There is probably some sort of reason why I get up at 5:30 in the morning, fall asleep in the shower, put some clothes on, shave this freaking face, get in a car, hop on the train with like a billion people that give me bitter stares, get off the train and walk like 15 miles (or a quarter mile. I’m not so good at distance measuring.) to the school, then sleep through class, just so I can come home at 7 pm. There must be some sort of carrot at the end of the stick right?
I think the thing at the end of the stick is the carrot. And the carrot at the end of the stick is a job. Wow. Really? A job? That’s why I’m doing this? Crap. So essentially, I’m going to school and doing all kinds of homework, just so I can get a job and do office work? Maybe I need to stop chasing carrots and start asking for the carrots to be pizza. We all know carrots are disgusting, right? Unless there is some sort of ranch or marinara sauce, or the carrots are cut up and dipped in butter and chives, carrots are the worst. As opposed to pizza which is delicious and zesty and cheesy and crusty and just the right amount of bitterness to go along with all it’s pepperonian meatiness.
People in general do way too much work for carrots. For instance, what have I done in my life to get a girl? I’ve pretended to like soap operas, I’ve spent way more money than I’ve ever earned, I’ve pretended to like some of their friends who were complete psychopaths, and I’ve watched movies that people couldn’t have paid me a million dollars to watch if I wasn’t so enchanted by that particular woman at that particular time.
What about the sports carrot? I worked hundreds of hours on practicing, running drills, learning plays, watching boring video tape, and sacrificing hours and hours of couch time, TV time and video game time, just so I could sit on the bench of a game and get 1 minute of glory at the end of a game when even the cheerleaders and supportive parents have left. Now I’m left with bad knees, bad backs, cracks and bitterness for playing these so rewarding sports, that “helped my self-esteem” and helped me learn “about sacrificing for the team”. Yeah, sacrificing so my “team” could get all the girls and scholarships, while I worked hard to give them someone to beat up on at practice.
And how about the parent carrot? I got to listen to the little miscreants cry for the first two years about everything from “there’s not enough food to eat” to “I need to take a nap, but I’m too tired to go to sleep” to “I want that toy that costs a hundred dollars, but I will just throw it away and play with the box”. Though they were kind enough to sleep while I was at work, and then be sweet and playful and happy at 3 am, so I had some reason to be awake at every single hour of the day(thus completing my goals of seeing every hour).
I’m tired of chasing the carrots. I’m not getting off the couch for anything but pepperoni pizza from now on. So unless you are telling me the couch is being moved into a mansion or the job is pillow tester, you know where to find me.
Now it’s your turn. What carrots have people been using against you? What carrots are you tired of chasing only to get ones that have just been dug up from the dirt?
ARRRRGGGGHHHH
Bitter Pizza Motivated Ben
Beware the Trojan Carrot, sweet on the outside, but filled with bitterness and unfulfilled dreams inside. Wow, that was surprisingly depressing and cathartic.
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I think that is me. Except bitter on the outside and even more bitter on the inside, filled with dreams that don’t come true.
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My bitter carrot is the old trope “slow and steady wins the race.” I excel at slowness, and can be quite the reliable plodder consistently doing my best, BUT HAVE I WON? No. This makes me bitter, as you can well imagine.
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I’m more of the hare. I start out really fast, then get really tired about 4 or 5 steps into the race and want to sit on the couch.
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It’s 5:30 am here. I have to go to work. I’m tired of eating carrots. I’m tired of telling other people to eat carrots. Instead, I should eat a pizza and go back to bed. Maybe I will have some wine too? It’s 5:30 pm somewhere.
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That is so early. I only just WOKE UP at 5:30. I’m suck a slacker.
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So, you could of had pizza with me?
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Let’s just say there is never a bad time to have pizza.
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Ahh, to sup once more from the bitter cup… ! Glad to see some things don’t change; although it seems you’ve mellowed a bit since last I visited. š
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Wow, shoot that sucks. It feels to me like I’ve become hardened. It must be because I finally got out of jail (I mean my last job).
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Well, I am happily crunching the carrot (aka “job”) I was finally able to grab, thanks to hard wok and education. š But that’s it. When other people try to dangle other kinds of carrots, hoping that I’ll chase them, I just shrug and go make myself some popcorn.
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Congrats on that hard work. I just hope to be able to get a job doing any work. Then I will be able to end my day by laying on the couch being lazy, but in a house I pay for.
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Carrots ARE the worst. Why don’t they taste like chocolate.
You should dangle mozzarella sticks at the end of your stick. They always lead you straight to pizza.
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And you know I can sniff a pizza a mile away too.
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Me too Ben. š
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It’s a gift.
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It’s much less work the other way, Ben, but I aim at a glass half full.
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I do have a bit of a different view. I am more of a glass half bitter.
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So, if that’s lemon and lime added, I’ll raise my glass to you. š
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And then the glass will be completely empty.
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I hope you get your pizza š
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I do too. Especially now, cause I’m a little hungry right now.
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ššš
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Man that pizza looks good.
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Hear hear! Pizza 4 president~! (or whatevs) I love panzerottis those are my carrots. š Noms!
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I think pizza would definitely make a great president. Pizza’s approval ratings would be through the roof.
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Oust Trump and bring President Pizza!
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I would vote for pizza for president always.
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There was one time in my life where, for about three months, I was paid to watch TV. I was overseas in the Air Force, stationed in Turkey, and I had to pre-screen videotapes of American TV shows we were going to broadcast to the troops. That’s because we had to censor out anything that might insult Islam.
Some of the shows were pretty good, like David Letterman, for instance. And nothing ever got censored. Turns out the Turk have a lot of tolerance for most insults. So it was great. All those many years of school and struggling up the ladder toward my crowning achievement of watching TV for a living. But for only three months. Then I got sent back to the states.
My carrots have been limp and chewy ever since.
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How did you get that job and how can I get one for myself? That sounds amazing. I assume that it pays really well?
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It pays military salary. So the higher the rank the higher the pay. Unfortunately, the higher the rank the less likely you’ll snag a slacker job like that.
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So is there a job in the military for private slacker? You know, the one that doesn’t need to go through basic training and is the downer for the troop. The guy that chills in base while everyone is out doing actual things?
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Sort of. But you have to learn the ropes. But once you learn the ropes, they’re on to you. Then you have to either get promoted or decide not to re-enlist. Otherwise they’ll kick you out. So you only get a few golden months where you can do something like watch TV for a living.
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So it can be a temporary job until they are onto me in other words?
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Yes. That’s the bitter reality. Managers eventually figure out who the lazy workers are and get rid of them. They don’t like competition.
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Yeah, because the managers like being the lazy ones, while the slaves do all the work.
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Oh, by the way, I got the job because I demonstrated absolutely zero ambition. They didn’t know what to do with me, so they set me in front of a TV, to finish out my tour of duty.
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That sounds exactly how much ambition I have now. I am the guy that thinks of stuff, then tells everyone else to do it, no matter how inane.
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Ah yes. Management slacker. Plum job.
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I can’t imagine that I could be in management. That sounds so intuitive.
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And by intuitive, I mean counter intuitive.
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You have just single-handedly demotivated this entire generation. Oh. Wait….
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That is my goal, starting with my kids, then spreading the wealth to the lucky people of the internet who happen to read this.
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My niece ate the carrots that were meant for the Dutch Santa!! :’) Hilarious!
The tradition is for kids to put their shoes near a fireplace/radiator/door, put something in it for Saint Nicholas, his horse or his helper and sing a song. Then the next morning there’s a treat in the shoes for the kids (kind of like hanging a stocking, I suppose?).
My nephew sang his little heart out, then bawled his eyes out as his sister snatched the carrots from their shoes and ate them!
There goes your argument about carrots being disgusting š
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Ha ha! Carrots are even more disgusting now! That is a great story. We like to leave milk and cookies out for Santa, and some glitter for the reindeers. Now cookies are something that I will eat.
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The “drink 80 ounces of water a day” carrot. Why? So I can visit the bathroom every ten minutes?
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I now hear that dehydration is way overblown and that really you only need to drink as much water as your body is telling you. For instance, if you feel thirsty, drink some water. If you aren’t, it isn’t necessary.
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Unless we are able to fully be self sufficient and sustainable we have to keep chasin that dang carrot. š
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I know. I just wish the carrot was something a little tastier. Like a raise of a couple thousand instead of .20 an hour for all the work you do. Or any number of other things.
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No doubt!!
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I never personally believed this “carrot,” but elementary school teachers always tell the kids, “One of you in this room could be president if you work really hard!”
I’m not sure how many people have been born and/or lived in America throughout its history, but I’m guessing it’s in the billions, and only 45 of those people have been elected president. That’s a pretty obscure carrot to chase.
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Yeah, and who knew all you had to be was a guy that happened to be born into wealth and be a jerk to be a president.
I think fame in general whether it be president, athlete or actor, but that is how millions of people are motivated when they are young to do a stupid amount of hours of things.
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Most carrots are just sticks in disguise that lead to hamster wheels. If you’ve got a good gig going, like couch-remote-pizza, stick with it.
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All I know is if I was a hamster I would run around that wheel (or at least sit in it watching TV) faster if I was offered pizza instead of carrots.
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I’m bitter about my house. Bittersweet really because I love my house, but like every house, it’s a money pit. My carrot is a new light fixture, but the light shows how awful the walls look, so I have to get them painted. Then the carrot becomes freshly painted walls, but then the dated window treatments stand out, so I have to replace the shades. The bitterness never ends, does it?
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You bitter believe it. The carrots are all over any house. I keep thinking maybe we should just get a condo, but then the HOA’s and all the stupid people involved with them are almost as bad as leaky pipes. At least pipes shut up after you fix them.
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I totally get that. I used to be a property manager, and some of the properties had HOAs. HOA Boards are like bad in-laws, constantly checking to see what you did wrong and the first to point it out.
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Yeah, we live in one temporarily and one of our other people in the group is always telling us what to do. Since she has bad knees so we do her garbage for her, but when we do, she always has commentary for us. For instance, we brought the four cans (one from each part of the fourplex) and she was telling us that we weren’t spacing them right. So said that we needed to place them a little apart so the garbage people weren’t knocking them all over the place. I was like wow….
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Good grief. Definitely grounds for bitterness.
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Good grief indeed. Says Charlie Brown. Talk about bitterness.
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If that carrot is a chocolate cake…no sacrifice is too big.
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Relatively. Like I’m sure you wouldn’t work for free for me forever if all I gave you was one delicious chocolate cake.
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Right, you would need to give me at least 17.
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Um, I think you need to start being a little older, you know so you can at least drive or be legal.
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That’s the funny thing…everyone thinks I’m much, much older than I actually am! Even the DMV!
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Wow, that is so shocking. I guess bitterness causes your age spotting skills go off.
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I actually like the orange carrots just fine, but I do wish I had more reward for my efforts. I share your thoughts on everything you mentioned, except I like carrots.
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Ah, but do you like carrots more than pizza? And carrots with nothing else on them? People should at least offer some ranch dressing to make the dirt flavor go away.
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I do prefer them plain, and eat them in many dishes, but I can resist them more than pizza.
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You’ve got some sort of constitution then. Pizza is almost irresistable to me, where carrots can rot in the bottom of my fridge for months before I even notice them.
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Oh my goodness. Criminal Minds just had a scene where crazy man held a knife and actually cut a carrot. They now bring me fearful chills. I need pizza. Also, I thought of you so that is not so bitter.
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If I was a Criminal Minds murderer, I would probably cut carrots for practice and the only reason to cut pizza was to have a slice.
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Criminal Minds just had a scene where a crazy man held a knife and actually cut a carrot. I felt chills and now can’t imagine eating a carrot. I NEED pizza!
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I love the way you spread the bitterness around, Ben. I have spent my entire life dealing with these dangling carrots. Going to school for 8 hours a day, sitting in a desk 8 hours a day, repeating that same bitter cycle at the university and then doing it all over again but this time in a tiny cubicle. That cubicle made me feel like a very bitter mouse, stuck in a maze with the possibility of cheesy goodness somewhere but every time I would get close, no cheese! So bitter. Very bitter.
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If only they would dangle a pizza every once in a while it would at least leave me with something good to eat once I finished a task. Like I said, until people start offering me pizza, I’m sitting right here on my couch watching Office reruns and eating pizza I earned.
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That is making me bitter Ben. You have pizza. You are watching the Office. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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That’s true. I am doing those things when I’m not at school. But you’re right. I need to be doing those things more.
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In my ideal world, there would be unlimited pizza and ice cream. We wouldn’t have to worry about becoming bitter because we wouldn’t have to watch our weight. Caring about what I eat makes me VERY BITTER. I also want to be able to enjoy a Star Trek marathon without having to get up and move around. This also increases my bitterness.
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Yeah, tell me about it. I love it on the weekends when I just eat donuts and cereal and pizza.
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The 4 food groups. If you have a Hawaiian pizza, the pineapple counts as fruit, of course. If you throw some veggies on the za, you have vegetables. I would say you have this well thought out, Ben. The donuts and cereal take care of dairy, eggs, etc.
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Of course I’m not worried about any food groups. To me, there are only two. The pizza group and everything else that is not pizza.
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That makes everything much easier, Ben!
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I’m a pretty simple dude. And a pretty simple minded one too. Couch, pizza, bitterness. Those are the strands of DNA that make up me.
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Have these strands been passed to the offspring?
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Of course. I hope to pass on the blog and many of my bitter traits on to the children, by making them bitter.
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Glad to see the bitterness will be passed down to the children. The really bitter period will start when you give them gas money and maps to apartment complexes once they turn 18!
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Well, that whole 18 part will be true, but the gas money, and maps, no. They can find their own.
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LOL. Guess they will get the proverbial suitcase and perhaps a PB&J sandwich.
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Only if they make the sandwich with their own bread and peanut butter.
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Paid for by their own jobs with their own money.
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Yeah, better start saving now.
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I’ve had this carrot (The Walking Dead) hanging over me for awhile now (7 years), I tune in every week hoping for happy feeling for my survivors. Its weird, because in the 7 years I’ve watched this carrot, I think I’ve felt maybe 7 happy moments. That’s only 1 moment per year. If you think about it, those carrot odds are pretty crappy. Some people look at my carrot and ask, “What did you expect with a title like that?” and I just shake my head, because I know the show is going to be the ultimate con when the zombies take off their masks and everyone admits they’ve been playing an elaborate hoax on Rick since he woke up in the hospital. I suspect the reasoning behind the hoax is a very important psychological experiment.
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Now that is annoying. I don’t watch TWD so I don’t know anything about it, but that it is about zombies. I’ve never been terribly fond of zombies, but I hear it is good, but I’ve also heard a little frustration with it too. Sounds like you might have nail it on the head (of a zombie). People just want the hope that these people may have a better life someday. That is ultimate bitterness though. Always having hope and always getting let down. How about we rename the show and call it Bitterness?
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