If you were invincible, how would you waste your powers?

/ bensbitterblog

I’ve got to go lie down.

I was reading a comic the other day about a girl that was struck by lightning and given super powers.  When first given those powers, she decided that she would use them for doing good. She would rescue stray dogs, fight bad guys and punch a hole in injustice. She ended up doing none of those things. I’ve often thought about what I would do if I received powers too. I’m guessing it wouldn’t be too much.

If I received the power of telekenesis (the power to be able to move objects with my mind) I would probably use it to move less than heavy objects. I don’t need that kind of stress on my mind. There isn’t much going on in there, and I don’t want to add more to it. I know I would use it to lift the remote and open the fridge and remove pizza from it. I might even get it to the microwave and push those buttons, but that would probably be the extent of it.

If I received the power of invisibility, I would use it to hide of course. If I was at work, I would probably use it in meetings. I would of course show up to the meetings and show that I was present, but when I was called on, I would quickly make myself invisible until people were thoroughly confused about where I went, then as soon as they moved on to someone else, I would pop back up. I would also use it when I was driving so as to completely confuse and freak out other drivers to the point that they would swerve and make scary decisions.

If I received the power of strength, I would probably go on reality shows on HGTV and others like it and be the guy that needed help with knocking down rooms or walls for their rebuilds. Then I would accidentally knock down the whole house and be like, “Man I just don’t know my own strength.” But I really do, but it was an accident. Then they would have to use it in their footage as a part of the “problems they ran into while doing the remodel” and the hosts of the show would have to make that nervous call to the homeowner’s that they will need “$500,000 to $900,000 more” in the budget that they weren’t anticipating and see the homeowners freak out.

If I received the power of super hearing, I would go to the Pentagon and listen in to all the secret technology for the military meetings. You know, the ones where they discuss all the new technology that we won’t get for several decades because it is too new and dangerous for doofuses like us to use, but they get to use because they are in the military. I want exo suit so I can do a backflip on the trampoline park. I want my microchip in my brain so I can be super smart cause my son needs help with his third grade math and my intelligence isn’t quite cutting it for that.

In the end, I know that super powers would be wasted on me, because I would use them for selfish purposes. Which I why I am going outside today, (momentous occasion) and hoping to get struck by lightening. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to jump in a vat of toxic ooze tomorrow. Wish me bitter luck!

ARRRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Anti-Hero Ben

64 thoughts on “If you were invincible, how would you waste your powers?”

  1. The only super power I would want is the power to teleport anywhere I want to. Then I wouldn’t have to drive ever again. It’s better than flying because in my mind it wouldn’t be as much work.. Telekinesis would be cool too for lazy reasons, but also to freak people out. I would never want to be able to read peoples’ minds because some people are total creeps. I enjoyed reading your post.

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    • Teleporting would be cool, but probably get tiring after a while. Like thinking about where you wanted to go, then feeling like you are driving a hundred miles an hour would be exhausting. I’m perfectly good sitting on the couch, thanks.

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  3. Superpowers sound as if they would be quite a pain. No matter how much you did, you would be expected to do more because you are super. And if you didn’t do all you can do, you would feel super guilty. You’ve made me happy to be normal (more or less) person.

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  6. Having redone multiple houses (long before it was trendy…used to be simply fixing a structure up so it would be better to live in as it was the best we could afford) I love you assisting those cheerful, smug, always successful redo reality show people.
    Simply smashing!

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  9. I actually have a super power–and I use it for the forces of good too! I can chop onions without crying. What kind of monster would I be to waste such an essential gift?? Sparing my family members’ tear ducts, one stinky vegetable at a time.

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  13. I’m so with you on the telekineses: I’d only use it to retrieve objects I forgot to pick up before installing myself on the sofa (I hate it when you’re all comfy and you need to get up). I also dig the invisible driver idea… I’d annoy and scare the heck out of all the racemonsters on the road.

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  17. Every time there is a lightning storm I go out in the hopes of getting struck by lightning. Unfortunately I live in the city so there are lots of nice tall buildings for the lightning to strike. I could try going further away to the country, but that sounds like a lot of work…

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