Bitter Giving

/ bensbitterblog
Stole this one from Google, cause I'm lazy.

Stole this one from Google, cause I’m lazy.

Thanksgiving is in a few days, in case you forgot or don’t live around where I do.  For many, it is a time to reflect about the sales you have to go to on Black Friday, before you cram as much food as you can down your turkey hole, watch football all day and do your cyber stalking, uh shopping so you can avoid all the crazies who dare try to go to Walmart to get trampled.  I am much more of a reflective and giving soul.  I mean, come on greedy people of the world.  I am a giver.  I have lots of things, including wishes to give to you.

Here are my wishes to you this Bittersgiving Holiday.

I wish you all the heartburn that I have experienced from not only this Thanksgiving Holiday, but also every other day from the moment of my first tinder of fire building up in my baby belly to the current raging bonfire inside my chest every time I contemplate a drink of water.

Get ready for some fun waits in line.

Get ready for some fun waits in line.

I give you lines.  Lots of lines.  Lines to wait in for goods.  Lines to wait in for services.  Lines to wait in for groceries.  Lines to wait in the street for lines of ducks to cross.  Onlines even, to find out that you should have waited online for that semi-insane deal at a semi-insane time of the day.

Passes

Happy dropped passes!

I give you bitter passes.  Passes made from your quarterback to the other team’s cornerback.  Passes that you have to drive through full of snow, ice and treachery so you can make it to the one place you don’t want to go for the holidays.  Your family.  Passes of cranberries when you wanted turkey, and salt when you wanted pepper and pumpkin pie when you wanted apple and passes of gasses that nobody wants to receive, but everyone is glad to give.

I wish you a roast.  Roast of a turkey that went way wrong.  Roast of an uncle that went way too far.

Get it? Because you know...the turkey is roasted?

Get it? Because you know…the turkey is roasted?

I wish you stores.  Stores that are way too crowded.  Store-ies of others that are way too embarrassing, stores of fat inside your belly that will give you enough storage for the cold winter, the cool spring, the super hot summer and the cold storage for next winter.

I wish you wasted time.  Time that is well wasted.  Wasted in waiting in lines, wasted in small talking with people you barely know, wasted in driving on roads, wasted in getting colds from people you are way too close to.  Wasted in eating way too much food.

May all your bitter wishes be realized today.  May all the bitterness that you have earned be cashed in.  Just make sure you are early or all the bitterness that you wanted for half price will be sold out.

ARRRRRRGGGGGHHHH

Bitter I’m a Giver Bitterness

63 thoughts on “Bitter Giving”

  3. I am already bitter about the holidays. I was bitter since January knowing that they were around the corner. Thank you for wishing lines, heartburn and all manners of discontent because tis the season. I wish you much of the same. I am better bitter because of you and this blog.

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