For those of you who don’t know anything about me, I grew up in South Dakota. If you’ve never heard of it, it is South of North Dakota, which is different than North Carolina. It is located in the middle of the country and has less people in the whole state than most minor cities. It has lots of open space, so if you ever feel like you live in an overcrowded place, then feel free to go there. About 99% of the state is populated with nothing but hay, corn, and corniness (this is why I am the way I am). If you need a wide open space, I’ve got one for sale.
Point being is that I’m similar to Batman…in comparison to Bane. I wasn’t born in the cold, but I was adopted into it. Another point being, just because I was born in it, doesn’t mean I have to like it.
So it has been cold lately. Not as cold as South Dakota, but as an adopted member of the C.O.L.D.(Coalition of Lame Dudes), it feels just like it. In fact, it has been so cold out, that I even got cold. And if you ask my family, that means a lot.
Because it has been so cold many things have stopped working.
It has been so cold, even the snow has stopped working. They knocked on my door the other day and asked if they could come inside.
It has been so cold, the Coca-Cola Polar bears asked if they could hang out in our hot tub because it was warmer even Polar Bears Things like Now, as a cold.
It has been so cold that the Nike Swoosh laid on it’s side and said, “Just do it….Later.”
It’s been so cold that the Russian’s from Siberia said, “Can we just do the Warm War with you?” This is getting a little ridiculous.
It’s been so cold that Wendy’s Frosty was chilling by the fire.
It’s been so cold out that the ice gave up and the other day just so it could warm up to get thawed enough to become cold.
It’s been so cold out that Frosty the Snowman was bundled up with a beanie, some arctic gloves and took off his eyes, just so he could burn the coal to warm up.
It’s been so cold Santa Clause went back to the North Pole just to get warm.
It’s been so cold that even the putting the sun on the pole outside will not get my tongue on unstuck from my triple dog dare.
Let’s just say I’ve had to bundle up and that is something I prefer not to do. The hat messes my three strands of hair up, the gloves prevent me from playing time wasting games on my phones and the winter coat makes me look like Aunt Marge after she messed with Harry Potter.
I don’t like it. The only clothes I should ever have to wear is shorts and the only shoes i should ever have to wear are sandals. And the only glasses I should ever have to wear are sun. I need to have a talk with the person that invented cold. And we will have a bitter-cold battle to the end.
Bitterly Cold Ben