Okay, yes Tom you made fire, but you didn’t do so well on the challenge.
Remember that game show Survivor? Do you remember how they placed people on an island with only a few provisions? They had to fend for food, and make their own shelter and compete in challenges against another team of survivors and then they had to vote one off every week. I think Tom Hanks was one of the originals and for some reason he only chose a volleyball and a Fedex package, which he never opened. Could have been a freaking knife or a pizza. Why didn’t he open it?
Anyways, I can’t remember if he won or not, because he wasn’t very good at the challenges. But the concept kind of reminds me of a bitter situation that is going to happen tomorrow whether we like it or not.
Things got a little heated in the Elephant tribe.
It all started about two years ago with a bunch of people (shall we call them the Elephant Tribe?) and it was a cutthroat situation between a former champions brother, a real estate mogul, the head of a state of Jersey that was New, a lawyer and a bunch of other jokers. They yelled and fought and slung mud at each other and talked about how unqualified to lead the tribe each other was, while not looking into the mirror because they couldn’t find one on the island. Eventually the real estate mogul became the leader of the tribe because he either yelled so loudly at the other tribe members that no one could hear anything, or he had more coconuts (or was it him that was nuts?).
The donkey tribe race started getting away from them too.
The other tribe (we’ll call them the Donkey Tribe) had just two contestants. An old man wearing an old suit and an old woman wearing an old pant suit. The old man and woman fought about the coconut distribution and the fact that the warmth of the fire should be shared more equally, while the old woman was busy talking about how she had more experience dealing with the monkeys in the white hut at the top of the hill, and how she was responsible for taking out the biggest threat of the island(the Smoke Monster) while she was in the white hut. She was also the wife of a previous Survivor winner, so she should get the job, even though her private hand scrawled messages to the monkeys were compromised.
The old pant suit woman and the overtanned real estate mogul made it to the finals and slung even more mud at each other. We are left with two finalists that are deplorable for reasons. Unfortunately, it is too late for anyone else to come and intervene, unless somehow, just like in the Epic Rap Battles of History, Abe Lincoln comes flying down on a bald eagle and tells us that this was just a funny prank the nation played on us.
Tomorrow is the finale of Survivor: Washington DC and the vote will be aired live. Most of the time in this game, there is a contestant who has played the game more admirably and while we don’t always agree with the results of the contest, at least we feel safe with the person that will get then new white hut on the hill. But this season, I’m not sure I want to know the results. Is it possible we can just cancel this season and start all over with a revote?
So who will OutDimwit, Outoverplay, OutbLast their competition? Let’s hope we never have to find out. How about tomorrow we vote for best pizza topping!
ARRRRGGGHHHHH
Bitter Rock the Pizza Vote
Ben's Bitter Blog 
Help us, Abe Lincoln on a Bald Eagle, you’re our only hope!
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That is why I love Epic Rap Battles of History. They know what should really happen.
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Ah, at last, all is clear! Don’t suppose I can tempt you down off the fence for a personal preference …
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I have no personal preference. I’m going to do a write in vote for someone that I respect.
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Mr Donato? Or Papa John?
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I was thinking Mr. Hut. Pizza Hut.
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Laughing!!! I’m so ready for this circus I mean election to be over with. What a fucking joke. Sigh….flip a coin at this point. They’re both idiots 😂
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Yes it is a circus and a joke. Maybe we should be laughing at them instead of crying. Enter Abe Lincoln I say!
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That explains a lot!
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Yeah it does. By the way, your top commenter spot has finally been taken over after about 2 or 3 years. What do you have to say for yourself?
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Yeah, I’ve been getting soft. Well, if it was voted on quality and not quantity, I’m sure I’d still win.
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I’m sure you would win for longevity. You held the title for much longer than anyone else, that’s for sure.
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Are you implying that I’m old??
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Well, I assume you are at least 25, because your kids are like old enough to be in a band or something.
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Right, well actually I’m 26!!!!!!!! (I figure if i add enough exclamation points, I may seem convincing.)
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Wow how I underestimated your age. I guess that is the way a bitter person works.
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Right, you thought I was still a teenager, right?
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Well, the way you act with the whole rock band and all, I thought you were just a rebellious teenager.
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Besides my youthful complexion!!
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Yeah, it looks like you grew out of the awkward teenage complexion thing. I guess you are just a more mature 16 year old.
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Mature???
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Yep. You know, how you get wiser with age?
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Nope…
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Yeah me neither.
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Cheese. We ARE still talking pizza toppings, right?
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I’m pretty sure that I should just stick with cheese and quit talking about all the candidates.
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I am not American, which makes me feel a bit relieved, as I have no idea who to chose. I mean, I know who I’d vote for, but I’d only choose them so the other wouldn’t win, not because they deserve it… Very confusing. All I can say is: good luck!
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You should consider yourself lucky right now. It is so crazy here whenever elections come along, but this year especially when we have two bad choices. Though actually lots of places either have no choice or terrible ones too.
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Oh my Bitter friend! Yes, this episode is really making me bitter. Look at it this way, we will have either 4 years of the shouty, orange man or the horrible dictator pantsuit woman. Then we can have Kanye West to look forward to in 2020. Does that make you even more bitter?
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Yeah, I’ve found Survivor to be unwatchable for many years now, but this one was the hardest to watch of all. Is it possible that maybe Kayne can be the step in Pres, until we get this all worked out?
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Can you imagine the tweets? Can you see Kim Kardashian-West sending naked selfies to all the world leaders?
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The world would be such a more entertaining place. The State Dinner would be quite a spectacle too.
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We had the opportunity to “vote” both survivors off of the island six or eight months ago. I’m still wondering why we didn’t.
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Yeah, we kind of screwed that whole thing up. We should have put them both on an island and told them if they wanted to be president they had to make it back on their own devices (not their electronic devices).
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It’s too bad this bitter contest isn’t a fight to the death. That might be worthy of watching. While munching on pizza.
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That would have been a way better election. Seeing these idiots fight it out in an actual desperate situation and then we get to see THEM suffer instead of us.
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Amazing. The best explanation I have seen yet.
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That is just a few things I knew about the contestants. Most of it was just guessing.
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