As I sit here staring out the window at the snow gently, slowly and bitterly pounding the ground and every other obstacle in its destructive path, I reflect back poorly on the entire last week. Just like the snow clings hard and doesn’t let go until the warm air of the sun destroys it, I reflect on last week as its ickyness continues to stick to me like snow does to the streets all winter.
You know how people generally avoid stores from January until November 24th, then all of sudden people transform into zombies that must consume all things at all costs and will do everything they can to get all electronics, toys, clothes and appliances in a month and a half’s time? Well, this zombie behavior must stop, because my bitterness is starting wear thick.
You know what else is hanging by a bitter thread? My hair. I don’t know why they continually want to hang out on my head, because this head is no party. All that is left is the three AM crowd. The annoying ones that won’t leave even though the party invitation said the party ended about 20 years ago. All the cool hair’s left to join the Gosling, Effron and Bradley Cooper party and I’m left with all the hangers on. They just can’t take a hint. Just go. We will all be bitter off for it.
My patience is also hanging on for dear life. It is sitting on that long couch with the button things that isn’t very comfortable and being asked questions by a therapist. It is getting tired of answering questions about its feelings or what its parents did to it that was so horrible and trying dig deep in its mind about what repressed memories it can find. Well, patience was never really good at digging up things, because it got tired about 5 minutes after its dad made it dig ditches in the back yard to find the supposed gold that was supposed to be buried back there. Also its hand got calloused too easily. And patience is kind of lazy, which I can totally relate to.
The sad tree out on that lawn is clinging for its dear life. For 43 years, I’ve provided trees with the valuable carbon dioxide it so desperately needs, the freaking dirt me and patience continually had to dig up, and even given birth to a few through my excellent throwing seeds into the earth thing, and all it can do is continually ask me for more. I’m tired of supporting it’s lavish leaf spewing lifestyle. All I do is give and give and all the tree does is down my power lines, litter its leaves all over the place and drop its branches everywhere. It claims that it gives me oxygen, but I think that is all a scam. I believe I get oxygen from the air I breathe thank you very much.
Spiderman on this train. He’s like hanging for dear life. Though I think he will probably survive because of his Spidey Senses, Spidey Strength, and Spidey Web thingies that he uses, but he is probably hanging on for dear scrapes and bruises. The people in the train may not be so lucky if it falls though. Actually, I think it’s the city that is hanging by the thread. While you were running around trying to save a bank with a couple of Bitter Benjamin’s in its bank, you cost the city trillions for all its building damage. Thanks for saving that one insurance building though. Because we are going to need it to handle all these new claims.
My VHF collection is hanging on for dear life. At it’s apex, had titles from action to comedy to drama to family drama (home movies, not actually Hollywood productions), and it was all organized to be able to be found by type and title and star rating. Now I can’t even find a VCR to play this massive collections of actual movies. I even had a car that doubled as a rewinder. Now, all the movies I own in complete disarray because I can’t seem to find the right website or cloud where they are stored. Is it cloud 9 or is it the one that is covering the city with all this snow? I can never remember which one has all the stuff. If only I could find the stupid VCR and rewind all my movies right now…
So, what is hanging on for dear life in your lives?
ARRRGGGHHHHH
Bitter Hanging on by a Thread Ben
Snow… Just… Keep it there, okay? We’ve been snow-free for now, although it’s literally freezing cold out, but let’s just… Keep the snow where it is right now, shall we?
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I guess we will take on the snow and bitterness here. It sure does keep me distract being bitter about things and I don’t have to stretch to find something ot be bitter about.
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My lunch. The asshat a couple of cubes down from me has this awful sinus condition. It’s absolutely vile. If it weren’t so damn expensive, I’d leave a case of Mucinex on his desk.
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And then you could finally have your lunch and keep it there like it’s supposed to. I would take a sick day if I were you, because you are sick of dealing with that guy.
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Everyone always references Bruce Willis as the cool balding guy who shaved his head and still looked hot. Which is true, and he does have an excellent head shape. But The Rock does the same thing and his head shape is terrible – like a deflated yoga ball filled with mashed potatoes. But everyone still thinks he’s hot because of the muscles and whatnot.
My point is, just get ripped like The Rock and nobody cares how your head is shaped. Or, you know, eat McDonalds and enjoy your life.
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Totally, I think I will learn how to lift those dumbbell things or are they calling me that? Never mind. That looks like hard work. Maybe I will just do the McDonald’s thing like Kevin on The Office and just wear a fake thing of hair.
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Ah yes – the Kevin, also known as the Homer Simpson package in life. Excellent choice, you’ll never age.
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And I will get about the same amount of hair and be yellow.
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I’ve always thought if I were a guy who was losing his hair, I’d just shave my head. That way it looks “on purpose.” Shaved heads look cool and for all people know, you could totally grow tons of hair if you wanted to.
But then, maybe that’s a lot of work. There’s probably aspects of this I’m not considering.
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I’m with you there, sister. My problem is that my wife thinks I would have an ugly bald head and won’t let me do it. So my poor hair just clings for life sadly hoping someday to be released.
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She won’t let you try it? I’m sure your hair would grow back in a couple of months.
That’s funny, my husband shaves his head once or twice a year, just because it’s hot outside. He’ll suddenly get frustrated, walk off for a while, and come back bald.
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You are nice for letting him do it. I’m sure when she saw me doing it she would be like, Oh that doesn’t look so different from what you look like already with your barely there hair.
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Heavens to Betsy, I really hope the electrical goods those people are fighting over work when they get them home … yeah, I’m lying, how could you tell?
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I hope they try to bring them back and can’t do it because they lost the receipt to the competitor that was trying to get the TV.
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Even better!
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You know it.
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That gif of the shoppers gives me goddamn hives.
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Yeah, I think it was several years ago. I think because of the stores now starting Black Friday on Turkey Thursday, those things don’t happen as much.
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I am sure some future civilization will look back at videos of Black Friday mayhem and think we were a tribe of barbarians. I’m starting to think they’re right.
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If we aren’t careful this generation will kill itself off at Black Friday and there will be no future generation.
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My life’s hanging on for dear life right now… I caught the worst cold EVER! I decided that I should be allowed to whine, and complain and grouse all I wish even if I am not a man! Anyway, I probably won’t live to see the sun rise again!!!
Ok, I just caugh, sneeze a little, and get the occasional shiver, but still it sucks!!!
LOL
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I think the worst cold ever caught you. When you are sick you are free to complain as much as you want and everyone should have to listen.
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We just got a lot of painting done inside the house so my children are hanging on to a million DVD’s for dear life. I’ve earmarked them for losing one day when all are away at school and college.
My favourite runners/sneakers are also about to kick the bucket, but I can’t bear to break in a new pair.
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My wife is hoping to accidentally lose all my video games someday, which she probably can do since, most of my good ones are tucked safely in my XBox.
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wow, I totally get this. I told myself just the other day that it’s time to just let go of a lot of things. I’m hanging on to so much useless mess its not funny. Old jeans from college that I hope to lose weight and one day wear again. Hurt and anger from bad relationships. The part about patience made me laugh because I have been there on that couch trying to dig up the memories all while counting the minutes till the end of the session. Its funny the things we cant seem to let go of sometimes. I have a drawer with mix-matched socks that I have had for years and various moves, the mates will never come back, yet I keep them. You have inspired me to cut the thread and let it go. Thank you for your post. 🙂
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I’m always trying to get rid of useless stuff and my family is always trying to keep stuff. It’s an eternal battle. Thankfully when we recently moved we were forced to junk about 3/4 of our stuff, but still ended up with a full Uhaul truck.
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i moved with a ton of junk every time. I contemplating another move in the near future and I keep saying I don’t wanna take half of this mess, so I have started to throw it away not. Little by little. The problem is it accumulates twice as fast as it leaves. ugh.
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All I know is that we probably got rid of about 3/4 of our junk and we still had plenty of things left. It’s a little virus.
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Photo albums that are moldy…need to scan them and get rid!
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No joke. Why would anyone want photo album rotting away being ignored and gathering dust, when they could be sadly hiding on dusty old sim cards, hard drives and thumb drives, or on Facebook. Seems like they are just begging to be put away forever.
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I am old and stuck in my ways. Also lazy – all that scanning!
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I am also old and stuck in my ways too. I can’t find my photo albums so just find pics on my phone.
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You can take pics with your phone, young one???☎
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Yeah, I figured out how to touch a button on my phone to take a picture. Next week my kids are going to show me how to use the phone looking app thingy to make phone calls. (Why anyone would want to speak on a phone is beyond me.)
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LOL!
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I’m almost sure you didn’t laugh out loud especially since you probably read this at work.
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I did laugh out loud because I am currently between ‘contracts’ and just a sad, lonely hausfrau with nothing better to do than laugh at your bitter blog… 😁
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I am between not finishing school yet and not having job. It is quite the sticky bitter situation. I’m glad to be the one bitter refuge to your bitterness. That is the purpose of this blog. For us all to bitter rant.
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My dental health is hanging on for dear life. I have spent thousands to protect each precious tooth, but every time I go in they want to drill, chisel, and poke needles into my gums. I’m not sure if it’s worth all the money and pain. I’m contemplating a new diet of nothing but pureed food. Who needs teeth when we have electric blenders?
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Yeah, teeth are kind of the worst. They aren’t even good at chewing, just getting cavities and always constantly asking to be brushed, flossed and mouthwashed. Talk about high maintenance.
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Ben- your hair doesn’t need to be bitter. You can remedy that like Bruce Willis did. Shave it off. However, that won’t help with the bitterness that has been building up due to the holiday season. You are just going to have to continue to be bitter because that is a thing and will continue to be a thing as long as there are commercials, businesses, people, etc. Trees? You are on to something there, my friend. I am EXTREMELY bitter about trees. We had a derecho in the summer. A derecho is like a tsunami of wind that can contain gusts of 75 mph. This derecho (which if you ask me sounds like a new latte at Starbucks) took out our GIGANTIC oak tree in the backyard. It also took out our shed, the fencing, the neighbors trees, and the power lines. So at the height of summer, with heat 103 degrees and humidity of 100%, we had no air conditioner for 5 days! We also had a gigantic crater in the backyard which looked like the aliens had landed there. Trees….ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH so very BITTER.
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Yes, summer time windstorms that cause you to lose power and air conditioning are things that make me bitter. I actually have the opposite weather condition experiences. We lived in South Dakota growing up and it got to 80 below wind chill and we had to go to school that day. (It wasn’t snowing that much, just freezing water before it touched the ground.) And I worked outside in -30 weather during a college break. So not worth it.
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Wow. Between the 2 of us, we have had a lot of bitter weather experiences. Weather = Bitter
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Yep, and with other followers we have California which has nothing but good weather, but they are bitter about everything else like earthquakes and Kardashian sightings.
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I don’t see the Kardashians on a regular basis but just seeing or hearing their names makes me….you guessed it! Bitter.
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What? You don’t see them on your street just chilling? I thought you lived right next to them in Calabasas.
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LOL. I lived in Calabasas years ago. If I did see them……….guess what? BITTER.
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Wow you should have know bitter than to live in Calabasas knowing that you would run into those idiots all the time. They are so bitter inducing.
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Yes, they are idiots. When I lived in Calabasas they were probably still figuring out how to exploit the American public in the 90’s.
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Or the mom was trying to scheme how they could become more famous.
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I could have stopped them! We will never know….
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That’s what everyone says when they are in it. But they never do.
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Oh, I am so happy that I did not get all that snow because it would have definitely made me bitter. I am also hoping to keep the hair on my head.
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Yeah, it keeps flying around melting on the ground so it can benefit us not at all. No snowmen, just flaky white stuff getting me cold.
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I don’t know..maybe that old dress I should have thrown out years ago…
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Yeah, it has been hanging out since you were 16. Time to donate that 5 year old dress to someone who can’t use it.
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Yeah, that’s why I just had it shipped to your place.
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I thought that was my Bitter Crate. I was disappointed that they only included one item and it was stinking dress that didn’t fit. But then again that was the purpose of Bitter Crate. Bitter feelings indeed.
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I would have liked to see you try it on…you know just to see how we could alter it to flatter your figure.
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The only thing that will flatter this figure is me eating less pizzas and you know that isn’t happening.
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An occasional chin whisker. Not cool!
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No kidding. I am so sick of my hair being on my face instead of on my head. And the ear hair can go jump off a hairy cliff.
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So much is hanging on for dear life, Ben haha So. Much. Mostly it’s my lack of grocery shopping. My refrigerator has been bare for months. Just one little bottle of wine and maybe cheese. It’s a little sad to look at.
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So your fridge is hanging on for dear life huh? My is actually full for the first time in a while, but it’s mostly the leftover’s that no one wanted.
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I so wanted to be at the hair party! This left over Turkey is hanging on for dear life. When can I feel I’ve eaten enough not to feel guilty about the starving….you know.
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Yeah, it sounds like you should be attending the hair party. Any other dudes you want at that party?
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We could replace McConaughey with … most anyone. 🙂
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Him yeah, but his hair is quite a party.
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he thinks so 🙂
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Yeah, he thinks many thing about himself. He’s probably bitter right now that you don’t find his hair super attractive. Mission accomplished.
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That’s the bitter truth!
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I especially love the Jim Carrey impression of him on Saturday Night Live. He nails it.
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I missed that, I can’t envision it though,lol!
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He makes fun of his Lincoln commercials where he is talking to himself about weird stuff. It’s pretty funny.
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That’s why I don’t care for mcconaugey! So very lame in the Cadillac. What were they thinking.
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They were thinking he would do something cool, like surf or snowboard. Instead he drives the stupid thing and thinks stupid, deep thoughts.
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