When I was grew up I was a natural athlete. I could run like a slug, jump like a turtle, and watch sports on TV like a full grown man. Because I was tall(ish), I was forced to be athletic in basketball. I kind of hated it in seventh grade, mostly because all the kids I couldn’t stand at school were on my team and were always telling me to get out of the way (both in the games and in the hallways), but once I got on a team at the YMCA, where the other kids I played with were terrible, I started enjoying it more.
Just tonight I witnessed just how bad the game of basketball can be played. I have a son in third grade that had his first game and he and his teammates were terrible. No defense was played. Traveling and double dribbles galore, and a few of them were putting up airballs. I mean come on, how are they going to compete with Lebron and Kyrie Irving on Saturday if they don’t get some defense going?
Similarly, these giftures better stop bouncing around so much if they want to beat yesterday’s post from scoring all over them.
Especially this guy…
…who isn’t quite understanding that we’re not playing soccer here.
And this guy…
…is also not quite getting the header concept.
And these guys…
…who’s only shooting was daggers at each other.
And this kid who was trying to get the jump ball…
…but instead did the jump fall.
And this guy who teach us…
…how to properly get a foul call.
And this future Jerry McGuire…
…will write a mission statement and lose all her clients.
And this is one of her future clients…
…that will choose San Diego over Denver.
Well…
…at least someone on the team knows how to play defense.
And nobody…
…wants to mess with this guy on defense.
And this kid…
…such a quick learner.
And these kids…
…will leave you in the dust.
And someday…
…you can learn to ball like this guy.
Now that I’ve brought you through my 12 step program of learning how to be an superior athlete like me, you should be able to replicate all these fancy moves and be able to take on Kyrie and Lebron in your game tomorrow. Either that or make an epic move that might be featured on next weeks giftures. Make sure to record them and send them my way to bengardner2000@gmail.com and you will be featured!
ARRRRGGGHHHHHH
Bitter Baller Ben
Ben's Bitter Blog 
Aw, that girl with the hoola-hoop is actually very cute :3
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Yep, too bad she lacks in the hula hooping skills. My daughter used to be really good at the hooping, but of course stopped as soon as she found something new.
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Haha, it’s supposedly a very good form of exercise…
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She really liked it, but she is the kind of person that loves something and gets obsessed about it, then quits immediately as soon as something new comes along. Kind of like her dad.
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Back in my day, “girls didn’t play sports.” So I did ballet instead. I was ok at it but moving so much made it hard to stay in a proper school for it. My children do not appear to have an athletic bone between them. I’m kind of ok with that.
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Wow, that’s funny, because back in my day, they did allow girls to play sports and they were way better than me.
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What can I say? My dad was old old school.
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Makes sense.
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Ben, you’ve gone and done made me bitter ’cause of the guy with cup and balls trick. 😀
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I’ve done and gone made many people and for many reasons. I assume he is going to the NBA of the pong balls in the cup of water Professional league.
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LOL!!! 😀
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I played on my 7th grade basketball 🏀 team. I was on the “C” team, which later I learned meant that we got to C a lot of the games, but not play them. Probably a good thing, since I never figured out how to dribble and run at the same time.
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Well, I was on the B team, which meant I got to B on the bench a lot. I was allowed to come into the game and show of my skills when we were up by 40 or down by 50.
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Yes, my favorite was the person who opened the door on the cyclist and clocked him in the face. NICE! I have often wanted to do that to random people while I am in my car. Just for giggles. I was also a basketball player. Good times. I remember going up for a lay up and getting kicked in a special area. I scored, it was a foul but then I charged the girl so it ended up being a big T on our side. Ah, those were the days. Believe me, I was plenty bitter about the call.
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I’m still bitter about calls that were made on me years ago. And yeah, that guy that got clocked absolutely needed to be on Bitter Giftures. I’m pretty much that guy that gets clocked.
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You just have to dust yourself off & punch the person that clocked you. You will feel so much better….😊
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I am pretty good at punching clocks, but not so much at punching people. My knuckles are pretty good at getting bruised, but not incurring much damage on other people.
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Yes that does involve a certain amount of skills like Liam Neeson in Taken.
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I’m pretty much not that guy, he being way older than me, and me being in way worse shape than him.
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Yeah, I guess Liam will be kicking ass when he is 80.
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I’m sure he is already 80. And I was getting my butt kicked at 18.
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Weren’t we all at that age? Life was regularly kicking mine.
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Yeah, but people were literally kicking mine.
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It sounds like you needed Mr. Miyagi.
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Yep, because I wore a shower as a costume this year to Halloween.
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That sounds….inventive, Bitter Ben.
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That’s what Danielson wore to his Halloween dance remember?
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Ah, yes. It has been years but that works.
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Yeah, I know. I had totally forgot about it too, until I saw it a few years ago.
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wuzz that Jackie chan awn the bike ahead of him?
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It could have been. That would have made sense, because he does funny with the martial arts.
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Sounds like your children are just and gifted as mine…and it’s an inherited trait. Us Jews just aren’t cut out for basketball…or baseball, football, soccer…
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Thankfully my young one is adopted, so he won’t inherit my slow, low jumping athletic ability. He will be pretty tall and totally beefy. Just right for football or basketball. I’m counting on it, because I need a mansion to live in soon.
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Either that or you can be bitterly disappointed.
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That is probably the more likely scenario.
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my son, who yoosta “be Jewish” was 2nd team all-state … in the discus !
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