Things that are hanging on for dear life

/ bensbitterblog
Can't wait to go home in this.

Can’t wait to go home in this.

As I sit here staring out the window at the snow gently, slowly and bitterly pounding the ground and every other obstacle in its destructive path, I reflect back poorly on the entire last week. Just like the snow clings hard and doesn’t let go until the warm air of the sun destroys it, I reflect on last week as its ickyness continues to stick to me like snow does to the streets all winter.

Fight night approaches.

Fight night approaches.

You know how people generally avoid stores from January until November 24th, then all of sudden people transform into zombies that must consume all things at all costs and will do everything they can to get all electronics, toys, clothes and appliances in a month and a half’s time? Well, this zombie behavior must stop, because my bitterness is starting wear thick.

We're going to the McConaughey-Gosling party. Later suckers!

We’re going to the McConaughey-Gosling hair party. Later suckers!

You know what else is hanging by a bitter thread? My hair. I don’t know why they continually want to hang out on my head, because this head is no party. All that is left is the three AM crowd. The annoying ones that won’t leave even though the party invitation said the party ended about 20 years ago. All the cool hair’s left to join the Gosling, Effron and Bradley Cooper party and I’m left with all the hangers on. They just can’t take a hint. Just go. We will all be bitter off for it.

My patience is also hanging on for dear life. It is sitting on that long couch with the button things that isn’t very comfortable and being asked questions by a therapist. It is getting tired of answering questions about its feelings or what its parents did to it that was so horrible and trying dig deep in its mind about what repressed memories it can find. Well, patience was never really good at digging up things, because it got tired about 5 minutes after its dad made it dig ditches in the back yard to find the supposed gold that was supposed to be buried back there. Also its hand got calloused too easily. And patience is kind of lazy, which I can totally relate to.

The sad tree out on that lawn is clinging for its dear life. For 43 years, I’ve provided trees with the valuable carbon dioxide it so desperately needs, the freaking dirt me and patience continually had to dig up, and even given birth to a few through my excellent throwing seeds into the earth thing, and all it can do is continually ask me for more. I’m tired of supporting it’s lavish leaf spewing lifestyle. All I do is give and give and all the tree does is down my power lines, litter its leaves all over the place and drop its branches everywhere. It claims that it gives me oxygen, but I think that is all a scam. I believe I get oxygen from the air I breathe thank you very much.

dfd

dfd

Spiderman on this train. He’s like hanging for dear life. Though I think he will probably survive because of his Spidey Senses, Spidey Strength, and Spidey Web thingies that he uses, but he is probably hanging on for dear scrapes and bruises.  The people in the train may not be so lucky if it falls though. Actually, I think it’s the city that is hanging by the thread. While you were running around trying to save a bank with a couple of Bitter Benjamin’s in its bank, you cost the city trillions for all its building damage. Thanks for saving that one insurance building though. Because we are going to need it to handle all these new claims.

My VHF collection is hanging on for dear life. At it’s apex, had titles from action to comedy to drama to family drama (home movies, not actually Hollywood productions), and it was all organized to be able to be found by type and title and star rating. Now I can’t even find a VCR to play this massive collections of actual movies. I even had a car that doubled as a rewinder. Now, all the movies I own in complete disarray because I can’t seem to find the right website or cloud where they are stored. Is it cloud 9 or is it the one that is covering the city with all this snow? I can never remember which one has all the stuff. If only I could find the stupid VCR and rewind all my movies right now…

So, what is hanging on for dear life in your lives?

ARRRGGGHHHHH

Bitter Hanging on by a Thread Ben

76 thoughts on “Things that are hanging on for dear life”

  1. Snow… Just… Keep it there, okay? We’ve been snow-free for now, although it’s literally freezing cold out, but let’s just… Keep the snow where it is right now, shall we?

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  2. My lunch. The asshat a couple of cubes down from me has this awful sinus condition. It’s absolutely vile. If it weren’t so damn expensive, I’d leave a case of Mucinex on his desk.

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  3. Everyone always references Bruce Willis as the cool balding guy who shaved his head and still looked hot. Which is true, and he does have an excellent head shape. But The Rock does the same thing and his head shape is terrible – like a deflated yoga ball filled with mashed potatoes. But everyone still thinks he’s hot because of the muscles and whatnot.

    My point is, just get ripped like The Rock and nobody cares how your head is shaped. Or, you know, eat McDonalds and enjoy your life.

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  4. I’ve always thought if I were a guy who was losing his hair, I’d just shave my head. That way it looks “on purpose.” Shaved heads look cool and for all people know, you could totally grow tons of hair if you wanted to.

    But then, maybe that’s a lot of work. There’s probably aspects of this I’m not considering.

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      • She won’t let you try it? I’m sure your hair would grow back in a couple of months.

        That’s funny, my husband shaves his head once or twice a year, just because it’s hot outside. He’ll suddenly get frustrated, walk off for a while, and come back bald.

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  8. My life’s hanging on for dear life right now… I caught the worst cold EVER! I decided that I should be allowed to whine, and complain and grouse all I wish even if I am not a man! Anyway, I probably won’t live to see the sun rise again!!!

    Ok, I just caugh, sneeze a little, and get the occasional shiver, but still it sucks!!!

    LOL

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  9. We just got a lot of painting done inside the house so my children are hanging on to a million DVD’s for dear life. I’ve earmarked them for losing one day when all are away at school and college.
    My favourite runners/sneakers are also about to kick the bucket, but I can’t bear to break in a new pair.

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  10. wow, I totally get this. I told myself just the other day that it’s time to just let go of a lot of things. I’m hanging on to so much useless mess its not funny. Old jeans from college that I hope to lose weight and one day wear again. Hurt and anger from bad relationships. The part about patience made me laugh because I have been there on that couch trying to dig up the memories all while counting the minutes till the end of the session. Its funny the things we cant seem to let go of sometimes. I have a drawer with mix-matched socks that I have had for years and various moves, the mates will never come back, yet I keep them. You have inspired me to cut the thread and let it go. Thank you for your post. 🙂

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  12. My dental health is hanging on for dear life. I have spent thousands to protect each precious tooth, but every time I go in they want to drill, chisel, and poke needles into my gums. I’m not sure if it’s worth all the money and pain. I’m contemplating a new diet of nothing but pureed food. Who needs teeth when we have electric blenders?

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  13. Ben- your hair doesn’t need to be bitter. You can remedy that like Bruce Willis did. Shave it off. However, that won’t help with the bitterness that has been building up due to the holiday season. You are just going to have to continue to be bitter because that is a thing and will continue to be a thing as long as there are commercials, businesses, people, etc. Trees? You are on to something there, my friend. I am EXTREMELY bitter about trees. We had a derecho in the summer. A derecho is like a tsunami of wind that can contain gusts of 75 mph. This derecho (which if you ask me sounds like a new latte at Starbucks) took out our GIGANTIC oak tree in the backyard. It also took out our shed, the fencing, the neighbors trees, and the power lines. So at the height of summer, with heat 103 degrees and humidity of 100%, we had no air conditioner for 5 days! We also had a gigantic crater in the backyard which looked like the aliens had landed there. Trees….ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH so very BITTER.

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  17. So much is hanging on for dear life, Ben haha So. Much. Mostly it’s my lack of grocery shopping. My refrigerator has been bare for months. Just one little bottle of wine and maybe cheese. It’s a little sad to look at.

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  18. I so wanted to be at the hair party! This left over Turkey is hanging on for dear life. When can I feel I’ve eaten enough not to feel guilty about the starving….you know.

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