dakotas (Southeast Dakota is too small to be officially recognized, or found with Google Maps, but I’m sure you know what I’m talking about)

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    • I certainly do know what you are talking about. Though most of the Dakotas take up a lot of space, but don’t really do much with it. Unlike Massachusetts and Rhode Island who stuff more people in their borders that South Dakota does in its massive and snow filled state.

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  5. I lose my car all the time. It is small and scrunches down behind other cars. So I got one of those tile GPS finding things. Since then, I have never lost it once and never had to use the GPS. Funny how those things happen.

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  7. I have never been to the Dakotas or Iowa. I have been around them but never in them. Nor have I ever wanted to go there. I would be bitter too if I had to wander around a parking lot looking for my car. You are right, Ben. You should have stayed in the store watching the 4K tv that you will never have. You would be bitter but at least you would not have been lost.

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  8. Bad news: You forgot where your car was parked.
    Good news: 4 more birthdays and you can get your picture printed on a jar of Smucker’s jam!

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  10. My kids have cars that look like everyone else’s. More than once, I’ve tried to get into a car and my kid shouts, “The car is over here?”

    I can’t understand how they tell the difference.

    Mine is easy to spot. It’s the one with 6 dogs sticking their heads out the windows. 🙂

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  11. Hahaha I thought not being able to find your car was a “girl thing”, at least that’s what I’m told. I don’t know much about South Dakota to make fun of it. My least favorite state is Ohio. I really, really, really despise Ohio.

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