Bitter Rivalry of the Week: Right hand vs. Left Hand

/ bensbitterblog
Sometimes hands come in handy.

Sometimes hands come in handy.

Sometimes having hands is a good thing, because they come in handy (pun very much intended), but most of the time they are burden. When you have them, people expect you to do things with them like help. My mother all growing up would say things like, “You have two hands, you can get them yourself” or “Can you do the dishes? You have two hands that can help you do that” Sometimes they are such a burden. Uggh. The worst part is sometimes just like the intense rivalry between the right Twix and they left Twix, the hands are constantly fighting each other. So which hand wins in the bitter feud between left and right?

Switch these things if you are left handed (and by the way, if you are left handed you are probably a witch or wizard that didn’t get into Hogwarts. I’m talking to you mom.)

Right hand: always having to do all the work, gets all the credit. Left hand: kind of lazy, never get any props.

Right hand carries all the groceries. Left hand pushes the door open.

Right hand, throws the ball, blocks the goal, shoots the ball, whacks the hockey. Left hand catches the ball, guides the ball, puts itself on the top of the handle in hockey, moves to the side when blocking a goal (when it is a foot).

Right hand gets all the glory letters like H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Y, :, ; “, ?, ., brackets, +, =, -, _ enter and all the numbers, Left hand gets all the dumb beginning and ending alphabet letters like A,B,C,D,E,F,G,  and Q,R,S,T, V,W,X and Z, and Tab, Caps Lock, Shift and the ~ and `.

Feel the wrath of the left hand.

Feel the wrath of the left hand.

Right hand has to shovel all the sidewalks, left hand has to block all the snowballs thrown at face.

Right hand pushes the pump on the shampoo and soap, left hand gets to hold the soap and shampoo.

Right hand pours the milk and helps chow down on the food, left hand swipes on the phone while eating the food.

Right hand throws the devastating uppercut, left hand throw the sneaky jabs.

Right hand catches the drool from nights open mouth, left hand reaches over to annoy partner.

Slapping another person's hand is fun, but only if you hurt them more than you hurt yourself.

Slapping another person’s hand is fun, but only if you hurt them more than you hurt yourself.

Right hand types the devastating insults, left hand types subtle, sneaky jabs.

Right hand delivers the delicious caramely goodness by cascading on the right Twix, left hand envelopes the chocolately sweetness on the Left Twix.

Right hand is super bitter for having to do all the work, left hand is super bitter for never getting any credit.

So which hand makes you more bitter, the right or the left (or some other hand?) Which one wins in this bitter feud of the ages?

ARRRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Hand it To Me Ben

59 thoughts on “Bitter Rivalry of the Week: Right hand vs. Left Hand”

  8. Those of us who are ambidextrous (yes, really) wipe both hands of any notion that there must be a winner between the right hand the left. It takes two hands to clap.

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  9. When playing the cello, my left hand got to actually make the notes on the neck of the instrument while the right hand could only work the boring bow or pluck the strings, which is kind of a pain. I don’t play the cello any more and I’m a little bitter about that. Incidentally, in typing, e and t are the most commonly used letters (left hand), followed by n, o (right hand), r (left hand), i (right hand), a and s (left hand). For what that’s worth. Additionally, my first grade teacher taught us, “the windows are on the left, the clock is on the right” (of our classroom), which messed me up for life. To this day, I have to make the little L for loser to be sure which is my left hand (and I never learned that trick till I was in my early 20s). I am extremely bitter about that. Thank you for asking.

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