I don’t really like people telling me what to do. Kind of a freak about that, but it started early in the old Bitter Man’s life. My mom told me to come out in March, but I was not having it and decided that I was going to chill a little longer in the warmth. Besides, I had a bit of a following on my first blog, Ben’s Bitter Birth and wasn’t ready to lose all my followers just yet.
Then when I got into elementary school and was introduced to Transformers, and I was hooked. A toy that allows me to change it when I don’t think it looks cool as a car? A multi-functional robot with feelings? Now we are talking. But then some kid told me that I should stop liking them because I was in junior high. Well, how do you think that turned out for him? I still like them now, and probably just to spite him.
People telling me what to do just doesn’t work. But inanimate objects, well they seem to have some sway with me for some reason.
For instance, the other day after all my final classes were complete and I was trying to leave campus for the last time, I walked outside and it was cold. Really, cold. Not only that but it was windy. And the wind was blowing directly towards me. It was almost like the wind was saying, “Nope, you aren’t leaving. You’re staying right here. So get right back in there and do some homework or something. Even if you don’t have any. Oh you think you are headed home? I don’t think so. I’m pushing you around.” Man, I thought people were the worst, but wind is even pushier.
I’ve often talked about trees being jerks before. The like to litter, they like to fall down and pretend like they are dead so they can block your path to work, they can even take out your power lines so you are deprived of the most precious resource that has ever been invented. TV. And if that isn’t enough, they can even steal your soul. I wish I was kidding. I just finished half watching an amazingly horrible movie on Netflix about a guy that dies, and a tree takes his voice. All of a sudden, he is able to talk to his daughter through the tree. The tree then starts “attacking” the guy that is trying to date his wife, by tripping him with his roots. He even falls on the house when he finds out she kisses the guy. I wish this was made up, I really do. Because then it would seem less absurd.
But the inanimate object that betrayed me the most recently was my remote control. Ever since we were introduced many years ago, the remote has been my one constant. Through all the bitterness and rage, through all the bitter battles, and all the bitter fights, remote control has always been there for me. Not once has it ever not listened to me. When I want it louder, I press the buttons and the remote obeys. When I want it on another channel, remote is there for me. When I want to watch a Blu-ray, remote is there to push play. And want I want to control the fate of Sera (in video games), remote answers every A, B, X, Y, shift, motion, start or select. He never lets me down. Until today that is. I pushed a button to stop the insane Tree movie and he wouldn’t listen. It was like he was trying to make me continue to watch a movie about an inanimate object that was calling the shots.
Luckily, I found batteries and that remote started paying attention again. He better started listening or I will have to go get a replacement friend. And he doesn’t want that. Because I will throw him right into the land of replacement remotes and that is a harsh place in the winter. Especially without a Remote Control Coat.
ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH
Bitter Inanimate Objects Ben
That tree movie sounds like something I would watch and probably like, haha. 🙂
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Probably make a good Stephen King novel.
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Seems like the remote is getting a little passive aggressive there. Maybe it needs to be pampered with some nice new batteries or you could give it a Bath and Body Works hand sanitizer bath. I’m sorry your relationship is struggling, but I’m sure your love for each other will shine through and you’ll get through this!
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If anything, the remote needs to get me things like that. I’ve been the one that has been giving the remote special treatment it’s whole life.
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Read your first sentence and it put me in mind of this Brit comedy character, thought you might like it. Have a cool yule …
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It was definitely cool. Or cold as it were. The snow made sure of that when we were trying to get to our location for Christmas.
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Reblogged this on Wag 'n Bietjie.
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Actually, trees are gentle…unless they fall down…like unrestrained vending machines and people who have issues with gravity…then, they are as nasty as you say.
Personally, I find brooms more despicable. They sweep you off your feet….and then, before you know it, they leave you in the dust…two-timers!
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You brooms are pretty bad, but those wooden handles…where do those come from again? Those nasty trees?
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Trees are definitely jerks. They fall on our houses, ripped up paths with their stupid roots and don’t get me started on the leaves… Why do they have to be deciduous?
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Because they are so much the worst. They really need to go to time out.
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Where would we send them – Canada?
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I think trees would voluntarily want to go to Canada, because they aren’t big Trump, uh Stump supporters.
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Oh dear…LOL!
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I bet trees probably would have a hard time getting a passport though. You know because they don’t have hands that can sign paper. Whoops did I just say paper. So sorry about that trees.
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They do have unique rings, however. The only problem is you would have to chop them up to see them…
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Maybe they should sell their rings to a pawn shop so they can make it across the border.
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Wonder if that possessed tree was the same one that tried to eat the kid in Poltergeist?
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I know we have a tree at my old house. It was a Japanese maple and it sounded just like my daughter.
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I am completely captivated by that transformer car GIF. (Glad you gave it to that junior high kid who tried to stop you from liking them.) The inanimate object I am bitter about is ME. I just walked to a restaurant to pick up lunch — distinctly ordered a slice of New York pizza but was given a slice of cheese. And what did I do? I didn’t protest. I simply carried the box out and fumed as I walked back to my office. I need a remote control for myself. Sigh. And a Transformer.
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No you need to be bitter at those dummies who didn’t give you the right pizza. That should be a crime punishable by death.
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Thank you. I was feeling a bit irrational, and that was making me feel bitter. I feel better now.
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Well, that is unfortunate. You were supposed to feel more bitter. I guess I need to work harder on your bitterness now.
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Keep the remote away from grandma and any other elderly people. There are so many buttons to push, and so many wrong ones to push. They will mess your TV up bitterly bad.
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No joke, I always have to keep the remote away from my old people (parents). They don’t understand all the HDMI’s and inputs and the Blu-Ray’s, so they give up and read instead.
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I am very bitter about trees especially since one fell & ruined our backyard. You are right, Bitter Ben. The tree also caused us to be without resources (the most important things in the world- air conditioning & TV)for a week! So horrible. So bitter. I don’t like when people tell me what to do either. Inanimate objects….ARGGGGHH!!!!!
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Trees have always been a bitter nemesis to me. Always getting in the way, always stealing the carbon dioxide from our air. Ruining our lawns with its litter. Stop trees, just stop.
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That’s like in elementary school when all the kids told me I should like Pokemon. I didn’t and I still don’t.
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Yeah, you should like Pokemon. Just kidding. Do whatever you want, Jess!
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Grrr, good for you. Inanimate objects deserve what they get!
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Yeah, they’ve been lazy long enough. It’s time for me to be lazy for once. Or a thousand times.
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If I told you to have a happy holiday, would you…oh, never mind. You’re not going to listen. It’s going to be one bitter thing after another over Christmas. At least you have your remote clicking to your commands. On Netflix! On Hulu! On HBO!
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If only the remote would stop running out of batteries. And thanks, the Christmas will be bitter indeed!
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Yes, remote, good…batteries bad.
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Batteries are kind of jerks. They just run out whenever they feel like it.
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I know what you mean. The rechargeable ones are only slightly better.
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No the rechargeable ones are much more slightly bitter.
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Good to know.
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You know it.
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